seashells , perhaps?

  • 4 Replies
  • 2153 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

S.T.C

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2633
  • American Cars........out now
    • http://oldsongsnew.com/
« on: March 17, 2012, 10:54:35 PM »
Wrote this the other night....it`s not typical of what i write,and it`s  not been refined in any way...yes it`s sentimental and there`s lines i would possibily change in a re-write.but here it is.
(v1)

Twisting,turning
loving,learning.
wishing that your kiss
that's left me in this mist
never clears.
(v2)

Holding,touching.
craving,yearning.
has simple as it sounds
i`m your lost and found
come claim me now.
(bridge/chorus)

and you whisper out my name
like echoes out of seashells
heartbeats all a flame
like distant bells a ringing
i raise my arms aloft
the storms they are a fleeing
and you leave me,,,like a bird, in a tree
singing,
singing.
(v3)

hold me close,hold me closer
hold me tight, hold me  tighter.
it feels so right
in the passing of the night
and the rising of the day
(bridge)
and it`s written in the stars
that venus is to mars
like the rain is to the earth
when summers have all past
and winters cold embrace
turns water into ice
sometimes melting
(repeat v1,v2 and chorus.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2012, 08:14:06 AM by songsthatcry »

The Corsair

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 862
  • I'm the latest model Johnny
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2012, 12:45:52 AM »
and it`s written in the stars
that venus is to mars
like the rain is to the earth
when summers have all past

That was standout, massively so.

The song as a whole is fairly good, though I will say again what I've said to Sellon and Caco (I think it was Caco) today and that's that songs surrounding relationships are nothing new. I think you've got some good original wordings etc here but not quite enough. There's still too many things I've seen and heard before.

I understand it's unrefined, so perhaps in the refining process, however you go about it, you may be able to strip away bits that are a bit 'old' and work in something new and original.


Ok I take some of that back. Re-reading it there's less 'old' than I had thought. There shouldn't be too much you need to change.
Defective Elector

Innominate

  • *
  • Open Mic
  • **
  • Posts: 182
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2012, 01:30:29 AM »
Hey, the first thing I noticed I liked in this was the continuous use of nature as a theme. Several parts use strong imagery and seem to try and develop a bit. Particularly in the bridge/chorus parts. And the use of that theme is consistent throughout so it retains a uniform feeling. I like that. The beat/rhythm of the first two lines of the verses could be quite interesting to hear depending on the music as well.

"and you leave me,,,like a bird, in a tree
singing,
singing."

I like this image, although maybe an adjective for singing would evoke more meaning? Sweetly, softly or simply for example? All I can think of are "S" words because the repetition would sound good there but maybe that would work?

"wishing that your kiss
that's left me in this mist
never clears."

Two things about this part. It feels awkward to me, maybe it's the use of 'th" sounding too harsh, or maybe the double use of "that"? I don't know. Also, do you wish the kiss never clears or the mist? "Never clears" appears to be referencing the kiss not the mist, as in "Wishing that your kiss, that's left me in this mist, never clears". But one usually doesn't clear a kiss right? Saying "Wishing for your kiss, that leaves me in a mist that never clears" or "Wishing that your kiss will leave me in a mist that never clears" might highlight what I mean?

"like echoes out of seashells"

This is my favorite line. It really stands out to me and I agree using something in it as the title would be a wise choice.

A good draft though, with some editing and some thought it could be a very compelling. For instance, the song opens implying there is a relationship but in other places it evokes a certain distance or separation, as if there is only a yearning. But what do I really know anyways. Good job, I enjoyed reading it and did so several times. (:

S.T.C

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2633
  • American Cars........out now
    • http://oldsongsnew.com/
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2012, 09:04:32 AM »
The kiss/mist.clears...verse, is obviously all metaphorical .A kiss that leaves a woman in a mist like state,of wandering and longing...never clears,refers to that feeling not going away....

I was sending lyrics to a female artist for a while,she as a recording contract,and she would pull me up all sorts of stuff , but i`m in the camp of poetic license, theres plenty of famous songs out there with quite dodgy lyrics...

I do tell people i`m a good lyricist,, and poet i suppose...it`s not singing or instruments that are my forte....i`ve got a lot of lyrics, but there on another computer which is miles away....i would like to show more...just have to write some i guess.

The Corsair

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 862
  • I'm the latest model Johnny
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2012, 09:33:50 AM »
I see no issue with the 'clears' thing in relation to the kiss, it's more that the impression and memory never clears.

I do agree that the double 'that' doesn't quite work. It doesn't turn out as poetic and flowing as the rest of the song.
Defective Elector