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Feedback on finished song - Off World

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Lazernaut

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« on: December 29, 2020, 11:24:15 PM »
Hey everyone. I recently released my first EP. The 2nd song features lyrics by Sterix of this forum, but I'm posting because I would love feedback on a song I wrote entirely myself. I took an online course some time back on how to write lyrics but I must say I find the discipline exceptionally challenging.
Here are the lyrics:
Verse 1
Youthful and ignorant
Looking up into the void
Tiny orbs of mystery
Luring my mind away

Verse 2
Knowing the universe
and the treasures held within
Entering the vault is hard
When you don’t have the key

Chorus
I wanna go off-world
See it all unfurled
Explorer at heart
and no way to depart
Looking forward to hearing from you - good or bad :)

Sterix

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« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2020, 07:05:42 AM »
It was great working with you, @Lazernaut - I loved the finished song.

This one, too, was a great tune.

I've been writing lyrics for over 30 years now, and listening to music for even longer, and the one thing I've concluded over that time is that there's no wrong or right to writing lyrics (or, at least, there's no commercial bar to it!). You only have to look at the charts to see that great lyrics don't always make a hit, and a lot of hits have really TERRIBLE lyrics!

At the end of the day it comes down to what YOU really think of them. Do they convey what you want them to convey? That's probably the most important consideration. If they do, then great.

If not - what parts don't you like? Tinker with those.

Personally, reading through your lyrics (and with the tune in mind, also) I think they convey what you were probably trying to convey: someone looking up to the stars and wanting to actually be there. That's how I read the lyrics, and that resonates with me personally. I'm that person you wrote about - looking up at the night sky and wishing it was me up there.
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If you like my lyrics and want to work with me, PM me...

Lazernaut

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« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2020, 11:03:52 PM »
Thanks for the reply. Was great working with you too :)
I'm glad you got what it was about - and you're right. All that really matters is whether the listener gets what they're about. Although I guess, perhaps, what I was looking for too is from a technical stand point. Like, the rhythm, rime etc.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2021, 12:04:28 AM »
The message--wanting to travel to the stars--seems clear to me. Technically, I can't speak to the rhythm sensibly without hearing it with the music. Without the music, the rhythm seems inconsistent but I know there are ways to deal with that when setting something to a melody. I was intrigued by the rhyme scheme. At first, I didn't think there was one. The verses do not rhyme, so that rhyme pattern would be XXXX for each. The chorus does rhyme; the pattern is AABB. And the rhymes are perfect (not imperfect rhymes).

So, coming at it from a Pat Pattison viewpoint, I would say this song is strongly unstable. The verses are totally unstable--the rhythms do not match and there is no rhyme scheme. The chorus is partly unstable--the rhythms still do not quite exactly match and the rhyme scheme is a perfect AABB. So that rhyme scheme is the only stable element in the song (as far as I can tell without hearing it with the music).

Is all that good or bad? I would say good, because your theme is mostly unstable--the protagonist is wishing for something, life is not the way s/he wants it to be. That's an unstable situation. I'm not sure if I can say whether there is anything stable about the message of the song, so maybe the rhymes should be imperfect? Maybe not. The person is not weeping and wailing and carrying on about the situation as if life were not worth living.

Man, I'm getting too wordy. I'm trying to say the song is mostly unstable and the theme is mostly unstable because the person wants something s/he can't have. There's a little bit of stability in the structure which could imply the person is okay with the situation, understanding s/he can't have it but life is still good. Does that make sense? It would help to be able to hear it....

And I missed something the first time through. There are TWO stable elements in the song. The AABB rhyme scheme in the chorus, AND the even four lines for each verse and chorus. Consistent numbers of lines, especially an even four, are stable.

Lazernaut

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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2021, 02:11:08 PM »
Hadn't seen your message until now. I wasn't sure whether to post the song as I didn't want it to seem like I was fishing for streams. That said, I can see how it would be essential from an analytic standpoint. What is this forum's stance on that?
In any case, You triggered a lot of memories for me. I did take like ½ a course on songwriting with Pat online and you reminded me of a whole bunch of things I'd forgotten about.
@CaliaMoko

rightly

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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2021, 03:11:09 PM »
written lyrics
somehow come across as timid
it has something

I always steer well clear of gonna and wanna

to have explorer at heart (which is nice)
then wanna... I never like that
wanna erases anything before or after
I find if a young person sings it
sounds like he's trying to be cute
an older person sounds like he's seeing if he can still get away with it.
best not to use it at all
It's either this or that, then again it might be the other. 

I can promise you a future of slow decline.

And there you have it. 

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CaliaMoko

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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2021, 06:08:09 PM »
Hadn't seen your message until now. I wasn't sure whether to post the song as I didn't want it to seem like I was fishing for streams. That said, I can see how it would be essential from an analytic standpoint. What is this forum's stance on that?

Typically, when posting only lyrics, you go to the "Lyrics" board. When posting a complete song--lyrics and a link to a recording, you would more likely put it in "Finished Songs". And it's fine to do that.