Eugene (extremely rough draft lol)

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Melina

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« on: November 10, 2020, 02:47:05 AM »
https://soundcloud.com/melinidion/eugene-rough-draft

I'm in the process of writing this song and I feel like something is missing, maybe a bridge or something, I can't quite place it. It is wordyyyyyy so be warned lol. Whatever is missing is gonna have to be short and sweet, because the song's already a bit big.

This song is about an imaginary person called Eugene. The narrator and Eugene used to be good friends back in highschool, they had some shared hardships, and slowly drifted apart because they graduated and life happened. I'm trying to get this vibe of nostalgia and reminiscing about your hometown and your old dreams, while also reflecting on your relationship with a person who was once very important to you. It's like a profile of Eugene and what he's like, what his goals were, where he feels he is at currently in his life. I also decided to take inspiration from the actual city of Eugene in Oregon, which is super weird because I've never been anywhere near the US lol, so there are some allusions to this city throughout the song. I'm mostly set on the melody, but I have some doubts about the chords. This won't be recorded any time soon, so I just want to perfect it for myself. Please ignore the bad quality of the audio sample, I only recorded it to post it here (and that horribe page turn halfway through the song, oops). Let me know what yall think!


You haven't been yourself since we were 17, Eugene
And you turned 24 in the fall but nothing's changed at all
You stumble when you walk and they don't let you talk, Eugene
So you just listen close and hope somebody notices
It's almost that season, the allergies are killing you
And still you insisted we jump into the river semi-nude

Say, Eugene, when you begged to leave the city did it shock you
that your sadness followed and the winter caught up?
Oh, Eugene, you haven't been yourself since we were 17
and neither have I
I just hope you tell your sisters I said hi


Recall your part-time job at the coffee shop, Eugene
Everytime I'd stop by you'd treat me to some jasmine tea
You said it won't be long until the city hears your song, Eugene
Till then you'd store your dreams in those fancy milkshake glasses
You colleague would glare when you'd proudly declare
you'd be out of that place by next spring
She told me one time, "that boy doesn't know how good he has it"

And you pretend to know, you're a strong contender
Cut up all your fears and throw them in the blender
Bottoms up, Eugene
I'll catch you at the market again
We'll shoot some awkward glances at each other and miss the target

Say, Eugene, how naive to think it was beyond us
that our sadness would haunt us and the snow would turn to sand
Oh, Eugene, if there just one thing I should have told you
I dreaded that I would hold you
And you'd burst like a bomb in my hands

alcapone_dudu

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« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2020, 02:15:06 AM »
Hey Melina. Thanks for sharing your song with us.

First of all, I really liked your voice. It's very comfortable to listen to.

I personally found it good the way it is. It's shame I can not hear it very clear but if you could send us something with a better quality would help. Anyway, I think you already have it whatever it is that you are looking for.


bigFishAndTheSmallPondets

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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2020, 11:08:24 PM »
You really have a great voice. It reminds very slightly of Karen Carpenter (just her voice). I'm not suggesting the song you have written sounds like the Carpenters.

The song to me sounds complete. I would not say there is anything missing.

To me it sounds wistful. It sounds as though you are reflecting on the hopes and dreams Eugene once had and comparing them to the way things turned out for him. I guess that is something we can all relate to.

A great song as it stands, I think. Sometimes it is hard to make the decision to put the pen down and declare the song to be finished. Well done.

AdamHarkus

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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2020, 09:21:31 PM »
@Melina  I wouldn't worry too much about the structure at this stage... EVERY song sounds a little samey at this stage when it's just you and an acoustic.

You've already solved the biggest headache in that you've got a great voice! A lot of us struggle with that one.

My advice would be to progress with it as is, break it up with instrumentation rather than changing the actual structure at this point, you never know where the recording process will take you.

... and if you're still not happy? Well, it's your song, change it up, that's all part of the fun!

For me I like it, it's got a haunting quality to it that reminds me of the soundtrack to one of my favourite films
Specifically, Joan Baez 'Rejoice in the Sun' - Silent Running

Lastly, I admire you for having the guts to put it out there in this raw format. That says to me you have confidence in it, so that, along with the voice, means you've already ticked two massive songwriting boxes already.

Thanks for sharing. Really good piece of songwriting.

The Blogging Musician @ https://adamharkus.com

ChrisPrice

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« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2020, 02:48:49 AM »
@Melina
I think this is a clever song. Great lyrics and a fine voice. It could maybe do with a bit of light and shade but this may happen if you are thinking of adding other instruments as you develop it. I'm aware that it's work in progress so I mustn't fault the arrangement at this stage. I don't think there's anything missing as such. I really like it. :)

BassPlayerPete

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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2020, 10:18:24 PM »
@Melina

I really like this track - there are so many interesting facets. The verse melody is great, I love the timing and emphasis on certain words, the lyrics throughout are earcatching, and the 1st verse lyrics set the scene/story perfectly. I would say though that the sections could do with a little more definition.

The 1st verse and 1st bridge (pre chorus) are pretty obvious, but for me, the chorus (assuming the section in italics is the chorus) doesn't quite lift enough.

From the start of the second verse, the song seems to meander along with differing length sections and a different format, so it confuses the listener.

If it were me, I'd re-write the chorus to lift more and follow the ABC ABC format. You can use the 'pretend to know...' section as a M8 too.

I really do like the parts I like and there is huge potential for this song. I also think you have a great voice for this song. Hey, I even liked the page turn!

Good job, well done!

BPP

simonjol

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« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2020, 06:53:05 PM »
@Melina

A gem in the making here. very nice structure, perhaps a change in momentum would be good to create some light and shade? The song feels it could be arranged in more of a 'journey' with shifts between elegant space and more intensity of emotion. Just a thought, it's got loads of possibilities and potential in any case.