[Kafla]

Right here is my entry - I am away for the rest of the week with work so I don't have time to work on this anymore

There are a few issues with the recording that I would have liked to have fixed ,  retook the vocal, worked on the levels etc but my wife is going to castrate me if I go anywhere near the computer as I am away for the rest of the week

This could be turned into a full song but I think it works as it is - recording issues aside

http://soundcloud.com/softblack/machines

Machines

The constant beeping in fluorescent  light , the sickly disinfectant howling in the night
 The nurses come in: swarming round like bees, staring at the tv ,watch the picture freeze

 And though I love you , lord you'll never know
 It's harder to be left behind ,its easier to go
 In silent darkness , the most uneven flow

 I know it never stops
 The machines will never win
 I'll stand as tears fall with bruises all over and claim the moral victory
 I know that we will be together again

[cheff daniel]

very nice kaf. a great chorus and fine lyrics too. but it defenitly calls for more. this sounds like a record that suddenly stops and leave's me with an unpleasant feeling.


gr.   Dan

[tina m]

your songs are quite challenging.... its never enuff to have 1 listen & know i like it or not....theyre always deeper than 1 listen can ever show me....& oh dear i dont like hospitals & the lyric was upsetting & uncomfortable....ive seen to many loved ones die

i thought at the start i wished he had used piano & not that electric one as i was hearing a  ballad but then it went into a synth pop style

anyway several listens later i can appreciate it all better.... the lyrics are great & so are the first 2 sections but i wasnt so keen on the synth pop of the 3rd bit it seemed to ruin the mood youd carefully created

anyway im being to critical its a great piece of work & you are a great songwriter way above most people & theyre little folk & rock ditties

[Mr.Chainsaw]

Loves it mate!

The nurses come in: swarming round like bees

This is a great line. In fact that whole first section does a great job of setting the scene/story. I personally liked the electro intro, the echo effect was just right.

Only reservation is the ending. Bit abrupt, and it felt like you were building to a reet “howling at the moon!” kinda crescendo.

Peter

P.S. Where’s the bad ass string arrangement?! I know you can do them...

[Schavuitje]

I'm going to have to listen to this a few more times I think haha.
Iv'e got to be honest mate, until the rest of the instruments came in a wasn't enjoying it. Even when they came
in I kinda felt a bit lost and then before I could feel, not lost, it ended.
I understand you were rushing with it mate because you are a busy guy but as it is, it just fell flat for me, sorry.
I'm used to your stuff being much better mate. Maybe when you've had time to revisit this and work more on it
I'll get it
Will give it a few more tries

[nooms]

i thought this was tremendous kaf
achieved a great deal here
and love the chorus
agree the songs a bigger beastie in a wee box but id think careful about expanding it too much ,
mind you me suggesting that may understandably prompt you in the other direction ..

great stuff,
all the best
nooms

[Kafla]

Ha ha

Thanks you guys - I really appreciate your honesty  - it's one of the reasons I love this forum

I thought long and hard about whether to leave this as a short piece or devlop it

This song is about a specific event and I kind of felt that I had described it as I wanted, any expanded version would invariably include filler and I didn't want to do that so I left it as it is

I take on board all the criticsms as valid though and I knew it would split the jury

[Paul]

The lyrics to the first verse really set the scene and I think that the choice of synth voice helps create the image of being in a hospital. I like the 'machines will never win' lyric too. The start of the track is the best part of this song for me.  Great vocal at this point that works so well with the synth sound.  It doesn't quite sound finished. When it ends, I'm left thinking that this song has much more ground left to cover.  I could be wrong. You might leave this song as it is but I'd suggest you develop this further in the future as I can hear the tremendous potential that this song has.  After producing several songs for you, whenever I hear a new song from you, I I immediately consider what I would do to further enhance it.  I can't seem to escape that now!  This is a very good entry for the short song competition and as usual, you have presented lyrics that are  thought provoking and a little different to the ideas explored by many writers.

By the way, I would have put money on you expecting me not to like this because of the dominant use of synths  .

Well done Andy,

It's always a pleasure for me to listen to your songs.

Best wishes

Paul

[bewarethisboy]

I love the song. There is so much in there - could lyric and melody - certainly not at all predictable so takes a little (two or three listens) bit of effort to get hold of - but the song is really good. I think it is not really a shorty song and we finish journey well short of the destination in my humble. And i am not sure about elements of the production (drum thingy - does not work for me at all) - but that takes nothing away from the song itself which is top notch for me. BTB

[mihkay]

Well this one for me passes Tinam's "Tear Test". If you don't know what that is see http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/my-toy-phone/

It's a style I could never come close to managing, though I love to be able to.
Not even going to attempt to work out why it works. Just does. Great work man. 

[jmacdon]

I am away for the rest of the week with work so I don't have time to work on this anymore

i just the love the way you throw together a song when you dont have time.   As i've always said...., when Bell pops his clogs Vince will be knocking on your door.

[James Nighthawk]

One of my favourite entries in the short song competition. Involving, dense and intriguing. When you only have a minute or so it is a good idea to say a lot quickly. And this does that whilst being sonically interesting too 

Yup the vocals peaked towards the end. Probably need a retake with a better mic level setting. The effects applied suited well though

[Kafla]

I am impressed you like it Paul - but you can always see past the production and hear the real song - and that's a mega attribute to have.

BTB - you are a gentleman even when you critique a song !

Cheers Mihkay and James - very kind indeed - I used some new plug ins on this james - antares harmony and choir - got them from a US dealer for around £40 each - I set them gently and in the background but I am really impressed with the potential !

And John - what can I say - Vince and Andy are heroes of mine , although I thought the chorus was a bit 'don't dream it's over ' . You won't get me in a spandex leotard though 

[domj]

The lyrics on their own are fantastic. As has been said, it sounds like it needs to be longer. Great feel to this though.

[jim morrison]

Nice one Kaf, this has a very retro feel to it, i would have quite happily listened to that as a full song, another hit!