We Were

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exfairy

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« on: September 30, 2021, 09:56:33 AM »
Hi, long time no see. Apologies. Been busy and stuff.
Anyway.
I wrote a song the other day and I'm not 100% on it. It's on a topic that I've been trying to write about for the longest time and this is the first time I feel like I've kinda got it. But at the same time, I don't love the generic chords and melody and I suppose just would like some feedback/reassurance on it. I also don't love the bridge but putting it out there for thoughts.
I think a lot could be improved with a decent production, I've put in brackets lyrics I plan to add in on production.

Here's a link: https://soundcloud.com/hazukisongs/we-were/s-pmon6n5PFA9?si=a7450a287ef3477bbaf201bcefb481cf

Lyrics:
It was September 06 when we first clicked
We used to be enemies
It was the fall, and I can't recall why
But we became best friends - super-glued-throughout-all-time best friends
You got me into trouble, my parents didn't like you oh

But I remember how
You were there for me
First time I cried down the phone and
I never thought you would leave

We were in trouble for everything
We were together in anything
You were meant to tell me about your first boyfriend
I was meant to tell you that I wanted a girlfriend
We were friends
We were

Keeping afloat on opposite sides of the moat
I tried to make us plans
But guess who never turned up (she!)
Guess who got stood up (me!)
I had no one else, I know that you know that
And I was always depressed and alone

So how could you let me drown?
You always let me down

We were in trouble for everything
We were together in anything
You were meant to tell me about your first boyfriend
I was meant to tell you that I wanted a girlfriend
You were never reliable
I can't believe that I tried so hard
To keep us together
I thought we were better

Sometimes I reminisce
And wonder what you're doing now
I wana know if you think of me
I'll admit it gets easier
But can't deny that it never hurt
But despite all the pain, I miss you

ChrisPrice

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« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2021, 02:09:45 AM »
There's a hell of a good song in the making here. It's raw and a bit unsure of itself but I can here all kinds of possibilities. A full arrangement is what it needs imo. I'm not volunteering (!) as I have a lot going on just now, but I'd love to hear how this one develops. :)

StevieJ

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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2021, 02:53:25 PM »
hi there, i think the song is great, that "we were" part is so catchy and its a great story too. Obviously you need to develop the production of it but as far as the vocal, lyrics and melody i'd say you have the basis of a really cool song, well done, i enjoyed that very much.

adamfarr

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« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2021, 10:14:13 AM »
Great melodies here and great original lyrics. The "we were" chorus part is catchy too. I see what you mean about the chords - maybe they're a little "sweet" and don't have a dramatic edge, but I think that they suit the topic really well.

How do you hear a final version of this? Who are your influences? I think you should definitely take it to the next stage. 

Wicked Deeds

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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2021, 12:11:45 PM »
Hello @exfairy,

There is much to listen to and enjoy. Your song takes the listener on a journey and there are no shortage of ideas.  I think your voice sounds great. Your song could be improved with a better production and the inclusion of other musicians. Songwriting is a journey and your progress will therefore depend on your passion and your motivation, including the demands that life places on your time.  There is  much to celebrate here.  Seize your songwriting journey and enjoy the ride to producing great music.

Paul
"Syncopated steps we'll take. Be good for goodness sake. Let the band commence."

"http://cdbaby.com/cd/paulvasey

https://soundcloud.com/pvasey1

exfairy

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« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2021, 08:48:10 PM »
Thanks for all the feedback! And sorry it's taken so long to get back!
Yes, I am hoping to eventually put a full production and arrangement to this song (just having some technical difficulties with my software and stuff rn) but I have since updated it with some new lyrics and a new bridge so I guess any thoughts comparing the 2 would be nice :)

Link here: https://soundcloud.com/hazukisongs/we-were-2/s-pOz5hcG30tQ?si=d31ba9d039e04cbfbb15f8ccb2958bc3

Main lyric changes are in the 2nd verse and bridge.

2nd verse:
Growing apart, I think you got a headstart
You never pulled your weight
Guess who never turned up
Guess who got stood up
I know it's not on you to carry me home
But I had no one else, I know that you know that

Bridge:
I don't want to blame it all on you
I know that'd be cruel
I know deep down it's not your fault
But I'll admit it fucking hurts
To know we won't keep our word
So all I can say is I miss you