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Untitled (Work In Progress, unfinished)

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Kingsley13

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« on: March 11, 2012, 12:37:06 PM »
I've barely started on this song because I've been really busy with school and other items of business like that so I barely have any lyrics for this song but truthfully I really wanted the opinion of all of you before I continue on so that I know I'm not making any mistakes; and by the way this is a love song because it's the only thing that I could possibly stay on topic with for the moment.

Run away with me into our sweet surrender,
Run away with me so we can be together,
Forever,
We can be together (in this little phrase each word would be separated by 2-3 beats)

~Little Instrumental section~

Why can't you see,
That you belong with me,
And without you,
I feel so empty on the inside
Why can't it be
Just, you and me,
together but lost in time

Thats all I have so far and the parts after "That you belong with me" I just made up on the spot...please give me some feedback, I really need help on this song
« Last Edit: March 11, 2012, 12:39:08 PM by Kingsley13 »

Dutchbeat

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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2012, 06:13:03 PM »
really good, Kingsley

very clever
i like the first verse best, that is really good in my opinion
well done

but the chorus, or the next section
starting with
"why can't you see"

uses to many words or lines that sound a bit used too often (but look who is talking)

in mean in songs, but i fully respect your lyrics!
and just my opinion

The Corsair

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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2012, 07:30:10 PM »
I disagree with DB sorry, all I see is something I've read a thousand times.

However, there's real quality in the last line 'together but lost in time'
It might be worthwhile to bring the theme of time and how it passes in throughout the song (or at least in a few other places) to give it some more originality.

Then again, my opinion is moot if you're aiming to write a slightly more generic love song. I also have no idea what the music to it would be like so for all I know the new ideas may all be in the music and not the lyrics.

Sorry if I'm over-harsh
Corsair
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Kingsley13

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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2012, 10:52:21 PM »
really good, Kingsley

very clever
i like the first verse best, that is really good in my opinion
well done

but the chorus, or the next section
starting with
"why can't you see"

uses to many words or lines that sound a bit used too often (but look who is talking)

in mean in songs, but i fully respect your lyrics!
and just my opinion
alright, thanks, after i posted the lyrics and got off to write some more i did think that some words/lines were overused but i needed another opinion on that, so at this point we'll see if I can make it work and if not I'll be making some edits. But ya, thanks for the compliment and the advice.

Kingsley13

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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2012, 10:55:30 PM »
I disagree with DB sorry, all I see is something I've read a thousand times.

However, there's real quality in the last line 'together but lost in time'
It might be worthwhile to bring the theme of time and how it passes in throughout the song (or at least in a few other places) to give it some more originality.

Then again, my opinion is moot if you're aiming to write a slightly more generic love song. I also have no idea what the music to it would be like so for all I know the new ideas may all be in the music and not the lyrics.

Sorry if I'm over-harsh
Corsair
you're not over-harsh, it's fine. and Thanks for sharing your opinion with me, it gives me a way to mold the song into what everyone else will like in case I want to get some fame; and ya your idea on bringing the theme of time or however you'd like to word it seems like a great idea, I'll try to implement that into the song and see if I can possibly make it work out. Thanks again

Innominate

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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2012, 09:40:07 AM »
Hey Kingsley, I'm gonna have to agree with Corsair. It isn't that the intent and meaning of the song isn't understood, it's that the lyrics don't evoke the feeling. This sentiment has been said a billion times, I think finding a fresh way to say it is the challenge. I'm also in agreement about the last line being the most interesting.

I think one of the biggest problems that lyricists and poets run into, writer of any stripe I suppose, definitely me, is writing something others have already made known. Especially if it has a significant cultural impact. This is why cliche is cliche and why some lines are impossible for anyone else to use again. You write "sweet surrender" and I immediately think Sarah McLachlan; you write "Why can't you see, That you belong with me," I immediately think of "Every Breath You Take" by the Police; you have "Run away with me" and I think of Norah Jones. Largely because i'm reading it and not hearing it.

Unfortunately it doesn't matter how honest, meaningful or true saying "And without you, I feel so empty on the inside" is, it's been said so many times that way, we don't get much credit saying it again even if it was new to us when we wrote it. It sucks, I know. That being said, generic lyrics can still be part of an amazing song if the song is good enough. "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins, for example, isn't lyrically rich or interesting but it works to make a great song on the back of a great bit of music. There are countless other example of somewhat simple or uninspiring lyrics that work very well with music. This makes it very hard to judge lyrics outside of the context of music. Further, the performer might add a completely separate value to a song, the impact being in the voice, not the lyrical content. Their performance can make something seemingly mundane into something spectacular. I'm sure we all have favorite artists we could listen to sing anything and be moved.

It's hard to really judge lyrics by reading them if they don't stand out. If you are confident the music can carry the lyrics or the performer can sell them, then they might work fine. Sometimes simple, straightforward lyrics are the best. But keep at it and good luck with your writing!

Kingsley13

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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2012, 07:32:11 PM »
Hey Kingsley, I'm gonna have to agree with Corsair. It isn't that the intent and meaning of the song isn't understood, it's that the lyrics don't evoke the feeling. This sentiment has been said a billion times, I think finding a fresh way to say it is the challenge. I'm also in agreement about the last line being the most interesting.

I think one of the biggest problems that lyricists and poets run into, writer of any stripe I suppose, definitely me, is writing something others have already made known. Especially if it has a significant cultural impact. This is why cliche is cliche and why some lines are impossible for anyone else to use again. You write "sweet surrender" and I immediately think Sarah McLachlan; you write "Why can't you see, That you belong with me," I immediately think of "Every Breath You Take" by the Police; you have "Run away with me" and I think of Norah Jones. Largely because i'm reading it and not hearing it.

Unfortunately it doesn't matter how honest, meaningful or true saying "And without you, I feel so empty on the inside" is, it's been said so many times that way, we don't get much credit saying it again even if it was new to us when we wrote it. It sucks, I know. That being said, generic lyrics can still be part of an amazing song if the song is good enough. "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins, for example, isn't lyrically rich or interesting but it works to make a great song on the back of a great bit of music. There are countless other example of somewhat simple or uninspiring lyrics that work very well with music. This makes it very hard to judge lyrics outside of the context of music. Further, the performer might add a completely separate value to a song, the impact being in the voice, not the lyrical content. Their performance can make something seemingly mundane into something spectacular. I'm sure we all have favorite artists we could listen to sing anything and be moved.

It's hard to really judge lyrics by reading them if they don't stand out. If you are confident the music can carry the lyrics or the performer can sell them, then they might work fine. Sometimes simple, straightforward lyrics are the best. But keep at it and good luck with your writing!
Thanks, I should be changing up the lyrics pretty soon because it's become clear that many of the lyrics in my song are quite overused. I don't think I'm that good of a musical artist to turn make this song great like how professionals can so this was very useful to me. Thanks again.