[Max66]

 

[LilPeeper]

For me personally this just feels a little flat/hollow. There's not much to say about because there's so few words used and so little story. I'd love to see a bit more depth to the lyrics and more emotional pull. 

[CaliaMoko]

I agree with LilPeeper, as this is strictly a lyric and I do prefer my lyrics to tell me something. On the other hand, an amazing number of songs that really didn't say much of anything at all have been popular commercially. The draw for those, I believe, is in the setting, the music. If this lyric were set to a danceable tune with a driving beat and all that, the words might not matter as much.

It also makes a difference what you are going for. If you wanted a lyric with a lot of meaning, I suggest spending more time on it. If you are more interested in something hypnotic with a strong beat, this could be it. Although you might need to work on getting the rhythms a bit more consistent. For instance, take the first two verses.

No, wait. Before we talk about the verses, let's look at the chorus. I would say the "Lazy summer evening" section. So I would put it first, where you have it AND add it after each verse.

Okay, now let's look at the verses:

All of the first lines need to be parallel because, in a song, they will have the same rhythm and melody. Same for all second lines, third lines, and fourth lines. The third and fourth lines are already parallel rhythmically, but not the other two.

Line 1:
Verse 1--Eve smile(d) (we need the D on "smiled")
The rhythm of this line is two strong beats
Verse 2--Then one day
The rhythm of this line is 1 strong beat, 1 weak beat, 1 strong beat
This CAN work, if the singer pauses between "Eve" and "smiled" where the weak beat should be.
Verse 3--We cover our bodies
The rhythm of this line is WEAK - STRONG - WEAK - WEAK - STRONG - WEAK
As you can see, this line has a lot more syllables than the first lines of the other two verses. It could still be made to work, but it would require smushing a lot of syllables into the same space as only two or three, as in the other lines. The melody would have to be able to handle it.

Line 2 in each verse has similar relationships. Again, it could be made to work, but would take some "smushing". The REASON these lines can be made to work (AND why I said you MIGHT need to work on the rhythms) is that each line that needs to be parallel has the same number of STRONG beats. Weak beats can often be "smushed" in if the strong beats are working.

Anyway, I'm no expert, and these are just my opinions, for whatever they're worth. I hope it's helpful but, if not, just ignore it.

[Max66]

For me personally this just feels a little flat/hollow. There's not much to say about because there's so few words used and so little story. I'd love to see a bit more depth to the lyrics and more emotional pull.

Thanks Lil, I was having a lazy evening a couple of weeks back thinking of another poem/lyric that I wrote that got me thinking about the Adam and Eve garden of eden story then I started typing this in my phone notepad, at the time it flow well with the ideas I was having but maybe I was thinking of it, as a poem, thanks again you have me thinking 

[Max66]

I agree with LilPeeper, as this is strictly a lyric and I do prefer my lyrics to tell me something. On the other hand, an amazing number of songs that really didn't say much of anything at all have been popular commercially. The draw for those, I believe, is in the setting, the music. If this lyric were set to a danceable tune with a driving beat and all that, the words might not matter as much.

It also makes a difference what you are going for. If you wanted a lyric with a lot of meaning, I suggest spending more time on it. If you are more interested in something hypnotic with a strong beat, this could be it. Although you might need to work on getting the rhythms a bit more consistent. For instance, take the first two verses.

No, wait. Before we talk about the verses, let's look at the chorus. I would say the "Lazy summer evening" section. So I would put it first, where you have it AND add it after each verse.

Okay, now let's look at the verses:

All of the first lines need to be parallel because, in a song, they will have the same rhythm and melody. Same for all second lines, third lines, and fourth lines. The third and fourth lines are already parallel rhythmically, but not the other two.

Line 1:
Verse 1--Eve smile(d) (we need the D on "smiled")
The rhythm of this line is two strong beats
Verse 2--Then one day
The rhythm of this line is 1 strong beat, 1 weak beat, 1 strong beat
This CAN work, if the singer pauses between "Eve" and "smiled" where the weak beat should be.
Verse 3--We cover our bodies
The rhythm of this line is WEAK - STRONG - WEAK - WEAK - STRONG - WEAK
As you can see, this line has a lot more syllables than the first lines of the other two verses. It could still be made to work, but it would require smushing a lot of syllables into the same space as only two or three, as in the other lines. The melody would have to be able to handle it.

Line 2 in each verse has similar relationships. Again, it could be made to work, but would take some "smushing". The REASON these lines can be made to work (AND why I said you MIGHT need to work on the rhythms) is that each line that needs to be parallel has the same number of STRONG beats. Weak beats can often be "smushed" in if the strong beats are working.

Anyway, I'm no expert, and these are just my opinions, for whatever they're worth. I hope it's helpful but, if not, just ignore it.

Thanks again Vicki I have edit and add, again take your time you have me thinking and by the way the driving beat, you're the second person to mention that way