Hi @Max66 . It looks like you're fairly new? Welcome to the forum!
I don't get into the forum as much as I used to (medical situation in my family and I'm the 24/7 caretaker), but I stopped by today and noticed this post doesn't have any responses yet. I'm not that good with other people's lyrics but I can give you my thoughts based on my limited understanding of what makes a good lyric.
What struck me right away was succinctness, no extra words.
Next I noticed your title does not seem to be the hook--and then I got to wondering what the hook is? I don't think the title MUST be the hook, though it often is. And in the case of this song, maybe the hook is more melodic? Maybe the melody of the chorus will showcase one of the lines in a hooky way?
And one other thing I noticed was word usage on one line: The dust rise. To make sense, I think it needs to say "The dust rises".
That's about it. It would be interesting to hear this set to music! And I hope this was helpful.
Vicki
Thanks CaliaMoko [24/7 caretaker] that's the toughest job there is, will change what needed thank you can I ask [What struck me right away was succinctness, no extra words] forgive me but [succinctness] is that something new I haven't heard of, listen take your time.
