[Lophophora]

Hey everyone,

This is my first post here. I am primarily a music producer and audio engineer, not a songwriter. But every few years or so I feel the need to do something of my own. The music on this one is already done. It is a soft rock song, with a twist of jazz/funk. Verse 3 is rapped, not sang. The song is about someone struggling with anger management in his love relationship. Before verse 3 is an instrumental part with a guitar solo.

Please let me know your thoughts!

Twisting the Knife

Verse 1
Oh when you’re seeing my sorrow
Oh don’t you say it’s right, no don’t twist the knife
You know I long for tomorrow
I wish you understood that I’m not doing good

Chorus
Aah you got me spinning around
Aah stop teasing me it’s only wearing me down

Verse 2
And as the anger invades me
I’m using all my strength to resist my instinct
But I already know the story
It’s like a hurricane that’ll blow my brains

Chorus
Aah no way I’m winning this round
Aah stop hounding me it’s only wearing me down

Verse 3
Catch me on the move, I’m still thinking ‘bout you
Hara Kiri’d out my organs, deforming this brown dude
And left a vacuum, but who verbalises profound truth
Stands electrified, humming the tone of a ground loop

We vibrate, penetrated by memories we debate
How to shape a liquid metal but only in retrograde
We are elements combining and breaking up on a page
The pull of a bond stays once you’ve tangled your waves

It goes...

[pompeyjazz]

Hi @Lophophora and welcome to the forum. Are you looking for feedback just on the lyrics at the moment. I am intrigued by your description of the music and it would be great to hear what you have musically to see if the lyrics fit. It's a friendly place so please feel free to jump in and participate 

[Lophophora]

Hi @pompeyjazz and thanks for the welcome!

Yes I am only looking for feedback on the lyrics because the music is mostly done, already. A few changes can be made but the structure, harmonies and general sound is pretty much final.

The rap has been written by the rapper and the rest by me. I am not a native speaker so don't hesitate to let me know if anything sounds awkward or just not good.

I have a demo of the song that you can listen (the final product is currently being recorded). The demo is missing the guitar solo (before verse 3) and the rap. It also has older lyrics which I have slightly modified, but here it is anyway:

https://soundcloud.com/jean-marc-boulier/ttk-demo-03/s-Rf4mqvJEXZI

By the way, I believe that your name is John and that our paths crossed already, on a French musicians board. 

[pompeyjazz]

Ah ! The track is not there !!

Yes, I am John - Good to have you on board 

[Lophophora]

Thanks! I fixed the link, sorry about that.

[Binladeda]

 Well I've listened to it . and I think it's fab.....very pro sounding.  The lyrics sound fine to me. I would keep 'story' instead of 'outcome', and leave the chorus as sung in the demo, rather than what's written....but that's just what I would do .  It sound fantastic as it is...love the jazzy synth, and your vocal style/character is perfect for it
Really enjoyed it

 Welcome

[pompeyjazz]

Hi @Lophophora This is a really pro sounding demo you have here. It's a fascinating fusion of acoustic rock and jazz funk. Like Bin, I love those funky synths. Lyric wise, it all seems to gel together very well. V3 is pretty obtuse but I like obtuse. Make sure that you share the final version with us. Top quality work 

[Lophophora]

Thank you so much @Binladeda and @pompeyjazz! I will record the vocals sometime this week and wrap this up soon and I'll come back here to post the final result.

[rightly]

I thought I'd already commented here...
I read the lyrics and really liked them.
I'm looking forward to hearing the track
If it's jazz rock I'll probably like it.