[Jay Davies 98]

Hey all. New user here. These are some lyrics I wrote the other day. I look forward to seeing your responses and thoughts. Thank you for your time.
..............................................................
I will admit that I am not the best guy I can be...
I will admit that I can find several ways to change and see...
And I will admit that I'm crap at resisting temptation.
All my wrongs in this world will come back as eternal damnation...
All my wrongs I commit, that's my Karma in the making...
But why is it only the bad sides that they criticize?
Why is it only the bad times that I've... Heard, glued in a loop
All they do is ridicule you... You could've done this and you could've done that.
Well I didn't now and it's too late now to go back!
I get angry at myself, I get angry at the anger...
I despise the damage.. I despise the panic...I despise your eyes when they're red God damn it.
From crying or being high man? You can choose I'm done deciding what to do with my life when,
Ninety nine percent, I'm not right and yet...
It's my anxiety inside of this head.
It's my memories of when...Back to a time when, When I felt alive.
When I had my Hailie starring into my eyes, so pure, so divine.
And my best friend Sandy by my side. Partners in crime, no one denied,
And I know that the Universe still flows. I know that her energy is in my heart and soul.
But still you're not here and I can't hold you. You're not here and I can't hold you.
Dwelling on my wrongs and forget about the rights.
Like a crowd of wolves that bite...
Devouring all within its sight, Took my spirit and blew my mind...I wander what you could find.
Blew my conscience out of existence, Not a tad of resistance...
For they say I am not strong, inside of this skull something wrong...
I'm not wishing to be blessed upon, I just wish to be less withdrawn..
Feels like my sight and mind go blank, Then a thought will wake me up.
I listen and observe. Written and spoken words.
Am I flawed? The question was rhetorical. Of course I am.
I am negative and positive all rolled in 1. The Holy Spirit, The Father and The Son!
I am the Holy Trinity, that all was meant to be... But for now I guess...
There's not none left, For in my head. I am nothing but... Emptiness.
I wish less was said...But damn it I confess.. I'm far from best.
A hole inside my chest... A thousand times a million tears I've cried yes.
But how many times has he seen himself smile, A guess?
He would still be able to count it on both hands if he was fingerless...

[Sterix]

Hi Jay and welcome to the forum.

Firstly, is this a rap song? I only ask because it starts off with the first four lines rhyming but then it seems to lose it's rhyme (unless you look to cut sentences up, but even then...).

There's also a background feel of Linkin Park in the wording which kind of adds to the rap feel.

If it's not, there's nothing wrong with a song that doesn't rhyme (my favourite band often don't) but it does make it hard to follow the flow without any musical context.

So all I'm left with are the words themeselves. Like I said, Linkin-esque (I keep getting A Place For My Head in the back of my mind when I try to read it - more a feel than comparing the two). I like the semi-poetic nature of it. Does it have a title? Is it part or fully finished?

[hardtwistmusic]

Here are some suggested format changes that would make it easier for us to tell what you have here. 
..............................................................
I will admit that I am not the best guy I can be...
I will admit that I can find several ways to change and see...
And I will admit that I'm crap at resisting temptation.
All my wrongs in this world will come back as eternal damnation...

All my wrongs I commit, that's my Karma in the making...
But why is it only the bad sides that they criticize?
Why is it only the bad times that I've... Heard, glued in a loop
All they do is ridicule you... You could've done this and you could've done that.

Well I didn't now and it's too late now to go back!
I get angry at myself, I get angry at the anger...
I despise the damage.. I despise the panic...
I despise your eyes when they're red God damn it.
From crying or being high man? You can choose
I'm done deciding what to do with my life when,

Ninety nine percent, I'm not right and yet...
It's my anxiety inside of this head.
It's my memories of when...
Back to a time when, When I felt alive.
When I had my Hailie starring into my eyes,
so pure, so divine.

And my best friend Sandy by my side.
Partners in crime, no one denied,
And I know that the Universe still flows.
I know that her energy is in my heart and soul.

But still you're not here and I can't hold you.
You're not here and I can't hold you.
Dwelling on my wrongs and forget about the rights.
Like a crowd of wolves that bite... Devouring all within its sight,

Took my spirit and blew my mind...
I wander what you could find.

Blew my conscience out of existence, Not a tad of resistance...
For they say I am not strong, inside of this skull something wrong...

I'm not wishing to be blessed upon, I just wish to be less withdrawn..
Feels like my sight and mind go blank, Then a thought will wake me up.

I listen and observe. Written and spoken words.
Am I flawed? The question was rhetorical. Of course I am.

I am negative and positive all rolled in 1.
The Holy Spirit, The Father and The Son!
I am the Holy Trinity,
that all was meant to be...

But for now I guess...There's not none left,
For in my head. I am nothing but... Emptiness.

I wish less was said...But damn it I confess.. I'm far from best.
A hole inside my chest... A thousand times a million tears I've cried yes.
But how many times has he seen himself smile, A guess?
He would still be able to count it on both hands if he was fingerless...

That done, it becomes apparent to me that this is an overlong lyric. . . or actually multiple lyrics. There are far to many areas of focus for any one listener to identify with.  Make this a whole album of songs, each with it's own focus.  That's my suggestion. 

[CaliaMoko]

Welcome to the forum, Jay.

As hardtwistmusic said, this is overload for one song. He suggested separating it into several songs and making an album. I second that suggestion. In my opinion it would make a great concept album. Maybe pull catchy lines from the song and make them song titles and develop the ideas you have into songs for each title. I see several phrases I think would make intriguing titles:

My Karma in the Making
Resisting Temptation
Anxiety in my Head
Partners in Crime
Dwelling on My Wrongs
The Universe Still Flows
A Crowd of Wolves
or maybe...
Wolves That Bite
or even
Devouring Wolves
I am Negative and Positive
Hole in My Chest

...to name a few possibilities. One of them could even be the album title. Maybe "My Karma in the Making" or just "My Karma". Or possibly "The Universe Still Flows" or some variation of that. These are just ideas to show you how you can pull phrases from your lines and possibly make titles out of them.

So, I see a lot of lines and phrases that catch my interest, and I'd like to see some of those ideas developed more. The thoughts seem to ramble a bit; I'd like to see a more cohesive development of the thoughts in the song. Of course, then you'll have even more words--all the better to break it all up into a series of related songs.

Also, look at consistency. For instance, in the last few lines you suddenly change from "I" am this and "I" am not that, type of thing TO "has HE seen..." and "He would still", etc.

In another place you're talking about "her" and then she suddenly becomes "you". Things like that "break" the point of view and should be aligned to make it flow better.

I hope to see more of you around the boards! And I hope to see you post the next version of what you have here.

Vicki