Songwriter Forum > Lyrics

Would appreciate a critique

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HappyDays:

--- Quote from: Jo ash on August 04, 2019, 07:47:43 PM ---HappyDays,

Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians.  Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect rhymes or near-rhymes, I was just sentimental. That's all.

--- End quote ---

I understand if you don't like my suggestions, it's completely fine. You're the songwriter, so it's all up to you on how you write how it goes. And it's wonderful you're showing your grace to God through music. I just have a different perspective about gospel music - thinking that there are more ways than being just preachy about the teachings of the Lord.

Good luck writing this song and I'm keen to listen to it if it'll be finished.

Jo ash:
HappyDays,
I never discarded your suggestion. It has its place in gospel music and music generally. I have other lyrics that take your suggested style but not this one. Someday, I'll post one here.  And yeah, I will definitely post a link here when its finished.

Thanks

hardtwistmusic:

--- Quote from: Jo ash on August 04, 2019, 07:47:43 PM ---HappyDays,

Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians.  Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect ryhmes or near-ryhmes, I was just sentimental. That's all.


--- End quote ---

When you write songs of praise, there is a very difficult dichotomy to overcome.  For any song to stick in someone's mind, it has to "feel familiar" but surprise the listener with a distinctly different "something."  That's harder with songs of praise than in any other genre. 

For a song to gain listeners, it has to "stand out from the rest."  It has to "feel familiar" (and thus feel comforting) but BE different enough to occupy space in the listener's memory.

One way to differentiate would be to NOT come across as preachy.  Make your points in a less standard (i.e. less preachy) manner.  There are an infinite number of other ways to differentiate.  You can opt to be more subtle than standard songs of praise.  You can opt to differentiate through the music and instrumentation while leaving the words the same. 

If you want to write "just another generic song of praise," then stick to  your guns and keep it exactly the same as it is.  It currently fits the formula just fine.  But if you want your song to stick in anyone's mind, the formula is poison. 

PaulAds:
Hi Jo

I didn’t think it was “preachy”

I think that if you’d already bought into the whole “god” thing - the converted, if you like - it’d be ideal. Gospel/faith based lyrics always seem a bit bonkers to me because I’m one of nature’s sceptics.

We had and possibly still have a TV show called “songs of praise” that films church services from around the country and it used to really creep me out. I guess faith-based lyrics are an impossibly hard sell for unbelievers.

Christianity has used much of the greatest music, prose, architecture and art to dazzle mankind with. You’re in good but tough company.

You lyric is pretty solid...but more importantly, seems genuine and heartfelt...and if I were God...that would be what i loved about it.

Ps

Also, if I were God...i think I’d get my ass down here and fix some of this shit.


 

Jo ash:
Hi Hardtwistmusic,

I agree with almost all that you said - about making one's song stand out. This is just one of my lyrics, there are others. And I know, you do too: not all songs of a musician stand out. Not even those of a legend. This is not in any way downplaying this lyric ( No One Like You). This lyric is excellent, so many people said so to me.

Thanks.

Hi PaulAds,

Thanks a million for saying this: "I didn’t think it was “preachy”
And this too: "You lyric is pretty solid...but more importantly, seems genuine and heartfelt...and if I were God...that would be what I loved about it."

On the issue of God coming down to fix things, what can I say?  :) :) 
Now I'll go "preachy" on you: His (God) ways are not our ways. ;D ;D

Have a nice day.

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