konalavadome

alone in this

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adamwolf

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« on: November 23, 2019, 12:35:42 AM »
Most of my songs are more on the acoustic rock side, and I can never really bring them to life the way I'd hope because I fail miserably whenever I try to write other tracks, be it lead guitar or a drum track.
So this is all I can do at the moment. I wanna know what stands out as good about this, and what stands out as bad or needs work? Vocals, guitar playing, lyrics, the song all in all, as much detail as you're willing to go because I don't think I can tell when it's me, I'm either too critical or the other way around and no in between.



lyrics:


I've got a burning soul
and the truth is
I'm all alone
alone in this


I asked for help but it's overrated
they're lies they sell and I hate it
just take this pill and you'll sedate it

but I'm still numb and suicidal
and it's the sun and it's my idols
there's no where to run
it is final

'cause I've got a burning soul
and the truth is
I'm all alone
alone in this


if it's flooding up, with me in a corner
then I can't keep up, & I built these borders
the gates are shut, they're my orders

but I will not speak, bare my soul
it's mine to keep, back away from the wall
I've declared defeat, I'll silently crawl

'cause everyday I rise, it gets duller
I close my eyes, try to remember colors
I lay to die, with no friend or a brother
 
I was born
destined for this
a wall of thorns
the dark of the abyss
no crown no throne
no star to miss
a wall around home
if that's what it is
& I am all alone
alone in this




I would be indebted to you forever if you gave me advice on how to work on my vocals. Also at the moment what are my biggest weaknesses? Being in tune? Lacking character? Lacking emotion? Lacking more technical stuff, I wanna know more specifically, what's good and what's bad right now, do I have potential and how do I get better?

and though we cry
we must stay alive
let my blood only run out
when my world decides
there is no way out
of your only life
so run on...
run on

Wicked Deeds

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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2019, 03:21:19 AM »
There is emotion in spades and that my friend, is your greatest strength. Your vocals are very appealing!.  In my opinion you do need a little guidance from a friendly ear or producer/writer. It would take a long time to thoroughly critique this work.  I am sorry hat I don't have the time to break this down for you but I know that if I did, It would be a fairly easy task to make suggestions on how to make your lyrics flow better and consequently have greater impact.  Be your own critic. You know how to improve your writing and maintain the integrity of your work.  I'm going back to the beginning, to reiterate, there is emotion in spades! Sometimes it's as helpful as any critique, to hear exactly that!

Paul
« Last Edit: November 23, 2019, 12:28:42 PM by Wicked Deeds »

Skub

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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2019, 11:39:31 PM »
Yo Adam.

I'll echo what Paul said,you have great potential. You already possess emotion and the ability to carry a song convincingly.

Keep writing and good things will happen.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2019, 01:38:11 AM »
What stands out for me is the intensity of your vocal. Expanding briefly on what Paul [Wicked Deeds] said, your lyric could flow better. For instance, your opening line is what I would call "choppy". If you could rework your first four lines so you could open with, say, something like "My burning soul", it's more immediate and has more impact than the wordier "I've got a burning soul". One idea for the first bit:

My burning soul
My sorrow lives
I'm all alone
Alone in this

Might not say what you want, but it might give you ideas. Actually, if I were writing this, I would try to avoid the line "alone in this" and come up with something else. So I might end up with something more like:

My burning soul
In sorrow cries
I needed help
They sold me lies

Of course, now we've lost the "alone in this" line and you need that for your hook. Plus, I've borrowed from the first verse. So let's look at the first verse. I think I can tell what you're saying easily enough, and I like the idea. Again, the lyric feels "choppy" to me, for lack of a better word. First, I feel like you used "but it's overrated" because you needed something to rhyme with "hate it". So, I have some ideas, but they're rough. Something like:

I looked for help; they got creative
Sold me lies, oh how I hate it
Gave me pills, want me sedated

The words aren't great, sorry, I'm rushing. But the rhythm flows a little better, so maybe it'll give you some ideas.

You asked for advice for working on your vocals. I would say just keep singing a lot. Record yourself and listen critically. For instance, sometimes you chop the ends off your words. This can be an effective device, but you might not want to use it all the time--only when you want the impact it provides. If you can afford a vocal coach, even for just a couple sessions, you could get a professional evaluation and ideas for ways to develop your voice.

That's about all I have time for, but maybe it'll get you started thinking about a new draft for your song. I think it has a LOT of potential and you should keep working on it. You can post updates here when you have them and we can have another crack at it.  ::) ;D

adamwolf

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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2019, 06:23:48 PM »
@Wicked Deeds I'm really glad the emotion comes across, thanks!

@Skub Thank you!

@CaliaMoko I guess I didn't realize the lyrics were that choppy, but the line "alone in this" is the whole reason I wrote the song and the only line that it exists for for me. I was never as satisfied with the first section (i asked for help and it's overrated...all the way through) but I definitely didn't use the word 'overrated' just to rhyme with 'hate it', if anything it's the other way around. I do feel like that first section doesn't sound as good to me as the rest, so maybe I'll work on that. Thank you for taking the time, and thank you for the 'potential' comment, it means a lot.
and though we cry
we must stay alive
let my blood only run out
when my world decides
there is no way out
of your only life
so run on...
run on

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2019, 08:13:46 PM »
@adamwolf : Well, as I said, it's only my opinion and I'm no expert. I tend to be quite critical sometimes. I like to see the kind of thought you put into your lyrics. What you want from your song is top priority.

In general, I think you need to write, write, and write some more. The more you write, thinking critically as you do so and analyzing your work as you go, the better your writing will be. And, of course, keep posting here for feedback ideas from others.

I really like how you've jumped right into forum life with both feet. You're doing a great job of browsing the boards, providing feedback, and generally being involved in forum life. I think you fit in here quite well and I'm glad you've joined us.

Sincerely,
Vicki
« Last Edit: November 25, 2019, 03:27:35 PM by CaliaMoko »

Cawproductions

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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2019, 09:25:43 PM »
Hi Adam,

IMHO, You playing is nice and has steady timing, for my ear maybe give your melody a little more tonal range, more melodic.
Your vocal has a nice tone and isnt really out of tune, sounds ok, like others have said, your vocal has some good emotion which is tricky get across.

The word phrasing could flow better in places, but hey, greats set of lyrics, its just a case of choosing words that flow along naturally.

Great work fella, keep writing.
Andy

dinnerwithgreedo

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« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2019, 03:21:06 PM »
I'll echo what everyone has been saying and add...

I was captivated by the song BUT when i got to end of it, i couldn't tell you what the melody was. It seemed a little all over the place (like you're trying to fit all your words in).

You remind me of when I started writing so keep at it (coz i'm fucking awesome now!! ;) )
Remember.... it's just my opinion. It doesn't make me right. Although i probably am ;)