Mississippi Moon

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CaliaMoko

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« on: September 03, 2020, 10:01:45 AM »
I'm working on this for a local challenge. The lyrics are mostly done, but I'd like any ideas for improvements you might have. The melody is mostly done, too, but I'm still working on that and on getting a demo ready to post. I'd like to use the best lyrics I can manage when I do that, so...here's what I have. The title, by the way, is required by the challenge terms.

I don't have a bridge (yet). I think it could use one. I'd like the singer wonder what would have happened if she had gone...how would her life be different now? If at all. But I haven't figured out how to get that in there so far.

And lines that feel to me like they need work: "maybe sing some tunes". And much of the "I shook my head" verse.


MISSISSIPPI MOON

"Come with me; let’s go to Mississippi."
His eyes were bright; his smile tight with hope
"You can even leave me when we get there. 
I just need someone to help me go."

"If I don’t go," he said, I never will.   
I’ll have a wife, some and kids, I'll use an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled. 
I really want to go, come with me please."

CHORUS
Let’s go down to Mississippi;
We'll watch the stars at night and maybe sing some tunes and share a point of view
Let’s go down to Mississippi,
Where we can sleep beneath the Mississippi Moon

I shook my head; "What would my mama say?
If I took off and ran away with you.
What about school? I would get bad grades.
Would I ever even dare come back?

If I took off and ran away with you?
And what about your bride, what about your wedding day?
And me, I really have to stay in school.


"If I don’t go," he said, I never will.   
I’ll have a wife, some and kids, I'll use an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled. 
I really want to go, come with me please."

CHORUS

BRIDGE MAYBE?
I can't help but wonder
how my life would be
Oh, would my life have turned out very differently
If I had dared to follow my Romeo?


CHORUS


(c) 2020 Vicki Morrison Goble
« Last Edit: September 04, 2020, 10:36:28 AM by CaliaMoko »

5 guys named Lars

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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2020, 05:18:27 PM »
Very interesting to get an insight into your work process @CaliaMoko . I want to know why he wants to go to Mississippi and this could be done in the bridge. Is it the mountains, a girl, a funeral, ice cream, snakes? and then 1.give it a twist and 2. tidy a couple of the lines so they allude to why. Having said that it's also a great option to keep it vague and keep the listener guessing. Looking forward to hearing where you take it.  :)
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hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2020, 08:05:44 AM »
MY SUGGESTIONS: 


MISSISSIPPI MOON

"Come with me he said; let’s go down to Mississippi."
His eyes were bright; his smile tight with hope This sounds awkward - too many syllables, but I don't know your music, so it might not be. 
"You can even leave me when we get there. 
I just need someone to help me go."

He said, "If I don’t go now," he said I never will.   
I’ll have a wife, some kids, an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled. 
I really want to go, come with me please."

CHORUS
Let’s go down to Mississippi;
Watch the stars at night and maybe sing some tunes
Let’s go down to Mississippi,
Where We can sleep beneath the Mississippi Moon

I shook my head; "What would my mama say?
If I took off and ran away with you?
And what about your bride, your wedding day?
And I just really have to stay in school.


He said "If I don’t go now," he said, I never will.   
I’ll have a wife, some kids, an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled. 
I really want to go, come with me please."

CHORUS

BRIDGE MAYBE?
I can't help but wonder
how would my life have been
If I had dropped everything that day so long ago
If I had run away with him


CHORUS[/size]

I too want to know "why Mississippi."  I've lived in Mississippi, and it's really not viewed by many as a place of possibilities and opportunities.  Not often seen as a place to 'run to,' without a plan or a darned good reason.   

The place of opportunity isn't in that region isn't 'down TO Mississippi,' it's 'Down THE Mississippi,' in New Orleans.  Still the Mississippi Moon, and only a few words would have to change.  Right now, unless I know what opportunity awaits this guy in Mississippi that he can't face alone, it doesn't 'ring true' to me.  All the reasons I can think of that fit the 'run away to Mississippi' concept wouldn't need someone to go along.  "Back to Mississippi" might work, but he wouldn't need company to do that.  A job or other concrete opportunity awaiting him?  Still something he can do alone. 
« Last Edit: September 04, 2020, 08:35:10 AM by hardtwistmusic »
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CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2020, 05:15:47 AM »
First, to answer the question: Why does he want to go to Mississippi??? I confess I would never have written this song on my own volition. The Minnesota Association of Songwriters is running a challenge: Write a song with the title "Mississippi Moon" and include a specific chord progression (I - V - vi - I - ii) somewhere in the song. I was pretty stumped at first. I know nothing about Mississippi (the state) and was considering writing something about the moon shining on the Mississippi River. But then I came up with the idea of a young man, about to get married, having the clichéd cold feet shortly before the wedding, going to an old girlfriend and asking her to run away with him. Would such a person choose Mississippi as his destination? I don't know, but this one had to, because that song title was required.

Next, thank you for the feedback and suggestions @5 guys named Lars and @hardtwistmusic . I don't know if I've been very successful at explaining "why" in the song, but I did incorporate some of the lyric recommendations. Here is the latest version of the words. I've refined the bridge a little, but it still needs a lot of work. I'm trying to figure out a descriptive or metaphorical way to have the singer reflect on her choice and what might have been. No real luck with that so far.

I do have a melody now, though--again--the bridge needs work, I think. I know this is a lyric thread, but if you want to hear how it might sound, listen here:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/mississippi-moon-rough-demo/s-4SmYh4S5YMA

It is very, very rough, so try to ignore the production, please.

REVISED LYRICS

“Come with me” he said; “let’s go to Mississippi. “
His eyes were bright; his smile tight with hope
“You can even leave me when we get there.
I just need someone to help me go.

PRE-CHORUS
If I don’t go now,” he said, “I never will.   
I’ll have a wife and kids; I’ll use an office key.
My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled.   
I really want to go, come with me please.

CHORUS
Let’s go down to Mississippi;
Watch the stars at night and share a point of view
Let’s go down to Mississippi,
Where we can sleep beneath the Mississippi Moon.”

I shook my head; “What would my mama say
if I took off and ran away with you?
And what about your bride; what about your wedding day?
And me, I really have to stay in school.”

PRE-CHORUS

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I can’t help but wonder how my life would be
if I had made another choice that day so long ago
Oh would my life have turned out very differently
If I had dared to follow my Romeo?

CHORUS
« Last Edit: September 09, 2020, 09:33:35 AM by CaliaMoko »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2020, 09:39:38 AM »
I'm closing this thread because I have finished (maybe) the song and have posted it in Finished Songs (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=17832).