[Melina]

So my relationship is falling apart and I am BROKEN, so I wrote this a couple of days ago. Lemme know what you think! I'll probably also post the audio version on the finished songs subforum once I am completely happy with the melody. (:


I went home that night
and I found one of your hairs on my shawl
I have to decide
if I need to be happy and if happy looks like alone
I promised I'd stay
but disastrous days mean that I'm not so sold anymore

You said you won't pretend that you won't miss me
But you will not pretend that you can't live
But both of us deserve someone who gets it
and maybe that is neither you nor me

I looked at you face
in a dream I had where the Earth was blown to bits
I'm called to decide
if it's you I wanna be looking at when the meteor hits
At my best, I guess I tried
to find an otherness that really fits
And I thought it was yours but I guess that was more of a miss

You said you won't pretend that it won't break you
If I take that step and launch you to the void
But I cannot remember how it felt to know for sure
I'm dreading every choice

You said you won't pretend it wouldn't crush you
If I opened up the door into the dark
But I can't seem to summon what was once inside me
I don't profess to understand my heart

Freezing days,
your neck buried in my scarf
Distant trace,
on my way to where you are
Love prevails,
except for when the ties are felled
Then love turns tail
Keep all your caring to yourself

I need to decide
If I need your assurance more than I value my own
I know that goodbye would be final
You think that it's pointless to call
I'm under my bed
counting times I yelled "bullseye" while being nowhere near the mark

I wanted to feel like I felt when you kissed me in the park

[hardtwistmusic]

I suspect that it's one of those lyrics that doesn't really become what it can be until the music is added.  I think it will either live or die  --  blossom, or wither  --   with the music.  It doesn't say much to me on paper without the music, but that's not rare.  I think it has great potential. 
I hope to hear it when the music is done. 

And, don't be discouraged if it doesn't get a lot of responses.  The forum has been kind of oblivious to the lyrics section for a while now.  These things run in cycles, and the lyrics section is in a bit of a 'down cycle' right now.  If/when you post to the finished songs section, you'll get way more attention.

[Melina]

You are definitely right, the music does tie it all together in a way that the lyrics alone don't show. I'm not set on some chords and plucking patterns, but when I do make up my mind I will make sure to post the finished version (at least, as finished as I can make it sound with just my phone). I really appreciate the feedback, thank you! Just posting is kind of a motivation in itself regardless of replies, but it is most definitely encouraging to hear back! (:

[adamfarr]

Hi - I was drawn to this by the title as I also had a song a while back called The Meteor (totally different).

But I am glad I stayed as there are so many good lines here especially in the verses. I found the choruses to be not so instant - with those double negatives it might take the listener a moment to get the meaning (though I am sloooooow on those things...)

It sounds like it's well on the way to being finished - but if any room for manoeuvre I might consider taking verse 2 and shaping that into the chorus - for me it's super-strong and memorable.

Anyhow, just a thought, and I will definitely look forward to hearing the finished article.

[CaliaMoko]

You do better than I do with imagery, in my opinion. The hair on the shawl...yes! Earth blown to bits. Neck buried in my scarf. Instant, clear pictures in my mind. Very good.

I think the lyric could use a little "tightening". For instance, you use the word "that" a lot. Try leaving out "that" to see if the lines work without it. Just doing that ( ) would tighten it some. Of course, you do need a few of them or there are bits that wouldn't make sense.

At this point it feels more like poetry to me. Almost like free verse, as there is little rhyme and I can't get into a rhythm when I read it. You have music for it already, it sounds like, so hearing it would probably help me get into the rhythm of it.

[MrBouzouki]

Hi @Mella ...
                  a few ideas, not really critical, more things to think about perhaps as alternatives :-)   
Hope it helps a bit.             

I went home that night
and I found one of your hairs on my shawl (good imagery)
I have to decide
if I need to be happy and if happy looks like alone (how about WANT to be happy ?)
I promised I'd stay
but disastrous days mean that I'm not so sold anymore (I'm not sure what you are saying here ?)

You said you won't pretend that you won't miss me
But you will not pretend that you can't live
But both of us deserve someone who gets it (Perhaps lose the But on this line and start with BOTH ?)
and maybe that is neither you nor me

...

You said you won't pretend that it won't break you
If I take that step and launch you to the void
But I cannot remember how it felt to know for sure (I feel CAN'T works better for the metre at this point than cannot)
I'm dreading every choice

....

You said you won't pretend it wouldn't crush you
If I opened up the door into the dark
But I can't seem to summon what was once inside me (This time it feels like CANNOT seems to works better for the metre than Can't :-) )
I don't profess to understand my heart

[rightly]

there's a whole lot to like here
it'll be fabulous if it gets realised as a song!