Homesick

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beckylucythomas

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« on: March 17, 2012, 11:30:02 PM »
Sorry I've not been here a while... anyway I'll get back to it...

This is called Homesick or maybe The Cuckoo... I'm not sure...

Oh who is that girl
Living in my world?
I’ve seen her picture
I know her plan
The one with the long hair
As if she belonged there
She’s taking my place and
She’s taken your hand

Oh that was my home
I loved to the bone
Oh and I never
Wanted to leave
So what did you expect?
I never said I was perfect
I never said I could pretend
That’s not my heart on my sleeve
I feel what I feel

But I don’t know what I feel
When half of me’s pain filled
And half of me wants to please you still

It looks like you’ve moved on
With no dance and no song
And no place in your faithless heart
For memories
But I still remember
The glow of the embers
Oh in the dark of
Our campfire stories
And no-one called Louise

I don’t know how I feel
When half of me’s shame filled
And half of me wants to please you still

I don’t know how I feel
When half of me’s rage filled
And half of me wants to please you still
To please you still

The Corsair

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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2012, 12:39:58 AM »
It's definitely not fresh subject matter but you do a decent job of making it somewhat original.

What style is it intended for might I ask?
Defective Elector

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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2012, 02:24:59 AM »
I don't know how I feel about this song. The message is interesting but not compelling. There are some nice lines and sections but not consistently. The chorus expresses a confused conflict so I don't expect to find the compelling part there, just a re-emphasis of the confusion. So that leaves the verses. However they seem too generic and vague and that hurts it. I think maybe this song would benefit with some honesty and some candor. You mention not being perfect and about shame but why? What happened? Why the pain? Why the pain, rage and shame? Why is his heart faithless? The chorus expresses the confusion, the conflict so maybe the verse should do more to explain why? Details help create connection, help people identify with the story and help create more intense emotional reactions.

I know it's hard to be too explicit about ones experiences, particularly embarrassing or confusing ones so it's easier to hide behind vagueness but the that leads to generic works. And generic, bland lyrics are not compelling unless the music itself is compelling enough. I would urge you to perhaps try adding specific details that help explain the conflict present in the chorus. Saying "We broke up and you have a new girl but I still want you" just doesn't work for me. I want to know why, I want to feel what you feel. As such maybe another verse might be needed as well.

As for the other aspects of the song, there are lines that make me cringe like "I love to the bone" and "With no song and no dance". I had a hard time with the rhythm of the chorus as well, specifically the middle and third lines. They just don't flow well at all when I read them. Lastly, I would never describe this situation as "homesick". That seems like the wrong word to describe this situation.

I think the lyrics have potential to be moving but they don't move me at the moment. I would be excited to read a fresh version if you choose to revise it. Of course most of it doesn't matter if the music is amazing sooo....

beckylucythomas

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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2012, 09:25:18 AM »
Thanks for feedback guys!

I think probably the style is just like a simple piano ballad or something - I am a novice at music writing - so it's not going to be anything groundbreaking - but hope it could be on a simple level quite capturing... but for that I think I probably do need the lyrics to capture something too cos the music I write isn't likely to do it on its own...

Innominate - so in real life this break up made me have to move 6000 miles and leave the place that had become my home - so I guess now that confliction comes from wishing I could still be there (with him) and being angry that I had to leave - and equally from being unsure whether it's my home and my old life that I miss more or the ex - and of course seeing pictures of the new girl actually in my own home makes me feel that even more... seeing normal life resume for both the ex and my beloved home while all I can do is look at digital pictures from 6000 miles away... (shame you don't like the "to the bone line" - I really did love that home - if homes had bones I would love them! but anyway maybe I need to find a less cringy way to say that...I don't think I thought it was cringy but it's always useful to know others' feelings... I guess lots of good songs can kind of hide cringy lyrics (or even make them sound awesome) in a great tune/great performance...unfortunately I don't think I'm a talented/experienced enough music writer to achieve that yet - but you never know - maybe one day... for now I guess a lyric rethink might have to do it)

So maybe I need another verse that tries to express that part of the story??

The Corsair

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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2012, 09:41:19 AM »
It's a powerful story you're trying to tell but it doesn't quite come through. I think it's definitely a good idea for you to add another verse that makes it more obvious what this is about.
Defective Elector

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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2012, 10:43:41 AM »
I'm glad my verbal meandering had value for you. When I say "cringe" it's only because it sounds kind of cliched. The line 'to the bone' is quite common to me so it is bland is all. I"m not saying the sentiment is what made me cringe, just the way it was expressed wasn't as good as the other parts of the song so it stuck out.

"move 6000 miles and leave the place that had become my home" I feel like this could be an important thing to mention. That is a long, long way to move from a place you loved and it makes me immediately empathize with you. That kind of distance can be used to emphasize the depth of longing as well, like 6000 miles of homesick in a way.

"unsure whether it's my home and my old life that I miss more or the ex" If this is the main conflict, maybe you should explore this more, flesh it out, make it feel that way. I can see this being a great place to write some wonderful lyrics. Perhaps the song can express your struggle to figure it out. Right now I don't get the feeling you miss your old life so much as just him. The chorus is acting to repeat and emphasize the conflict but it only mentions him. Is the conflict about whether you long for the home you had or for the ex and you're not sure? If so, the chorus doesn't really suggest it.

I think fundamentally, we writers are all expressing commonly shared experiences. However, making it compelling means expressing it in a personal way. While we can describe the experience accurately in a generic way, that doesn't make us feel it. It's the details that we fall in love with, that end up evoking the feelings and being a vehicle for meaning. It's difficult to do well but I think it's essential. That being said, writing a poem and lyrics are very different, one can't entrust emotional impact to the music when writing poetry.

Good luck, I really hope you keep at it!