[Andi]

Hi there,

i'm working on a new song and the music is nearly finished.
Because I'm not a native speaker, i'd love to hear some advice if the lines make sense to you (its not important that you get the actual meaning of it).
Just check if theres something very odd or just wrong.

Growing up inside 
Leave it all behind
Waiting for a light

Vers:

I left my comfort zone
to know and to be known

People asked me to
i did not choose to go
Walking step by step on a frozen pond

You learned the trick of saying no
A new horizon that eventually unfolds
shows a perfect state of love and being loved

Somebody throw this boy a line
its/ hes a victim of an interstellar fight
not knowing left from right


I start with "growing up inside" (should mean something like getting emotionally stronger)
Does that make sense in english?
Thanks in advance! I'm looking forward to share the finished song with you guys.

[Kim Noel]

Hey, the yrics do make sense, but you have also made the lyrics connect with emotion which is really nice, i really like it overall

[Andi]

Hey, the yrics do make sense, but you have also made the lyrics connect with emotion which is really nice, i really like it overall

Thank you so much for your reply! One last question:
Somebody throw this boy a line
its/ hes a victim of an interstellar fight
does "it's" and "he's" work both for this sentence or would you prefer he's?

[Kim Noel]

hey, i think that if you use He's it better as it makes more sense and fits in better to understand

[CaliaMoko]

I only have a couple minutes, so this will be brief.

You mentioned the idea behind the first line. I think it works as you intended, yes. I'm now looking at the second line, and it sounds too predictable and vague to me. I would prefer something more specific, such as "Leave my youth behind" or "Leave innocence behind" (although the rhythm probably won't work on that one). Something more precise or descriptive, if you can.

The other thing I noticed right off was the change in point of view. You start out with "I" and "me" (first person) and then change to "you" (second person) and then change again to "he", and "this boy" (third person). It's better to stay with one point of view unless you have a specific reason to change it.

One more area--I think you're using metaphors to illustrate the feelings and ideas in the lyric. If I'm right, you've mixed them a bit. Normally, a series of metaphors would be related somehow. You moved from a winter feeling ("frozen pond") to an outer space image ("interstellar flight"). If you want to keep your metaphors in sync, perhaps you could go with the outer space theme (I kinda like outer space better than winter ), you could use something like free falling in space or space walking in a risky environment somehow.

In answer to your question, my opinion is definitely "he's" rather than "it's".

Overall, I think you did quite well with the English phrasing and word usage. Good luck with it! And everything I write is based on my opinions, which may be faulty, so take it with a grain of salt. Use anything you find worthwhile and trash the rest.

Vicki

[Andi]

thanks to all this was really helpful! love the people in this forum!

[hardtwistmusic]

"Step by step on a frozen pond" (not sure that's an accurate quote) is an extremely powerful metaphor, and it could be vastly expanded.  It's a wonderful focal point.  Think of other song titles that could be mined for content. 

Jethro Tull's "On the thin ice of a new day." 
Can't think of the country artist who wrote it, but "slippin and slidin."
Van Morrison also utilized the "slipping and sliding" metaphor in a song. 

Do some research if you want more.  This is an incredibly rich vein for a songwriter to explore, and you already have the entry point.

 

[seriousfun]

I am with Vicki with the regards to changing the point of view. IMHO I would stick with first person all the way through or its confusing.  It only requires a few small changes and instantly solves your dilemma with the it's/he's question.  So to be specific I would use the following lines...

you learned the trick of saying no
I learned the trick of saying no



its/ hes a victim of an interstellar fight
I'm a victim of an interstellar fight


Hope that is of some help.
Its a nice thought provoking lyric that demands a few reads. Good work.