Lonely Fool

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irwin

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« on: August 31, 2019, 03:14:44 PM »
Hi guys, this song is a collaboration I did with two of my friends and I am asking for some feedback.

https://soundcloud.com/jay-williams-productions/lonely-fool


Lonely Fool
©2019 Irwin Byron Abrigo

(First verse)
If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does
She keeps me lively
In the day time
Make's me groan in the night
But now that she's gone I really


(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home

(Second verse)
If anybody see my lady
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving
Miss understanding
I said baby don't you worry
I will be happy
But that was a lie
Cause now I really


(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home

(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a lonely fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since she’s been gone there been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again
Am I a fool (no) did all I had to do (Yes)
Then why she’s not in my presents
Why in my arms she is absent

(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here

(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home

PaulyX

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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2019, 10:49:16 PM »
I liked the pre-choruses a great deal Irwin... the lyrics, the melody, the excellent way your friend sings them, everything.  I also like the way the chorus melody was unexpected; in a way it is an 'anti-chorus' because the songs gets simpler and quieter at those moments.  I thought that approach was interesting but the chorus didn't excite as much as the verses... maybe there is an alternative version you could do with a more conventional bigger chorus?  I just felt that lovely pre-chorus deserved a bigger pay-off.  Nice work though and good to hear from you.
It's all too beautiful.

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2019, 04:07:48 PM »
@irwin - this is a tricky song for my ears , i struggled with quite a bit of it, the arrangement, the mix, the vocal lines, since you are after constructive crit, i’ll listen a bit more to make sure...I’ll be back ...

adamfarr

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« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2019, 12:19:50 PM »
It's very interesting and ambitious. The rhythms are slightly wild but definitely grabbed me and felt quite infectious (not sure what dance I would do!). There's something quite unsettling about them which of course works well with the theme of the song.


The chorus didn't work so well for me - perhaps because the beat drops out altogether. It's definitely effective - the contrast with the verse/prechorus makes this stand out in a cool way. So one thing that you might try is exposing the vocal even more by also dropping out the synth and making the chorus a breakdown section (perhaps with just bass or some percussion). I think I would try something like that (though this is really not my area!)...


Anyhow, I also enjoyed the nod in the pre-chorus to one of the most emotional heartbreak songs of all time, and the vocal is really well performed and produced.

Modestmouse1965/

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« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2019, 09:39:38 PM »
A very unusual song to my ears. Grabbed my attention. I wouldn't know how to improve this. On second listen i expect some harmonies to come in on second verse and some sort of uplifting keyboard sound on the bridge. Just my 2 cents worth. My earphones are broken but will listen to this again when i have new ones. Great job.