[rightly]

I tried to write a song about the plight of a single mother I know.
I may have failed in this endeavour.
The song turned out rather bleek, or one-sided.

But this is a song, not a student thesis.

in real life, there are, of course, other tones, these tones escaped this written verse.
Maybe, as the song develops, during production, I'll catch them, maybe not.


You Gave Them Life

you gave them life
they take your life
and it's a crying shame
from passing need to
elbows deep you
have no one else to blame
from day to day you have to pay
 more than you can afford
as hammers fall, they'll take it all
 then bleed you out for more

your sacrifice, you gave them life

far beyond reach,
free when asleep
if only for a while
the screaming dancer,
 wants an answer
he's just his mother's child
 she's gath'ring now, a heavy cloud
almost ready to pour
feigned resistance t' mountains o' distance
out for the count I'm sure

you pay the price, you gave them life
you gave them life, they take your life

you've been busy
spinning dizzy
your pleasures left a stain
the circle closes
thorns and roses
there's no joy without pain
childhood dreams now loose at the seams
 you'll squeeze into that coat
gloves with patches, your house built of matches
sure to go up in smoke

they take your life, you gave them life
you gave them life, they take your life
you gave them life, they take your life
you gave them life

___________
Rightly

[rightly]

Formatted differently
__________


You Gave Them Life


you gave them life, they take your life
     and it's a crying shame
from passing need to elbows deep, you
    have no one else to blame
from day to day you have to pay
more than you can afford
as hammers fall, they'll take it all
      then bleed you out for more

  you sacrifice, you gave them life

far beyond reach, free when asleep
     if only for a while
the screaming dancer wants an answer
    he's just his mother's child
she's gath'ring now, a heavy cloud
       almost ready to pour
feigned resistance t' mountains o' distance
     out for the count I'm sure

you pay the price, you gave them life
you gave them life, they take your life

you've been busy, spinning dizzy
    your pleasures left a stain
th' circle closes, thorns and roses
   there's no joy without pain
childhood dreams now loose at the seams
    you'll squeeze into that coat
gloves with patches, y' house built of matches
       sure to go up in smoke

you sacrifice, you gave them life
you gave them life, they take your life


______________

[TWMusic]

Hi there,
I'm a newbie on the forum. I hope it's ok for me to make some comments on your lyrics?
Before I make any comment I should let you know that I am a full time, professional freelance songwriter and producer and I get sent lyrics from amateur songwriters. I work mainly in the country music genre so many of the songs that I produce are simple, and straightforward.

So - I really like the lyrics - meaningful and hard, but emotive too - thought provoking. I always think that by the 3rd line of any song the listener should want to 'know more' about the subject. The whole purpose of the song is to create a sense of yearning or longing to hear the chorus part over and over again, but we have to engage the listener in the first place through the use of engaging lyrics as well as catchy and memorable melodies.

I think the rhyming scheme could work well and the syllable count in each line is ok. If I were to be commissioned to write the melody and produce the song then there may be a couple of places that I would have to slightly re-phrase. This would just be to make the lyrics flow smoothly - avoiding it sounding like they had been 'shoe-horned' in.

My main observation and recommendation would be to work on the arrangement of the lyrics. The first thing that I would need would be to select one of the stanzas (whichever works as the strongest) and choose that to be the chorus section that features at least twice, possible 3 times in the song. The other sections would be verses. The dynamics of the song in the production would be such that the chorus sections are the most dynamically strong and powerful. I'd also recommend that you added a short bridge section. The purpose of the bridge section is to take the listener on a temporary detour away from the (already established) melody and chord structure in order to make the return to the final chorus all the sweeter - think of it a little like 'cleansing the palette' during a meal.

I hope that my comments are useful and that you don't feel upset by them in any way. Just trying to be helpful :-)

Best wishes,

Toby

[rightly]

Hi there,
I'm a newbie on the forum. I hope it's ok for me to make some comments on your lyrics?
Before I make any comment I should let you know that I am a full time, professional freelance songwriter and producer and I get sent lyrics from amateur songwriters. I work mainly in the country music genre so many of the songs that I produce are simple, and straightforward.

So - I really like the lyrics - meaningful and hard, but emotive too - thought provoking. I always think that by the 3rd line of any song the listener should want to 'know more' about the subject. The whole purpose of the song is to create a sense of yearning or longing to hear the chorus part over and over again, but we have to engage the listener in the first place through the use of engaging lyrics as well as catchy and memorable melodies.

I think the rhyming scheme could work well and the syllable count in each line is ok. If I were to be commissioned to write the melody and produce the song then there may be a couple of places that I would have to slightly re-phrase. This would just be to make the lyrics flow smoothly - avoiding it sounding like they had been 'shoe-horned' in.

My main observation and recommendation would be to work on the arrangement of the lyrics. The first thing that I would need would be to select one of the stanzas (whichever works as the strongest) and choose that to be the chorus section that features at least twice, possible 3 times in the song. The other sections would be verses. The dynamics of the song in the production would be such that the chorus sections are the most dynamically strong and powerful. I'd also recommend that you added a short bridge section. The purpose of the bridge section is to take the listener on a temporary detour away from the (already established) melody and chord structure in order to make the return to the final chorus all the sweeter - think of it a little like 'cleansing the palette' during a meal.

I hope that my comments are useful and that you don't feel upset by them in any way. Just trying to be helpful :-)

Best wishes,

Toby

Hey, thanks for commenting Toby.
And welcome to the forum.

An insightful and articulate post.

The arrangements of my songs often vary.
It's rare I cover songs,
but I think that'd help with broadening my options.

I'm looking forward to producing this one
I've a few newish songs planned out.

It takes longer these days