Your Silhouette - updated, suggestions please?

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ShAaShAy

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« on: February 18, 2012, 04:30:13 PM »
after adding 2 more stanzas!
would appreciate suggestions!



As the night overlays,
in my arms will you please stay?
there are things that I've to say
and then there's you, the one i crave


the sun will shine, it'll continue
just like you, illuminate the darkest blues
it seems as if so every dismay's been drained
that's what your silhouette brings to my day


round and round goes my mind
as i daze into your reflection
my world seems to gently clarify
our fingers were meant to intertwine


the stars will glow, they'll carry on
as you my dear, as you glow on
i know someday you'll sail away
but i'll always remember what your silhouette
brought to my day


the air twirls forever,
it's carrying your aroma around
it takes to the sky, high above
signals to you my love,
to let your feelings pour out


time will go on, it won't wait
but you better hold on to me, don't fade
those three words are just not enough
as the presence of your silhouette
is always awaited my love

« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 04:36:09 AM by ShAaShAy »

postmn

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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2012, 03:12:06 PM »


its very detailed in a way and it works, cant wait to hear what it sounds like, keep em comin :D

ShAaShAy

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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 04:16:02 PM »
it's detailed, that's a good thing i reckon?
sadly i can't create music to these, i have my reasons, but i'm glad you responded!
thank you  :)

jmacdon

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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 08:14:34 PM »
Call me slow but with references like reflection and silhouette, it seems the song is about someone who is no longer around.  This seems to be a romantic ballad (I can just picture a retrospective tear-jerking piano intro, supported by strings to lead into the chorus / hook.   Is this the style you imagined?  How do you "hear" this musically?


ShAaShAy

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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 08:16:49 PM »
that's exactly what i had in mind while writing those lines.
about someone who's no longer gonna be around anymore, the music you described would fit this perfectly and it was what i had in mind!  :D

Innominate

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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2012, 01:53:39 AM »
This feels clumsy to me and seems to lack any melodic rhythm. I also don't really understand whats going on or many of the metaphors. How does "the night overlay in [your] arms"? Feels like you thought it sounded good but doesn't make any real sense.

On the upside, the main message is strong and there are many lines i am fond of like "as i daze into your reflection", that ones a pretty clever pun. However, i'm not sure what you were trying for rhythmically so maybe it's exactly what you wanted. The silhouette theme is quite nice as well.

ShAaShAy

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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2012, 04:34:34 AM »
thank's for the feedback Innominate, it's appreciated.

the first line is actually separate, there's no way night can overlay in someone's arms  :P
the second line "in my arms, will you please stay?", the (in my arms) part is what i say to the person i'm with that current moment, not referring to the night. The night was mentioned to describe that specific moment.

I'm glad you like some lines, and the theme too.  :D

Songsmith

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« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2012, 03:15:59 PM »
I agree with postman, would love to hear these lyrics put to a melody to be able to give more advice, very nice  :)

ShAaShAy

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« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2012, 05:14:43 PM »
thank you Songsmith!  :D