I Confess

  • 2 Replies
  • 368 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

OBreezy185

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 2
« on: October 29, 2019, 09:35:21 PM »
I would really like honest feedback on this part of a song I wrote. I'm thinking maybe at times it's not good enough but I wanna see what other people think. The song 'I Confess' and it reflects on a true story about girl that I really but her life is just so out of control as she doesn't understand relationships because she has a new Bf every couple of weeks and every time the same outcome happens, she gets her heart broken. I feel bad for her at times she doesn't deserve, I only wish she see some sense that every time I've always supported her since day one because I only wish she see that I could be that person to make her happy that no other man has ever done for her. She's amazing, I know she can always do better I will always be right by her side cuz I care about her in every single way. This song hasn't got a chorus yet because I'm still working on it as its only a rough outline of what I'm planning but feel free to give your honest opinions on it as it would be much appreciated.

I CONFESS

Oh, I don’t even know where it’s gonna end
Cuz I see you with another man again
Only lately has it been becoming a trend
Cuz everyday it’s the same, I see it all over your facebook page
You said you’ve only known him 3 days but already engaged
I’m not one to complain to know that you think that it’s okay
Even though I really think your making big mistake
But you don’t realise this pain is too much for me
Cuz when you say he’s the best you’ve ever had
Only for it to fall apart when he ends up breaking your heart again
If only you could understand how it’s hurting me as a friend
Please don’t pretend, knowing that I’m always right there
Just to show how much I really care, it ain’t fair (X2)


I’ve been hearing all these rumours that you been sleeping around
And it’s not hard to figure it out that now you with that boy from downtown
But I already heard that he let you down
When you tell me he didn’t, but your friends are telling me different
But I know you just don’t wanna listen
Knowing that your always repping with your bad girl image
Why you gotta hide all that innocence now that your becoming so distant
You always show me what I’m missing


adamwolf

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 46
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2019, 08:11:11 PM »
Good job dude this is really good. I like that you can tell how you're being vulnerable and sweet from the way you word it. I obviously don't know what kind of music you're gonna go for, I'm not sure if you meant to add a link to it or it's just the lyrics, but either way it's hard for something to come across as good with just the lyrics but this definitely did, it's really really good.

If I were you I'd take what you're trying to say in the last few lines of the first section and work around with it to make that the chorus, just the idea of how what she's doing is affecting you, along with what you said explaining it at the start that she doesn't realize that you care more than they ever could and that she deserves better, and I guess go for the short meaningful lyrics that dig deep just to balance things out since the verses are longer lines.

I really admire how you got such a strong sentiment across with your lyrics without overdoing it, great job. I think there's another part of the forum for just lyrics by the way you can try posting it there.
and though we cry
we must stay alive
let my blood only run out
when my world decides
there is no way out
of your only life
so run on...
run on

Neil C

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3970
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2019, 05:23:55 PM »
Hi and welcome,
I think this should posted on the lyrics thread btw.
Thoughts you’ve already got a lot of words to work with and as you say not got a chorus yet. I would think about structure, meter and rhyming scheme. For example if you’re doing a traditional song as opposed to a rap, you might only need 4 lines for a verse. And they would read evenly - think of the nursery rhyme ‘mary had a little lamb.. etc’ hopefully that makes sense. It’s then much easier to put to music and melody. I hope this helps. It’s always great to overwrite and prune. It also allows you to focus n on the story or the message of each verse, chorus etc.
Hope this helps and do have a look at the rules section
:-) Neil
songwriter of no repute..