[Carl O]

Hi forum.

I've not been writing songs long, and this is the first thing I've recorded that's a finished song and a rung above just experimenting and messing about.

Constructive criticism welcome of course.

Also, it's done in a country style, but I'm not someone who really listens to country music. So, I'd be interested to know whether you think this works in that genre, or whether it seems like just a pastiche.

Many thanks in advance.

https://soundcloud.com/user-78460122/miserable-cowboy-song

LYRICS:

You called your boss up and you told the swine what he could do.
And now your landlord wants you out because you're overdue.
Please understand, it's not that I don't care.
I deeply sympathize, but we all have our cross to bear.
I am a man who's in love with a woman, yeah.
I am a man who's in love with a woman, yeah.

You fell down at the grocery store clutching at your chest.
And now the doctors say you've got eleven months, at best.
Well, I'm not the kinda guy who knows what to say.
I guess it sucks for you but we all have to go someday.
I am a man who's in love with a woman, hey.

One day maybe I'll think of someone other than myself.
Right now I can't lift me up, never mind nobody else.

Your woman's got you feeling like you've had enough of it.
It gets mid-evening and she tells you that that she has to split.
I feel you, buddy. I really do.
She'll never leave me but she'll always have this thing with you.
I am the man who's in love with this woman too.

[rightly]

Welcome to the forum!

not bad at all for a 1st

a bit dodgy with the vocals in the bridge particularly
lol. I can vaguely identify with that cowboy.
I like his answer to the 11 months, most folks wouldn't know what to say and force something awful out.

All the best, Rightly

[Carl O]

Thanks rightly.

Sadly, vocals are not my strong suite. If you think that was ropey, I've got some real treats for you on my hard drive.

I'm actually thinking of taking singing lessons, because I've got some songs that I think are half-decent but I'd be acutely embarrassed to play the recordings to anyone.

[moraamarolaloba]

Hola @Carl O

Nice to meet you, welcome to the forum!!
I hink its a cool song, full of nuances through the lyrics. Very nice listening and having a very catchy part.

Stay well
Mora

[cowparsleyman]

@Carl O A huge warm welcome, it certainly works for me, bang on genre, as for constructive criticism, maybe choose a key a few semitones higher, look at the middle 8 change , but the song, lyrics etc are all very good indeed, loved the shuffle brush drums

[Carl O]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Following cowparsleyman's suggestion, I've done a version that is a tone higher. I'm not actually sure it makes much difference in terms of the quality of the vocal. Maybe I should have gone higher still.

https://soundcloud.com/user-78460122/miserable-cowboy-song-2

And, for reference, the original:

https://soundcloud.com/user-78460122/miserable-cowboy-song

Is this an improvement?

[4Below]

Well Carl O... first of all welcome to the group there's a good bunch in here of varying levels of musicianship and songwriting so its safe place to air your songwriting and performance attempts. Not everyone will like it but take on board the critiques and use it to build your skills going forward. The first song I wrote had 2 chords in it and no structure changes from chorus to verse ... it was not good of course those were in the days before forums like this existed so fortunately nobody heard it. Anyway to your song. I think its fairly representative of the genre, guitar is decent, like the shuffle drums and the Harmonica is great, could do with a little bass in it and a better mix. Your vocals are the sticky point for me. Its definitely too low for your natural register those low notes are causing to sing so softly you are having to push your vocal way up in the mix and its very crackly and poppy and not a pleasant listening experience. You also drift quite badly out of tune in the mid change. For me a good rule of thumb is if I cant sing it in my conversation voice then it will probably sit ok in my singing voice if that makes sense. For reference your second attempt a tone up is much better even if you cant hear it yourself and I agree I think you could have gone a bit further. You really want to push yourself here it shouldn't be too comfortable to sing, it should take a bit of effort and maybe a few retakes to nail it. Absolutely consider singing lessons if that is an option for you anything that helps us grow as writers and performers is to be encouraged. Remember you are at the start of your journey and things will only get better. Ive been writing songs for decades but only seriously in the last 5 or so years and only now feel I am starting to get in to my stride so it does take time with more misses than hits. As long as you enjoy it then have at it my friend and enjoy the journey !

[ChrisPrice]

I think you have a great vocal style in the making here. I don't think you need singing lessons. Might be better to practice how to get the best from your voice but that will come. As others have said, there's one or two uncertain moments here, but this is still a really cool song. You'll always win me over with a harmonica too!! I like this track.