[laurabh]

This is the latest song I've written. I am expecting negative feedback from this, as I understand it may be a little 'controversial'. However, I hope you can understand the kinda style I was going for. Its a pop/dance type song, that sung by someone like Kesha, Avril Lavigne etc. I hope you can give me some feedback, and keep an open mind!

I’m getting out ‘o bed,
Its 3pm but I don’t give a shit.

Yeah

Work started at 10,
Boss said I’m fired, don’t want me back again.

I’m outta control,
Mum and Dad going crazy,
Gotta take a stroll
Don’t care where I go
Don’t even know if I’ll be back
Cos I’m rock n roll

I’m gonna get drunk, drunk (drunk drunk)
Stay up all night, night (night night)
Hit on some guys, guys (guys guys)
DJ turn it up cause I have arrived.

We’re rockin out tonight
I’m jumpin the line/I’m feeling alright
I got my ray bans on
In case the lights are too bright.

We’re rockin out tonight
Don’t know if we’ll even survive
But this party’s not stopping
This floor is alive.

Gonna have to hitch a ride
Cause I’m too drunk to drive

Yeah

I’m broke, I spent all my money
So could you please lend me some, honey?

I’m outta control,
Mum and Dad going crazy,
Gotta take a stroll
Don’t care where I go
Don’t even know if I’ll be back
Cos I’m rock n roll

I’m wearing last night’s clothes,
And I’ve slept in my make-up
But I don’t give a fuck
Cause I’m totally wasted!

I’m gonna get drunk, drunk (drunk drunk)
Stay up all night, night (night night)
Hit on some guys, guys (guys guys)
DJ turn it up cause I have arrived.

We’re rockin out tonight
I’m jumpin the line/I’m feeling alright
I got my ray bans on
In case the lights are too bright.

We’re rockin out tonight
Don’t know if we’ll even survive
But this party’s not stopping
This floor is alive.

I'm rockin out tonight.

[The Corsair]

I don't a flying fuck about whether the song is controversial and frankly no-one here really would because we respect the use of songs in expressing opinions and ideas, no matter what they may be.

So it is not because of 'controversial' subject matter that I struggle with this, frankly I don't even see anything controversial here at all. This is generic, enormously so. It's every party song basically.

Then again, you were aiming for a more generic pop lyric if the beginning of your post is anything to go by. In that case, congratulations because I read this exactly like a Ke$ha song.

In my honest opinion that makes you a poor songwriter. Perhaps more disappointingly is that you're wasting talent and potential with unoriginal lyrics. However, this is what you want to write and in that sense there's nothing wrong with that. To top it off, I wouldn't be surprised if you grow out of this sort of style. When I was 15 I wrote very standard pop-punk songs all about girls and love at first sight and going out to get trashed, all that jazz, and slowly I started writing differently and now I'm starting to create my own style of lyrics.

Sorry if any of this has been offensive, I'm perhaps letting a few prejudices leak into what should be a (reasonably) impartial review.

[laurabh]

Thanks, I don't feel offended, I want to learn, and I totally understand that this song is generic, and I know that most people don't like that. I do agree with you, in a sense, because I know that if I'm ever to write something, that does have potential, it needs to be original, and I love getting advice from people on here that are experienced because you know what people look for in a song, so I am going to try be more creative in the future, I probably could write songs that are more original, however, I seem to be stuck in a bad habit of writing songs like this.
 However, I do want to write original songs, but I really do love the pop genre, it has such a wide range and I really like how most songs are fun, and are different. I know that a lot of people hate this genre because it is thought as 'simple', however, I think totally differnt, and my influences, Dr Luke, Max Martin do write songs like this, and most of the songs, in fact practically all of them are big hits, so although people do crticise this genre of music because it is mainly 'generic', many people do like it, including me.
I am going to take your advice, because I would like to write more originally because it will make me a little more unique, which is a good thing, and I would like to work on a wider range, so I can drop bad habits, and I will do this, however, although I may be critixised for writing in the 'pop' genre, I enjoy it, and maybe I could produce an original pop song, which could make people a little less critical.

Thanks for the advice Corsair, I really do appreciate it, and you have helped me to realise a few things I am doing wrong, that need to be fixed before I carry on writing. I don't want to write the same old stuff forever, and I really do hope to be succesfull, so if this advice can help me with that, I'm extremely thankful

[S.T.C]

I don`t like swearing in music but i understand your influenced by more modern music styles......if you want to improve start listening to older music,older singers and bands.....youtubes full of them....do you know Simon and Garfunkel's music...the beegees etc...these are the types of artists that will help you not 50cent.

[estreet]

I think the issue here is that there isn't really any point in posting this kind of lyric without music - not because of the swearing etc. - but because in a song that would have a lyric like this - that lyric would be the least important thing about it. There's nothing new about this style and I don't have a problem with it, but this sort of thing is usually knocked up in ten minutes by the singer to go with a killer groove or riff the band has come up with. I can't imagine anyone being seriously asked to critique - for example  - AC/DCs 'I'm gonna Rock n' Roll All Night (And Party Every Day)' as a lyric, despite the fact that it's a great song. The greatness doesn't lie in the lyric. I expect he made it up as they went along. No problem there, but this is a songwriters forum - so in the absence of any music, it would be better to try and stretch yourself lyrically to explore your talent.

I don't think you have to go back to old music to hear good lyrics. M&M had a huge talent and even Goyte's "Somebody that I used to Know' is quite clever in that we build up a picture of the two singers psychologies that reaches outside of the words they actually say - ie: in the way the male character contradicts himself.

So I don't really think this is the place for a lyric like this - perhaps try and be a bit more ambitious and attack a more difficult subject Laura.

[The Corsair]

AC/DCs 'I'm gonna Rock n' Roll All Night (And Party Every Day)'

Wasn't that Kiss?
But yes, AC/DC do have a few good 'needs the music' examples...

Aside from that one little discrepancy I have to say I agree with you entirely estreet

[estreet]

You're absolutely right it was Kiss ... I had 'You Shook Me All Night Long' in my head ..... and yeah still much the same goes.