Liquidate

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Sellon

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« on: February 28, 2012, 02:44:41 AM »
everyone dies....some people just leave more of a ripple in some people than others

I cut my hair for the funeral
Cause you always said I needed it cut
I walked up to your grave, I kept my eyes shut
I almost fell in to the hole
You were what was keeping me whole...

So I'll keep this short because I always knew you hated me writing long things to you
It was harder to watch them bury you than to watch you die
Because I knew it was real, it was all happening right before my eyes
I started drinking again
Because I started thinking again
It was harder to keep things back
Your mom says she misses you
I miss you too
Sometimes I go to your house and ask if you're there
I forget you're gone
It's like I still care 3 months on
And sometimes...
Just sometimes
I try to imagine you're there
Sometimes I can see you smiling...I swear...
« Last Edit: February 28, 2012, 04:22:57 AM by Sellon »
What if we both just smiled at once?

Kafla

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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2012, 09:33:07 AM »
Sellon,

for me this is a poem more than a song - to write music to this would be very difficult. Try to be more aware of a basic structure, syllable count and more defined sections if you want to place this to music.

That aside your lyrics fascinate me and resonate with me - they could certainly be adapted into a very good song/theme.

This is fantastic - I am not going to highlight any sections  - this is just a fantastic piece of prose - I think you are one of the best lyric writers on here - but mad as a box of frogs ;)

Stunning writing :)

Remember - the more quality feedback you give, the more you receive. Take time to listen and review other members' songs.

The Corsair

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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2012, 10:25:37 AM »
Two words for you Kafla
Prog Rock

:P

Ok so yes that's 'cheating' in a sense because any syllable count and structure can be worked into a prog song...


But yes, I do agree with Kafla, it doesn;t really seem to be much of a song and is really more a poem. There's little distinction between the two when it comes to lyrics, yes, but I think the lack of clear structure and (perhaps more importantly) the lack of a repeated 'mini-structure' would define this as a poem rather than a song

Still, excellently written!
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Kafla

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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2012, 10:50:01 AM »
Two words for you Kafla
Prog Rock

:P

Ok so yes that's 'cheating' in a sense because any syllable count and structure can be worked into a prog song...


But yes, I do agree with Kafla, it doesn;t really seem to be much of a song and is really more a poem. There's little distinction between the two when it comes to lyrics, yes, but I think the lack of clear structure and (perhaps more importantly) the lack of a repeated 'mini-structure' would define this as a poem rather than a song

Still, excellently written!

What I should say is that this is a poem in the free verse style - there is no structure at all - One of my all time favourite poets Don Paterson frequently uses this style

Obviously conventional poetry does follow a similar pattern to a song but this is clearly neither written conventionally as a song or a poem

Yeah Prog Rock Corsair - license to do what you want ;)
« Last Edit: February 28, 2012, 10:53:42 AM by Kafla »
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Schavuitje

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« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2012, 02:33:46 PM »
Hey! Don't be dissing prog rock!  :D

Prog rock is very inventive. I'm with you though haha.

These "Lyrics" have captivated me AGAIN! I agree they are not reeaaaally lyrics and not really a poem but I have no doubts

that they could be put to music.

Well done again mate. Your lyrics always have me enthralled :)
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Sellon

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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2012, 09:56:17 PM »
Well, thanks everyone for your views, I take everything in and try to get better, however let me put a few examples of songs that are like mine maybe you'll be less confused...

&feature=related
<- I got my inspiration to write differently from this song about 2 years ago

there isn't anything to define a song from a poem, just how the writer wants it to be really.
What if we both just smiled at once?

Songsmith

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« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2012, 01:51:10 PM »
Hey Sellon,

another awesome piece of work, I wouldn't care what label others may want to tag onto this, the main thing is it could so easily be put to music of many styles.

Well done mate

Sellon

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« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2012, 05:33:29 AM »
thanks very much man, i appreciate it.
What if we both just smiled at once?