[Kim Noel]

Hey guys what do you think of these lyrics I've written, I would be glad for the feedback

Kim Noel - Days
V1:

I say up and you come across,

It’s only morning, I Don’t want to start an argument

I wake up, I see the difference in

The days that overflow with emotions

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

 

V2:

The whispers Call, the silent Calls back,

Each day I remember less about

The ones that I fall in love with

Hoping in the distance, i’ll find one truth

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

 

V3:

Midday comes and goes,

I stay silent before long I come

You say to me “hey whats up”

I smile, and wonder the ways we speak

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

 

V4:

The days seem so long

In comparison with fastest time

Each hour goes by, less human I feel

I wanna know why

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

 

V5:

The nights draw in, the feeling of despair

I gather the courage to see, and dream

As time goes by I want to see the days

Fall past, capture us in the moment.

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

 

V6:

Let’s say that the days are timeless

Gather the thoughts, im the past and presence,

Let’s get ready to go in the future days

I wanna know why,I feel this way

 

Chorus:

I fall asleep with fear in the eyes,

Scared of the feeling I miss,

I wish the days would stay the same

So I can dream the same dream.

[CaliaMoko]

The chorus feels strong to me. I would change one word in the first line and make it "I fall asleep with fear in my eyes", as "the eyes" feels really remote to me.

I'm confused by the verses, though, and it's likely just me being dense. I can't find a storyline to follow. At one point, I had the impression it was a metaphor for life, in general--with "I wake up" being early in life and "Midday comes and goes" as one's middle age of life, and "The nights draw in" as old age. But some of it doesn't seem to fit with that.

It also sounded a bit like it could be referring to a contentious relationship, evidenced by, for instance, "I don't want to start an argument" and "I fall asleep with fear in [my] eyes". But that leaves "extra" stuff that doesn't fit for me, either. Like I said, though, it could be just me.

You have some lines I really like:
"The days that overflow with emotions" (although, I would leave out "that", as it isn't necessary unless you need it for the rhythm)
"The whispers call, the silent calls back"

And a few others. You have a LOT of verses. I wonder if the lyrical ideas could be tightened up a bit so you could reduce the number of verses?

One other thing I noticed was, I have a hard time coming up with a consistent rhythm when I'm reading the lyric, which would make it challenging for me to set to music. It may be easier for others, though. Do you have a melody for this yet?

That's all I have. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinions and may not be accurate or "on point" at all. So, if anything clicks with you, great! If not, just ignore me.

Best of luck with this!

Vicki

[Kim Noel]

hey, thanks for the feedback, i appreciate it, im going to take on board some of your advice and change it, if you want to check out othr songs i wrote, u can check out my snapjam where i post the lyrics heres the link - https://www.snapjam.co/u/35JLARK5G4YS0/kimberley-noel