[Innominate]

Not sure about the arrangement. Thinking of placing the two verses before the first chorus, then adding a bridge, then repeating the chorus to close. What do you think?

Let me go.
Free this lonely cloud,
Deep within the valley,
High above the ground.

Let me be,
Alone and unashamed,
Living in the sunlight,
Leaving only shade.

If I drink too deep and
Take beyond my fill;
If I grow too grey
Above the rocky hills,
Know that I, not you,
Chose what weighs me down.
And I, not you,
Must loose upon the ground

Despite the pain,
Hail and rain.

Let me roam,
Over the meadows green;
Breathing in the sweet smells,
drifting from the fields.

Let me soar,
My face against the sun,
Free to feel the mountains,
With cheek and hand and tongue.

But if I drink too deep and
Take beyond my fill,
If I grow too grey
Above the rocky hills,
Know that I, not you,
Chose what weighs me down,
And that I, not you,
Must loose upon the ground

Despite the pain,
Hail and rain.
Despite the pain,
Hail and rain.

[The Corsair]

Fantastic!

I'm not raving about the title, it gives away a bit much I think, or at least doesn't fit the tone of the song.

The lyrics are great IMO, with the idea behind them being beautifully original.
Bravo

[Innominate]

Hey thanks! I'm glad you like the lyrics. The title was chosen half-way through as a place holder. I was gonna call it "Hail and Rain" but it's too close to "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor so I didn't. Then I could not figure out a name that I liked. What would you suggest for the name?

[The Corsair]

Hail and Rain is fine, hail and fire are quite different things

[Mr.Chainsaw]

This is superb.

An unusal metaphor used really well.

Let me soar,
My face against the sun,
Free to feel the mountains,
With cheek and hand and tongue.

LOVE this verse, especially the last line.

My one criticism is the "Over the meadows green" line. The correct writing would be "Green meadows". I understand as song writers we can change it around, but the green doesn't actually rhyme with anything so it just comes across as bad grammar. Plus it's feels a bit bleuuurgh cutesy-nursery-rhyme saying it that way.

A few thoughts; how would thunder factor into the metaphor? And lightning storms and rain? I'd maybe get rid of the "let me roam..." verse, which i feel is the weakest, and explore these ideas.

Also the title is a bit of a slap in the face hahaha

Good stuff!

Peter

[Innominate]

Thanks for the feedback Mr.Chainsaw, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was actually thinking of changing the last line of the "let me soar" verse you mentioned but kept it in. So it's good to know it was the right call.

As to you criticism let me explain myself a bit. The "meadows green" line is a near rhyme for "fields" and the sound of "meadows green" phonetically is much more attractive to me to sing than "green meadows" which interrupts the flow in my opinion. Further, while it may not be technically correct(i don't know), it is used in prose in this fashion so I'm fine with it.

"Kissing with golden face the meadows green,"
- Line 3, William Shakespeare, Sonnet XXXIII

Perhaps it does sound cutesy, but the song's about a cloud so I think it fits; particularly to help emphasize the raw, uncomplicated joy in the verses.

I was trying to fit thunder and lightning into the song but it only fits during the chorus where the storm is (hail and rain represents a storm). The verses are positive, the chorus, negative. Arguably thunder/lightning could be positive but that would confuse the established relationship between stormy and sunny skies as contrasts. Perhaps there is room somewhere in the chorus, i'll explore that a bit.

As for removing the "le me roam" section, I can't. It means something specific and I don't mind it so i'll keep it. Unless everyone says they hate it, then I might.

Thanks again for the comments!