[Melina]

! as per the rules, this song has a bad word towards the end, I've censored it but it's there regardless !

I've been writing basically every day since the start of this month, I kinda feel like I'm writing too much lol
But this one jumped out last night and I honestly quite like it! I have a few lines I want to change though, or just that I'm not sure about (I will underline them) and I'd love some suggestions, because my brain just isn't doing it right now. This one's a bit more structured and will probably make sense for the most part even without the tune. Lemme know what you think! I'm also not set on the title so if you have better ideas I'm very open to hear them.


i didn't cry today
i tried to hang on to the thought
that we might survive the wave
and i won't have to kill you first

i wore my own clothes today
and left your jacket on the chair
i may not have it by next month
so i just wanna be prepared

i ignore every message that i've ever received
and i want you to see me for what i could've been
while i'm too busy hurting to remember your hands
i have nothing to say so i'll just sing it instead

were you in denial today?
could you believe i told you that?
or maybe you hoped and prayed
that, come december, i'll be back

what did your best friend say?
bet he thinks you should cut me loose
i may have made your heart take aim
but someone else could do that, too

i ignore all the pressure that i've put on myself
and i'm not sure i want you but i want nobody else/but i don't want no one else
while i'm too busy grieving our picket fence love
there is nothing to tell you, so i write you this song

(and you didn't know, but)
i'd gotten you this book, been about 4 weeks now
and i wanted you to have it but then all this sh*t went down
now it's sitting on my nightstand, this is irony for sure
it is sitting on my nightstand when it should be on yours

i didn't cry today
though i admit, i did get close
should i keep fighting
or should i mark this as a loss

i ignore every answer that i've ever received
and i look at myself but i don't see/know what you see
i am too busy brooding cause i don't understand
why the hell i can't love you without holding your hand

do you recall the day
it hit you like a wall of ice
it was a sordid fate
but i reckon it felt nice

[CaliaMoko]

Very clear story line all the way through, easy to follow. I really like that! Your topic is definitely an unstable theme and your use of imperfect rhymes supports that beautifully. Interestingly, your rhyme patterns vary from ABAB to ABCB to AABB. There might be one more...

At the moment this reads more like a poem to me. I don't see a clear song structure to it. You've divided it into four-line sections, but there's no clear verses and choruses, and the rhythm from section to section tends to vary quite a bit. I don't see a chorus at all, although I think the "I wore my own clothes today" section would make an interesting chorus. And I also think "I Wore My Own Clothes Today" might make a good title.

One of your underlined bits (it hit you like a wall of ice). If you changed another word, you could have something like

It hit you like a heavy weight / But I reckon it felt great

All these remarks, of course, are based on my own opinions and I am far from an expert, so use whatever works for you and ignore the rest.

[hardtwistmusic]

Suggestions and comments: 


i didn't cry today
i tried to hang on to the thought
that we might survive the wave
and i won't have to kill you first    --   Talk about starting with a 'bang.'  This is really strong. 

i wore my own clothes today
and left your jacket on the chair
i may not have it by next month
so i just wanna be prepared   --   Not quite as strong, but then it can't stay that strong throughout.  Allows the reader/listener to rest just a little.

i ignore every message that i've ever received
and i want you to see me for what i could've been
while i'm too busy hurting to remember your hands
i have nothing to say so i'll just sing it instead

were you in denial today?
could you believe i told you that?
or maybe you hoped and prayed
that, come december, i'll be back   --- Another really strong stanza. 

what did your best friend say?
bet he thinks you should cut me loose
i may have made your heart take aim
but someone else could do that, too      --   And another good strong stanza. 

i ignore all the pressure that i've put on myself
and i'm not sure i want you but i want nobody else/but i don't want no one else   --  (I would suggest going in the direction of "I want no one else to have you" in this location.  Somehow, it rings a little truer to my own experiences and observations through the years.)
while i'm too busy grieving our picket fence love
there is nothing to tell you, so i write you this song

(and you didn't know, but)
i'd gotten you this book, been about 4 weeks now
and i wanted you to have it but then all this sh*t went down
now it's sitting on my nightstand, this is irony for sure
it is sitting on my nightstand when it should be on yours   --  I'm not sure this stanza adds enough to make it worth the extra length.  It's already a little long.

i didn't cry today
though i admit, i did get close
should i keep fighting
or should i mark this as a loss  --   Back to the really strong stanzas. This might be the best one.

i ignore every answer that i've ever received
and i look at myself but i don't can't see/know what you see
i am too busy brooding cause i don't understand
why the hell i can't I love you without holding your hand

do you recall the day
it hit you like a wall of ice
it was a sordid fate  --  (an ugly twist of fate)
but i reckon it felt nice

This is very powerful, and does not need the music to help carry the burden.  VERY GOOD imho. I would recommend some very careful 'addition by subtraction.'   If it could still say essentially the same thing with fewer words, it would improve.  BUT carefully.  More time should be spent on cutting things out than on writing in my opinion.  It's very hard to know what's essential, and what is not.