[Joe_Wilks]

Hi guys, this is my first ever post here so feel free to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong.

This is my first song ever. I am a 20 year old student and I feel like I made a really bad decision in coming to university. Especially as music is one of my great passions and Sociology and Politics are not!

This song was written on the train back to uni after a summer at home and as it may become apparent, it is very much a work in progress. Please give me some feedback on it as I have yet to share it with anyone in person.

Note: It is very much in the style of Frank Turner if that helps to get a feel of the song.


Welcome Aboard
(unfinished & no music)

Welcome aboard,

The Virgin Pendolino service to Preston,

The next station is further away from home and happiness.


Please mind the gap,

Not the gap between the train and the platform,

But the gap that you try to fill with whiskey and with wild ambitions.

Chorus:

But the English countryside rolls by outside of my window,

Aesthetically it's beauty anaesthetically calms my mind.

I ponder the all too easy metaphor and wish I had a track  to follow,

In the end the path is mine and mine alone to find.

 
Excuse me sir,

Can I get you anything from the trolley?

A slice of a strangers life, a side order of anonymous insight.


End of the line,

Please make sure you take all of your belongings,

Especially that parental pride that keeps you going...





So yeah, thats it so far. I know it's still rusty and I have a feeling that it is hard to determine the rhythm without properly explaining it, and I'm not sure how thats possible in text form! Anyway enough from me, let me know what you think.

Cheers

Joe

[S.T.C]

Well it`s not a really  engaging subject!..but you do have a skill with words,just need to be more poetic ...not make everything so literal,a common mistake with new lyricists.

[The Corsair]

Yeah, I think STC has hit the nail on the head there. There's places you're too literal in terms of description and in others you're trying too much to explain yourself out. Things like 'not the gap between the train and the platform' are unnecessary. We come to understand what is meant by the time we reach the next line. You would do well to take a look at lines that give more information or justification than is necessary and replace them with things that add to the over-arching metaphor and story.

[Peppermint]

Interesting song

[Dutchbeat]

Very ok, i like the idea, and many of the lines

keep on writing!

[postmn]

its different, different is always good, keep em uur songs shud get better and better