[StevieJ]

Hi peeps, I wrote the verses to this song when I was working away from home and it was a bit of a strain on my relationship, lots of having to reassure my partner, but it was a well paid job which I only took to help with our future. I'm looking for feedback on all of it really. lyrics, mix, production etc. is it too contrasting between verses and hook? anyway any feedback would be greatly appreciated as always. Lyrics below

https://soundcloud.com/user-586564289/listen-girl-i-want-you?si=579db68e29754e589394efa35f8329af

Listen Girl (I Want You)

Verse 1
I know i'm over a 1000 miles away
Just give me a few days and ill be on that plane
I feel the same, I wish I could see you more
But it’s our future that I’m doing this for
I hope you know that I’ve only got eyes for you
It’s just a faze that we’ll have to battle through
Listen girl I want you, I want you

hook (rap)
Listen girl, I want you
could never lay you off like a 1 2
could never make you redundant
Cos I got love for you in abundance
I know I’m not always there for you
But trust me, I will always care for you
Just tryin to make this bread so I can tare bits off off off and share with you
I really hope that you’re listenin
You should see the car that I’m sittin in, watch glistening
Speaking from the future where you’ll never have to say “I’m missin him” (Repeat)

Verse 2
I know it’s hard, only speaking on the phone
Just give me a few days and I’ll be back at home
Being apart from you only makes me want you more
but it’s our future that I’m doing this for
Can’t wait to see you and do what we do
The thought of being together Is pulling me through
I want you I want you I want you

hook (rap)
Listen girl, I want you
could never lay you off like a 1 2
could never make you redundant
Cos I got love for you in abundance
I know I’m not always there for you
But trust me, I will always care for you
Just tryin to make this bread so I can tare bits off off off and share with you
I really hope that you’re listenin
You should see the car that I’m sittin in, watch glistening
Speaking from the future where you’ll never have to say “I’m missin him” (Repeat)

[5 guys named Lars]

Hi @StevieJ . I like your delivery & this appeals to me a lot. You`ve got a real talent. I`m no expert & one mans carrot is another mans cheese and I would be tempted to cut the number of words in the verses eg "Give me a few days, I`ll be on that plane" "its just a phase we`re battling through" etc etc to match the meter of the rhythm as I see your verses as more of a chorus & the rap as the verse.
The lyrics to the rap are superb but I would maybe consider writing more instead of repeating too often.. Maybe too much listening about the glistening car 4 times (& this coming from a bloke who repeated "Put your hands up" in a song 86 times. ) . It`s a great, grimey song though, professionally produced & as I said you`ve got a talent for writing. Hope you don`t mind the feedback, Stevie but if I didn`t like it I wouldn`t bother. Keep up the good work.
All the best,
Chris.

[StevieJ]

Thanks Chris, I appreciate your feedback. I'm starting to agree with you a bit here to be fair maybe there is too much of the same thing, I wasn't too sure where I was going with this but maybe I could switch it around a bit and make a chorus and raps as verses but with more content. I don't mind you saying what you think at all, that's what I'm here for so thank you very much for listening and taking the time to comment, much appreciated :O)