I think your voice has a good sound to it with feeling built right in! I also think you are a good guitar player. I like the electric guitar that appears at 0:53.
I like the melody. The day after I have heard the song, the melody pops up in my mind, something that is a good sign. By the way, then the song is issued with percussion and bass.
I think the intro is good but too short. I would have preferred that it be at least one bar longer.
When you in your singing go from a low note to a high note you seem to have a tendency of singing a bit falsely. Maybe you should use smaller note intervals when you write or use some instrument for playing those high notes when possible.
I like the subject of the lyrics; there must be some interesting dynamics between the two lovers.
I sometimes fail to understand the meanings of the words "hey" and "yeah" when they appear in your singing. If the only purpose of singing those words is to include their notes in the song, maybe it would be better to play those notes on some instrument instead.
I guess the meaning of the line "I know I have no right to say hay" is to show the "I" person's admiration for his girl friend. In my opinion, your idea of his feeling of not having the right to greet his own girl friend is exaggerating his modesty a bit. Perhaps this might distract some listeners.
