[The Corsair]

The announcement:
This may be anticlimactic but I recently got in touch with a guitarist and someone willing to sell their bass for a ridiculously low price so I'm once again getting a band properly going. We've also found a good practice space that we can get for only $5 an hour NZD (about 2 quid) and if we book we can get access to a recording studio for a little extra. We're still looking for a drummer and singer but all in all it's looking promising.

The song:
Called Dominoes and a part of a slow-moving concept-ish album. The other lyrics done are Chess and Cards (both are posted here somewhere...). As you may be able to tell, there's a theme of games running through them. This one will likely be the most political of the album, Chess picking apart the closed-mindedness behind modern issues and Cards dealing with the disparity between promises made to today's younger generations and realities of the world.

Make a line
It moves in one direction
It proves natural selection
The strong survive
The weak they fall
No matter how thick the wall
Make
A test so you can find
The best to lead the line
Build your rows
Discard the meek
Remove their right to speak

(Chorus)
We're friends like dominoes
One of us falls and everyone goes
Between us all the burden's shared
But when we break we're not repaired
Lined up (x4)
Lined up
(Who's the weakest link?)
Lined up
(Who's the weakest link?)
Lined up

Make your bets
Against the bleeding system
You love your lies so kiss them
Delusional men
Across the ranks
In the slums and in the banks
Wait
To see the best solution
It's trapped behind dilution
It's all washed out
And they won't look
For an answer beyond the book

(Chorus)

Sick of the pyramid?
They're having none of it
Scream out from down below
They're deaf, they'll never know
Share out the raw frustration
Start out with small vibrations
This building's far too ancient
To stand on moving pavement
They made us their foundation
Now they collapse!
(Short Breakdown)

(Chorus)

We're friends like dominoes
Littering streets in fallen rows
Between us all the burden's dealt with
They realise their system melted

[The Corsair]

So no opinions or feedback?

[Mr.Chainsaw]

for only $5 an hour NZD (about 2 quid)

God bless the British economy. Keep those upstart Kiwis in their rags and mud huts, I say!

Great news about the band mate. In my experiance getting hold of a decent drummer that wants to play your style of music is the hardest part. I've started going to a local song writing "group" and the improvs we do there are great. It's an awesome feeling playing as a group, rather than sitting in your room, surrounded by empty tea mugs and paper scraps everywhere.

The song;

I'll be honest I don't get the political message from this one. Sure, there's definate anger (Scream out from down below / They're deaf, they'll never know) and disillusionment (Discard the meek / Remove their right to speak), but WHAT are you railing against?

You slip a referance to bankers in there, but it feels just like that, a referance. A protest song is like a loaded gun, "it's up and pointing at you", so to speak. If you're not specific you'll miss your mark.

Some great lines, though. Stand outs for me; "It's all washed out / And they won't look / For an answer beyond the book" and "Make your bets / Against the bleeding system / You love your lies so kiss them"

I like the writing, just think it can be more specific

Peter

[The Corsair]

It's basically about the 'pyramid' in society and speaks out against those on top


Thanks for the feedback, I didn't really think of whether the message was clear or not. I guess because I wrote it it was screamingly obvious to me.

I might pass this around a few people and see who picks up on the message. If enough don't I may have to re-write...

Cheers Chainsaw

[Schavuitje]

I like them.
I'm not sure they are perfect yet. And I think you might hear that when you start
to perform them. But I like them. I have a lot of resentment about the unfairness of society.
Those who have and those who cheat and those who will lead us into oblivion. So I'm all for that being expressed

[toolshedtapes]

You'll have a cheer for me as well about the band! That's what it is all about. Making music with other people!

The song:

I have to agree with the previous comments. The message, that we now know you are trying to send, could me way more clear. For me, which of course is a subjective matter, 'protest songs' need to be really screaming out. They have to hurt those intended to be hurt. I think if you imply a little too much, then you are saying: 'I'm not really standing by the words I'm saying'. The implying stuff works well with more abstract topics, though.

Dylan's protest-ish songs are always very clear, and you are never really doubting who he is trying to reach.

And then another thing: Isn't this song really long? It was just a thought...

But it's pretty good work - you really seem like a guy with a thing or two on the top of your lungs!

Gr

Asker Bjørk

[The Corsair]

Hmmm
Hmmmmmmmm

I've thought long and hard about this song and the trouble I'm finding with altering it is that this is exactly the level of cryptic lyrics I want to be writing because it's the sort I like hearing... I'm struggling with bringing the message out more while still writing what I want to be writing...

To be honest, I ended up coming to the (sort of) conclusion that I'd rather be writing my (sort of) own style and leave the message unclear than sound like I'm copying the protest style of others.

I know that kind of defeats the purpose of asking for feedback ('thanks for the reviews but I've decided I'm still right!') but I really do appreciate the responses guys. I won't stop looking at how to improve this song given the feedback but I think I may not see how to sort it out until, as Schav suggested, I start working on and performing it.

Again, thanks everyone

[Sellon]

I like what you did there and I like how you write about things that have an effect on everyone, not just yourself
I like this part

Make your bets
Against the bleeding system
You love your lies so kiss them
Delusional men
Across the ranks
In the slums and in the banks

Really makes you think about how corrupted the world is...

uh with the whole cards thing, is it like...you draw a card and basically if you get a bad card you're screwed, a bit like in life...if you get bad genes, you're screwed one way or another

[The Corsair]

I can sum up Cards with this excerpt from it

'we're always told if we play our cards right we'll all be winners
but how many winners can you have?
we're all running out of chances
bluffers are just gambling dancers'

More people are told they can be something special than can actually become special. There's not enough room in the executives' lounge for everyone. I hope that clears up that for you. If you want, sellon, I can find that song and post it in this section.

[Sellon]

Hmmm, sounds like a good one, go ahead man, I'd love to see it.

[Jackdaw]

I can sum up Cards with this excerpt from it

'we're always told if we play our cards right we'll all be winners
but how many winners can you have?
we're all running out of chances
bluffers are just gambling dancers'

More people are told they can be something special than can actually become special. There's not enough room in the executives' lounge for everyone. I hope that clears up that for you. If you want, sellon, I can find that song and post it in this section.

The Hand of Fate will always deal you a bum hand.

Jackdaw1888 :-)