Songwriter Forum > Feedback on Finished songs
Tailspin
simonjol:
Hi everyone I just joined up here to hopefully find other songwriting folk and get involved. I have written and recorded over the years mainly as a solo creative release, a diary almost if that makes sense? :)
This is a little thing I have had in my head for quite a while, recorded it while in lockdown, just a bit of fun really, i thought i'd like to share it for some feedback anyways.
https://soundcloud.com/simon-jolly-432790989
Tailspin
Verse 1
Another day to be
Someone you'd rather forget
Let's get away from here
Another place to be
you turn it on it's head
Let's get away from here
You look nice in that dress
Like rolling meadows yes
Let's go put on our best gear
We got it all aint we?
Come on you look good to me
Let's get right away from here
Chorus
I will be your pilot
All the lights are clear
You burn me up
You light the fuse
Verse 2
Feel a blue fly tickle
It's just the sound of birdsong
Strollin in the park
We won't be here when it's dark
Listening to the sound of birdsong
Sitting on a golden chair
In your underwear
Swaying to the sound of the ocean
Catch your breath as we're
Bypassing light years
It's just the sound of the ocean
Chorus
I will be your pilot
All the lights are clear
You burn me up
You light the fuse
I will be your pilot
All the lights are clear
Turn in flight
Turn the world
That's what you do
You light the fuse
Doesn't matter where we go
Every time you're near
You light the fuse
You got me
100 miles
100 miles
You light the fuse
Unclenny:
Very cool tune @simonjol . I love how the bass moves it along relentlessly and how that electric guitar sneaks in.
Really nice arrangement . This whole thing just works for me......got some serious funk happening! Kind of Prince-esque. I can see Sheila E on those drums. 8)
simonjol:
hey thanks! that's very kind!, really glad you like.
I do love the earlier prince stuff and i was a big wendy and lisa fan too. Oh hell yea Sheila she is amazing. :)
cowparsleyman:
@simonjol - Welcome to the Forum, first I love the title, really intriguing...yeah I can hear Wendy and Lisa too in this. lots of lovely guitar, that so missing from songs these days, maybe hold back a tad, so it's more of a feature, also maybe rather than jamming riifs, try and repeat some of the hooks in the Vocal melody...just an idea?
Found the Lead Vocal a little back in the mix...Nice work on the Brass near the end
Great ideas.
simonjol:
hey cowparsleyman thanks for the feedback, yes agree probably a bit too full on with guitars i will try some other mixes i think you are right.
The plan for the song is to do it as a male / female duet which is where i need a strong female voice in the chorus. Beverley Knightesque soul rock style.
Need to find such a vocalist however haha
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