Dark Cloud (Demo)

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Phoenixazaria

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« on: June 01, 2020, 10:45:44 PM »
Hello, I hope you're all doing good. I'm looking for some feedback on a song I wrote...


Lyrics:
Oh, I put you first over everyone
what thanks did I get? You gave me none.
I gave it up, had nothing
You never gave, just took from me.

You are wayward, you are lost
You have no respect, but you have got
Issues and they're not my fault
Your troubles are what you have caused

You're an hurricane, just tearing down
You're a f*****g mess, with a body count
I tried to help you, but I think
Its someone else's turn to deal with it

Your life's been hard, trust me I know
I've been there too, but I don't go
To the dark places that you do
I'm not the same, but I've suffered too

That mouth of yours is nasty,
Its sad because you just can't see,
The trouble you cause by being bad,
and you take that as a compliment.

You are wayward, you are lost
You have no respect, but you have got
Issues and they're not my fault
Your troubles are what you have caused

You're an hurricane, just tearing down
You're a f*****g mess, with a body count
I tried to help you, but I think
Its someone else's turn to deal with it

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2020, 03:04:06 AM »
I think you have a strong lyric. I listened a couple times and read through it, and it seems tight without a lot of extra words. The thoughts flow smoothly as I read it. I find the words are often the weak spot in some songs, but yours, in my opinion, is good.

Room for improvement
1. Production--this is definitely not my area, but it seems to me the voice isn't mixed in well with the accompaniment. It seems to be way out in front and separate. It could just be my ears, too.

2. Prosody--I'm a big fan of prosody, so I really look for melody complementing the words. I noticed a couple things. In a few cases, a single phrase was split by a line ending so it came out (for instance) "You have no respect, but you have got. Issues and they're not my fault." I would find a way to blend those two lines together so they sound like the single sentence they are. A couple other similar instances: "...I think. It's someone else's turn..." and "...but I don't go. To the dark places..."

The other prosody type of bit I noticed was the rhythm of "It's someone else's turn..."  It sounded a little bumpy and jerky as is, but I don't think you would have much trouble smoothing that out. It will all fit nicely; I tried it.

Keep in mind all these comments are just my opinions and you should feel free to use them or lose them as suits you. I hope you find something helpful here.

A final note. I think your melody suits the topic of the song. Almost like a dirge, which is proper, as you're reporting the death of a relationship. And the chorus lifted a little for contrast, but not too much.

Oh, I almost forgot. Your rhyme scheme is perfect for this song. The theme is very unstable and a lot of your rhymes were "near" rhymes, which supports that. I really liked the pairing of "nothing" with "me", "fault" with "caused", "down" with "count", "think" with "it". Nice job.

Vicki

Phoenixazaria

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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2020, 06:05:27 PM »
I think you have a strong lyric. I listened a couple times and read through it, and it seems tight without a lot of extra words. The thoughts flow smoothly as I read it. I find the words are often the weak spot in some songs, but yours, in my opinion, is good.

Room for improvement
1. Production--this is definitely not my area, but it seems to me the voice isn't mixed in well with the accompaniment. It seems to be way out in front and separate. It could just be my ears, too.

2. Prosody--I'm a big fan of prosody, so I really look for melody complementing the words. I noticed a couple things. In a few cases, a single phrase was split by a line ending so it came out (for instance) "You have no respect, but you have got. Issues and they're not my fault." I would find a way to blend those two lines together so they sound like the single sentence they are. A couple other similar instances: "...I think. It's someone else's turn..." and "...but I don't go. To the dark places..."

The other prosody type of bit I noticed was the rhythm of "It's someone else's turn..."  It sounded a little bumpy and jerky as is, but I don't think you would have much trouble smoothing that out. It will all fit nicely; I tried it.

Keep in mind all these comments are just my opinions and you should feel free to use them or lose them as suits you. I hope you find something helpful here.

A final note. I think your melody suits the topic of the song. Almost like a dirge, which is proper, as you're reporting the death of a relationship. And the chorus lifted a little for contrast, but not too much.

Oh, I almost forgot. Your rhyme scheme is perfect for this song. The theme is very unstable and a lot of your rhymes were "near" rhymes, which supports that. I really liked the pairing of "nothing" with "me", "fault" with "caused", "down" with "count", "think" with "it". Nice job.

Vicki

Thank you so much for your feedback. Production definitely isn't my strong suit either and since I produced it myself what you said makes sense.

DFT

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« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2020, 12:27:50 AM »
Hi there,

I like the whole spirit of the lyrics.
You definitely have a message, and that's critical for a song.

All in all, these are some very good verses. I'd love to hear more variety in the melody and chords.

It would be great to have a chorus and a bridge as well. I mean if any of those verses was the chorus, then it needs some variation so we could tell it apart.

p.s. Just trying to help. Sorry if any of this offended you.

Arthur_Satine

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« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2020, 01:25:23 AM »
I fell in love with the voice ... The song is beautiful, I would like to produce it