[Sterix]

Looking for Love (the "Married 25 Years" nix)

A a couple of years ago the wonderful Boydie ( @Boydie  )helped turn one of my songs into something real. With help from Jack ( @jacksimmons ) and Vicki ( @CaliaMoko  ) providing vocals there it was: an actual song that I'd written and I was able to hear it. It felt wonderful!

But there was one thing missing (welk; two. But I'll get to that in a moment).

What was missing was Mrs. Sterix...

A long, long time ago we'd actually made a "live" recording together of this song on cassette. Me playing the synthesizer (not very good but I managed to not screw up too much) and myself and my wife providing vocals. I was actually annoyed with her on  that recording originally because she ad-libbed a line and I was pretty pissed with her at the time. But then it grew on me until the song couldn't live without that extra line.

Unfortunately, that recording has long-since been lost to the world and that's one of my biggest regrets in life. It was one of those moments where we really clicked together and I've been desperate to relive it again. It's just never worked out. For one thing, despite any confidence I show with my writing on this forum I'm actually very secretive when it comes to my lyrics when it comes to my wife. I've shared (to my shame) far more stuff here than I have with her. I just find it too difficult to share this part of my life for whatever reason (I think the nearest I can put it is that I feel a sense of vulnerability with them and when I've tried to bring her into into this part of my life it only takes the one wrong word to cut me like a knife and I automatically withdraw from her on this - not sure if you'll understand this but it's the best I can do to explain. I guess the ones you love the most can hurt you most, even when they don't mean to).

So the first thing missing is a recording of me and my wife singing this together like we did before.

The second part was all me... I've never been happy with the lyrics. I've spent thirty years or so trying to get them right but I've never managed to. I've been hindered by the fact I wrote them originally when I was much younger and I want to keep as much essence of thos original lyrics as possible. I've never spent as much time on one set of lyrics (even "Oh Futility" for the Sinners) than I have trying to get this right. Normally I can (and pardon my French) piss these things. I can quite often write lyrics in 10-15 minutes and not need to change even one word but this song... bloody aaaaaggghhh!

Until now that is. Holy merde! I think I've finally freaking done it. I think I've finally found the final version of the lyrics. I'm so shocked.

So with that out of the way, I need to find the courage to go back to the other part. I need to bring my lovely wife back into the musical fold and record this again with her. Oh boy! I'm nervous!

I have the instrumental version of the song ready that Boydie so generously provided and I've been practicing si‌nging to it. What I haven't done is tell my wife. Every time I've worked up the courage I've faltered and backed down (I'm such a pussy!).

Which is where you come in, my wonderful song-making friends!

I figure I need that extra push - that little something that MAKES me go through with this. Something that prevents me from NOT doing this.

I figure that if I announce needing to do this it will make it something I HAVE to go through with. So I want you to push me on this, berate me even when it seems like I'm not getting anywhere with it. I'd like you to be both my Devil's Advocate and the Angel on my Shoulder whispering encouragement in my ear. Hopefully I'll be able to get passed this "block" and get this done.

Sorry for the long post... and thanks in advance.

[Skub]

It'd be cool to get your wife involved,only you know how receptive she'll be with the notion.
My wife has never ever heard any of my songs and has made it plain on occasions when I've asked her to listen,that she has no interest. She views it as my 'thing' and not very good at that. She's probably right.

Some years ago,in a fit of madness I uploaded a couple of songs onto her ipod,just to see what would happen and she practically went radio rental. Akin to musical rape.

It's not possible to involve anyone who doesn't have any interest,so if your wife appreciates what you do,then it could be very cool indeed.

[CaliaMoko]

Okay, @Sterix , as you know, you ABSOLUTELY MUST make this happen! It is not optional. I'm going to get very manipulative here. I just lost my husband in January to a sudden and unexpected heart attack. And--while it is unlikely the same thing will happen in your life--you just never know what is around the corner in your life. You don't want to have regrets. Seriously! Even tiny regrets can cause an amazing amount of pain. Compared to that, the discomfort of being vulnerable for your project is not as big as it feels to you.

That being said, of course, it DOES FEEL really big to you at the moment. The thing is, that really doesn't matter. DO IT ANYWAY!!! Tell her you're scared to death even to bring it up but you know it would be worse if you didn't. Go ahead and sweat. Shake like a leaf. If it's too hard to talk, write it down and let her read it. It's okay to be afraid. Just do it anyway. You already know she'll say yes. She did it once before; she'll do it again.

Are you thinking she'll object because you got mad about her ad lib? Could happen. If it does, grovel. Tell her she was right and you were wrong. The song desperately needed that line. And, naturally, you'll need to be okay with it if she does something like that again.

Have I gotten you on board yet? If not, call me and I'll yell at you! 

[CorkingCrackBand]

I'd like you to be both my Devil's Advocate 

Get on with it you sad sack of shit.

and the Angel on my Shoulder whispering encouragement in my ear.

You can do it @Sterix ! You're on the home straight - all these years and you're ready. You know you are. Don't listen to sour faced devil dipshit. She may well love the thought behind this and be overjoyed to relive that day with you again: creating a new memory and memento of your ongoing love. The worst case scenario* is that she says she'd rather you made it without her. I'm sure she will appreciate the gesture, either way.

