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You Are Not Monet

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HappyDays

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« on: July 29, 2019, 08:56:25 AM »
Hi y'all

I'm just figuring the forum out, so let me know if I should do anything that could help me as a beginner.

This was an idea that I had a few days ago, and I thought I should give it a shot. I have an idea of a melody, but I really don't know how to actually make this idea into a full-fledged song (since the height of my expertise in music is Level 1 piano  :P :D). Any comments and suggestions are really important for me so I can grow as a writer, or even as a person.

You Are Not Monet

Verse:
So you think you can be
the greatest master
that art has never seen?
Better stroke faster

‘cause you’re busking in streets.
You’re a poor painter.
Now, you have grown too weak.
Yet, you’re undeterred.

Pre-Chorus:
Babe, what has gotten into your brain?
Have you been drinking all of the paint?

Chorus:
Stop making pictures that no one will see.
You’re betting on a peanut
for the price of everything.

The gamble’s yours, but you’ve got to be real.
Never tell me you forgot
that you are not Monet.

Verse:
So you think you can win
in this thing called life?
Is that why you begin
to tell foolish lies?

Keep on hearing the lies
And you’ll lose your mind.
It’s like you’ve used a knife
to kill off what’s right.

Pre-Chorus:
What has gotten into your brain?
Have you never felt any pain?

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
Your ambition failed.
The truth will prevail.

(Repeat Chorus)
« Last Edit: July 30, 2019, 07:01:29 AM by HappyDays »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2019, 01:34:49 PM »
I appreciate that you're not afraid to use "near" rhymes. I have a hard time coming up with good "unstable" rhyming schemes, so I like to see someone making good use of them.

I can hear this either as a minor key lament OR a loud, screamy rock style song. Do you know anyone who plays guitar or piano? You could take your melody idea to such a person and have them help you make a simple recorded version of this you could post on SoundCloud (or your favorite place). I've used the voice recorder on a phone for such a purpose before. I'd like to hear what you have in mind.

As far as feedback--you didn't mention any spots you wanted input on, so I'll just mention anything that I notice.

You're using a painting metaphor, right? "You are not Monet", "you're a poor painter". Or maybe you're being literal and talking to someone who literally wants to be a painter but is no good at it. I'm not sure, but it doesn't really matter. What confuses me is the plowing and planting reference early on. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story, which is all about paint and painting. It could be just me, but I would expect all the references to be to painting OR there to be more that helps the plowing, planting, and seeds make sense in the painting setting.

That's all I have for now. I hope you're able to get something together for a recording so we can hear this.

And welcome to the forum! I like this forum very much--it's my favorite music forum, of those I've tried so far. I've tried a few. This is the only one I spend time in regularly.

Vicki

HappyDays

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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2019, 06:31:04 PM »
Hey @CaliaMoko

Thanks so much for giving me some pretty good observations about the first part and the theme overall. The metaphor/literal thing is really up to the reader or listener. I guess this song is generally about struggles, rejection, or anything similar. I was also kind of struggling with the first part. I was trying to describe the painter as some homeless person who looks really rugged. I couldn't really think of any artist/painter ideas at the time, but I made a change that may fit the theme (I modified the lyrics post)

I don't really have much to use to make this idea into an actual song. I was trying to put some piano chords into the song (Is that harmony? I don't know, I better learn more about it), but it just slowed me down - so I just used a melody in my head. If anyone's willing to work with me to make this an actual song, I'd absolutely love to learn.

PS: Just heard your song Mark of The Chains, and it's been stuck in my head for a while now. It's just a great song!

Rocky
« Last Edit: July 29, 2019, 11:25:54 PM by HappyDays »

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2019, 08:34:53 PM »
@HappyDays you’ve put a lot of thought into this, have you any arrangement ideas?

As the words have a deep meaning it would be an idea to keep the chord structure simple, since busy lyrics and complex chord changes are tricky to compute, keep the hooks in the vocal melody and the chords dead simple. Level 1 is fine.

It might take 10 goes to get the melody you are looking for, and a few rewrites of the lyrics, keep listening to it from the point of view of the cold sound cloud listener, give em something to stop hitting the stop button...emotion, hook, sound, unexpected instruments

anything goes...

You want to get them singing the main hook afterwards...

It’ll come, just keep working on it, craft it like a sculptor, don’t Be lazy and don’t compromise

Hope this helps....

HappyDays

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« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2019, 09:32:11 PM »
Hey @cowparsleyman,

I really appreciate your good sages of advice. I may have some idea of how might it sound, accompaniment-wise. But the thing is, I'm not very good at articulating my ideas. That's why I'm kind of looking for a collaborator to bounce off ideas with. I had one with a guy from a small band, and it was really cool to have someone incorporate his expertise to my melodies and lyrics. Been looking for a while, and I think I might find one soon in this forum - but we'll see.

Thanks again and I'll make sure to listen to some of your stuff  :)

Rightly

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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2019, 09:50:57 AM »
Your style is refreshingly unusual.
I hope you get to realise these lyrics with music, some of it is hard to get without music.
I've nothing to offer by way of critique.
The lyric is quite inspiring, I hope you persevere.
It's either this or that, then again it might be the other. 

I can promise you a future of slow decline.

And there you have it. 

https://soundcloud.com/rightly