Summer rains - feedback would be great

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Neil C

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« on: August 07, 2019, 08:57:52 AM »
Hi team,
Would love some feedback on this little ode. now with a few minor changes.
Many thanks
 :)
neil

The clouds are heavy after too much sun
Enjoying themselves just like everyone
Got caught a little, they now need relief
To loosen their load and cause mischief

Like a pressure cooker about to explode
The temperatures rising before the download

So bring it on, let the downpour begin
The needle spun and I’m soaked the skin
There’s no end in sight, I think I’m going to drown
In the summer rain - on the hillside, the valleys and the towns

There’s damp on my brow, my clothes dripping wet
Its so oppressive and sweat down my back
I can taste the moisture, I can feel the heat 
When will it stop and give us release?

Like a pressure cooker about to explode
The temperatures rising before the download

So bring it on, let the downpour begin
The needle spun and I’m soaked the skin
There’s no end in sight, I think I’m going to drown
In the summer rain - on the hillside, the valleys and the towns

Pregnant like a saddleback, bursting at the seams
Cumulonimbus
Let your babies go, let them all be free
What goes round comes around. They’ll return safe you’ll see

Here come the gods and their weapons of war
They got it bad, got to even the score
Freya and Zues, Mariamman and Thor
Thunder and lightening like never before

So bring it on, let the downpour begin
The needle spun and I’m soaked the skin
There’s no end in sight, I think I’m going to drown
In the summer rain - on the hillside, the valleys and the towns

c N Connor 2019
« Last Edit: August 07, 2019, 05:53:11 PM by Neil C »
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HappyDays

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« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2019, 10:19:10 AM »
Hey Neil,

I thought I'd never see the day when 'Cumulonimbus' would be used in a song (maybe in songs in school about types of clouds, but those doesn't count). At the moment, I can only see one line that might need some shifting. The line with download seems a bit odd to me. I kind of understand how you used the word, but the word 'download' doesn't really fit with the whole song. Unfortunately, I don't really have a suggestion for a change at the moment. I'll try to think of it in the meantime, along with other possible changes

Rocky

Neil C

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« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2019, 05:56:03 PM »
Rocky,

thanks - Thought twice about the C word, maybe even calling the song that but decided better. I like interesting words and most people know what it means.

Download was a word which is a bit different but has the same kind of meaning with the added advantage of rhyming.

ps its also the name of a famous rock festival which my son goes to in the UK..

:-)
Neil
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CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2019, 11:25:43 PM »
This looks really fun and I'll be waiting to hear it. The only comment I have is about this line:

The needle spun and I’m soaked the skin

Which occurs a couple times. I don't get "soaked the skin". Is a word missing? Should it be "soaked to the skin" or something like that?

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2019, 07:32:30 AM »
I took a look yesterday, and must have been too tired to make sense of it.  I did realize that anything I had to see then would be worthless. 

Came back to it rested, and think it's a neat little lyric that could be far deeper than a simple discussion of the weather.  There seemed to be an underlying "fable aspect" that I couldn't quite ascertain.  Might not have been, but seemed to be.  If there is, don't tell me.  Listeners often want to figure it out themselves. 

And sometimes, we figure out some things the songwriter never intended or didn't conciously know he meant. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

adamfarr

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« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2019, 06:07:41 PM »
I like it a lot. The download is clever but maybe not obvious... What about "motherload" just to add even more annihilation? (sp?)

The part that didn't quite resonate with me was "the hillside, the valleys and the towns" - the rest of the song has a real appocalyptic (sp?) feel so that seemed a bit mundane - like HTM I wanted this to hint more clearly at another level... Maybe you could use the "what goes around comes around" line there instead to hint at the narrator's guilt for something? Or "nature's finally hunted me down" (more guilt) or "nature's bringing the house down" (just devastation)...

Just some quick thoughts - but I do like it!

Neil C

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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2019, 08:51:52 AM »
Vicki - thanks I hadn't even noticed the missing word, which is of course what I sing!!

Verlon - 'sometimes, we figure out some things the songwriter never intended or didn't conciously know he meant' Too true. I was trying to be descriptive I overwrote and then trimmed back to V1 describing the clouds, V2 the claustrophobic effect and then V3 I though, what about the rain gods and I pretty much wrote itself:-)

Adam- Interesting point - going to use motherhood thanks! I'll ponder on the other suggestion too.
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