CCB

*Okay so there's worse case scenarios than that: like the time it takes you to tell her, is the same time that she would have taken to noticed and warn little Timmy from across the road that there was an approaching car as he played with his new toy truck in the street. At least it was fast - his death that is, not the car. Although the car was likely going too fast and almost certainly driven by someone not paying enough attention to the road.

But that's less likely than your wife saying yes - so GO FOR IT! 

[Sterix]

I was ready to tell her yesterday... just about got the right moment. Then the bloody dog had to collapse again but this time she wasn't going to recover (at least not without suffering a lot of pain). So, we had THAT talk this morning and, the upshot was, our beloved Malamute was put to sleep this afternoon. I've been blubbing like a bloody girl all day. More so than my wife somehow.

So, not a good time to bring it up right now. Damn, doesn't life get in the way of the best-laid plans...

I'm determined to bring her on board next weekend. It's just that, the more I put it off, the easier it gets to put it off indefinitely. So easy to find an excuse not to...

But she's definitely not in the mood right now for me to bring this up.

Merde!

[Sterix]

It'd be cool to get your wife involved,only you know how receptive she'll be with the notion.
My wife has never ever heard any of my songs and has made it plain on occasions when I've asked her to listen,that she has no interest. She views it as my 'thing' and not very good at that. She's probably right.

Some years ago,in a fit of madness I uploaded a couple of songs onto her ipod,just to see what would happen and she practically went radio rental. Akin to musical rape.

It's not possible to involve anyone who doesn't have any interest,so if your wife appreciates what you do,then it could be very cool indeed.

It's not that she's not interested. It's just that, although she's very supportive of what I do and would like to see more, she's also said a few things that have really cut me (she says she was joking but she really hurt me with the words she chose).

I think that's what's holding me back the most. It's like she's put a wall up that I'm struggling to break through. I wish I could, but something holds me back.

[CorkingCrackBand]

Well now my comment about the worst happening appears in incredibly bad taste…

I’m very sorry to hear about your dog and wish you the very best.

As to the OP problem, you say that what she said hurt you. That means that you value her opinion and that’s exactly what you want from a loving relationship. I would say that, cutting though the words may have been - trust your partner when they say they were joking. You’ll never definitively know whether she really meant those words but you DO know that she at least regrets them. It would be such a shame if a few poorly chosen words stopped you from sharing a part of yourself with the one you love. Everything you’ve said says ‘she’ll like this idea.’
My ex also said some cutting things? All the more painful for the matter of fact delivery. It’s not nice or easy but the only thing we can do is remember the love that is there and that we don’t always love/everything about our partners. It’s ok for them to think that I couldn’t sing my way out of an X factor reject room… I mean it’s ok for them not to like everything about us or think we’re perfect. She loves you. That’s much more all encompassing than a comment potentially made in jest.

  Overcome that hurdle, when you now feel the time is right. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by her reaction and the ‘I was joking’ explanation she gave will feel more likely. 

Again, my condolences on your loss and best wishes moving forward. Don’t take this message as a pled to rush onward. Take your time to process your grief and decide the best time for the both of you to share, what I’m sure will be, a moment of beautiful unity and love.

CCB

[PaulAds]

Just ask her, ffs

[pompeyjazz]

Blimey Martin. I think that maybe the best approach would be to say to your wife “Would you like to sing a song with me ?” If she says yes then problem solved for you, if she says no then fair enough also and you should really accept her point of view

[adamfarr]

Hi Martin - overthinking a bit? She won't deliberately hurt you (and anyway even if she said something negative that's just one honest point of view which won't be the first or the last). And you'll regret more saying nothing. Someone once said that hard conversations are basically only 20 seconds of awkwardness which is soon gone, so time to dive in.

[cowparsleyman]

@Sterix - I removed my post for obvious reasons, apologies for the lack of thought Martin. I concur with Adam and John, you can't make her want to do and the fact that you are sensitive about it may maginfy the importance and the stakes to you.

Talk to her and listen.

Wish you all the best with it.

Rich

[Sterix]

Sorry I've been away for a while on this. Our beloved dog died last week and we've both been upset - my wife most especially.

I've almost got to the point where I've asked her to do this but held back for whatever reason (it's like approaching a precipice but unable to take the step to fall off it...) I've held off. I need to find a moment that's "natural" and not forced.

It's not that she won't want to do it - it's more that I've always felt reluctant to let her into my "world". When I've said before that she's said something that has really hurt me about this, I don't mean she's negatively critiqued my works - it's something else entirely. It's hard to say what (mainly because my memory is really bad so I can't even recall the exact situation - more just the general feeling).

I'm currently working on a new lyric video for this and then my aim is to ask her to join in once I'm done with that.

[Sterix]

I finally got round to talking to my wife about this. I've got a long weekend off work (which has been really stressful for me the last few months) so I'm hoping to go through it with her and maybe start laying some vocals down.

With respect to that... I don't have anywhere near a professional setup. Just a PC and "normal" microphone. I can use Garageband on my work's Mac or Cakewalk/Audacity on my home PC... any advice on vocal recording vocals would be appreciated.