I'll Still Wait

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Dave Smith94

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« on: February 28, 2012, 03:53:27 PM »

Sticks ansd stones wont break my bones,
But you words will always hurt me,
Little girl youve grown up alone,
so go on now desert me.

But picture this in 5 years time,
Standing there right by my side,
Stood so tall and filled with pride,
Floating through on butterflys.

But i know you cant commit,
Bout to set sail but you jump ship,
And leave behind a boy under your spell,
She broke her heart before she fell.

And though i know its hard to tell,
Shes shed so many tears could fill a well.

Well if thats all youll give,
Then thats all ill take,
Ill still be  standing here,
Yes ill still wait,
Maybe its a big mistake,
But the greatest one ill ever make.

But picture this in 5 years time,
Standing there right by my side,
Stood so tall and filled with pride,
Floating through on butterflys.

Innominate

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« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2012, 06:01:26 PM »
The opening lines were interesting to use, obviously we all know that playschool rhyme and its always fun when you can include a bit in a poem. The inclusion of 'your' breaks the familiar rhyme however. Maybe it's a small thing but the rhythm of the rhyme changes and i'm not fond of that. It's such a familiar rhyme that it puts me off immediately when extra syllables are added. Changing one or two words would be preferable to altering the rhythm.

But picture this in 5 years time,           
Standing there right by my side,
Stood so tall and filled with pride,
Floating through on butterflys.


This is easily the best part. A perfect example of how using the same rhyme in each of the 4 lines can be used and work well.

The change in subject and tense is a little confusing. Are you telling her to picture something or the reader? It could be read that "this' is the subject and it is what is standing next to you. But I don't think that's the case. If so a change to, "I picture you in 5 years time, Standing there right by my side" or  "But picture this in 5 years time, You're standing here right by my side" would clear up the subject. Notice the differences those changes make? Even "But picture us in 5 years time, Standing there now side by side" would clear up the subject question.

As for the tenses, what are you suggesting? A future scenario to imagine or trying to get her to reflect on some thing that has already happened? The change in tense from "Standing"(Present-tense) to "Stood"(Past-tense) confuses this for me. Also who is standing there? You? Her? Both of you? And standing where? There or here? "Here" would suggest she returns to you. "There" suggests somewhere you are not, possibly with you but that isn't indicated either. Since there is no location indicated in the poem I can't solve this question on my own. Then you use "Floating" which is present tense after you used the past-tense "Stood". You two "were" floating or you "floated" upon butterflys? This further confuses what you're saying.

As for the rest of the poem, I think it could use some editing. In a number of places it feels like you've crammed too many words in a line than the natural rhythm allows.

7   But i know you cant commit,               - Good line, creates a nice sharp variation from the stanza before
8   Bout to set sail but you jump ship,        - Using B at the beginning of both of these first two lines doesn't sit well with me
10 And leave behind a boy under your spell, -This feels like a lot of syllables and you can probably word it better anyways
8   She broke her heart before she fell.      - Another good line. Confused though, she broke her own heart and not his? Why would she leave then?


And though i know its hard to tell,            -The last 2 lines used this rhyme to end a stanza, using it again is a detriment i think
Shes shed so many tears could fill a well.    - Doesn't flow, feels cramped, you can express this better

Since nobody posted anything yet I thought i'd give you a decent amount of criticism to compensate. Remember, I don't know what i'm talking about so ignore me without fear. I want to like this poem more but I think it needs to be edited to both clear up the functional problems (tenses, confusing subjects etc) and to express things clearer and cleaner. The flow and rhythm of the poem gets interrupted in a number of places. But I think you should definitely spend the time, this poem is worth it. Good job. (:


« Last Edit: March 03, 2012, 06:03:37 PM by Innominate »

The Corsair

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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2012, 12:23:45 AM »
I say it's all damn fine writing save for one little bit
Sticks and stones wont break my bones,
But your words will always hurt me


Frankly the 'Sticks and Stones may break my bones' thing is becoming an enormous cliche, especially when the saying is twisted for some different meaning or effect.
Aside from that, good job!

Also, for your consideration: http://acomicaday.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/sticks-and-stones.png?w=584
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