Songwriter Forum > Lyrics
Would appreciate a critique
Jo ash:
I finished this piece some days back... I love it. Please, say something, anything. Thanks.
Title: No One Like You
Verse 1
I can search this whole world
all rooms in heaven too
There’ll be no one young or old
that will be just like you:
You are God Almighty
that rules with humility
Chorus:
There is no one like You
There is no one like You
The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne
There is no one like You
Verse 2
When down and all alone
when friends have deserted me so
You remain the only one
when troubles won’t let go
You get me out of the pit
stand me back on my feet
Verse 3
You began the beginning
made all things from the dark
Gave life to all that’s living
made man head of the park
No one was at the start
You alone, the first and last
Copyright © 2019 Jo Ash
HappyDays:
Hey @Jo ash,
I think the intent of your music is sincere, since (referring also to your post in the collab forum) you write more gospel/worship music. I think it's always great to express your belief in music - whatever the belief may be. To be frank, I find this one a bit 'preachy'. I've written some Christian lyrics/music before, and what I've always strived to do is try to have the song be as universal as possible. I write about God as if he was a neighbour/classmate/stranger/even lover. We all have different ways to interpret God, so it's all up to you to do so.
I wonder about 'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne/'. I assume that you're talking about God, but I don't think using a lamb to refer to about him is the best. The change can be as simple as replacing 'lamb' with 'man'.
You kind of use near-rhyming with pairs likes world/old and pit and feet. Personally, I'm a bit iffy about that. I'd try to stick to closer perfect/near rhymes than the ones you chose. However, I could be totally wrong when I hear the melody and the final product.
I also listened to your song 'Our God Your Reign', and it was a pretty decent listen with a good twist of the instrumentals. I hope you make more experimental gospel music!
CaliaMoko:
Hi Jo,
When reviewing a lyric that has no accompanying melody (so far), one important thing I look for is consistency in the verses. So I compare the verses, line by line, to see if they will fit the same melody. Your verses have some inconsistencies but, for the most part, they can be made to work. One line I can't bend to fit, without it sounding awkward, is "when friends have deserted me", so that line might benefit from a little more thought.
I have a bias against using the word "that" to refer to a person (or, in this case, Supreme Being), so I do recommend considering changing "that will be just like you" to "who will be just like you" and "that rules with humility" to "who rules with humility". In my mind "that" refers to things, not people (or God).
I noted the reference to the word "lamb" in another post, and I assumed you used that word to identify this as Christian; however, if you're interested in "God-like" alternatives, you could try "King", or even "Father", although that second one adds a syllable which may throw off the meter of your line.
That's all I have at the moment. I hope it's helpful!
Vicki
Jo ash:
HappyDays,
Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians. Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect ryhmes or near-ryhmes, I was just sentimental. That's all.
Jo ash:
Vicki,
Thanks for commenting. Most times I lookout for your contributions, they're always very helpful.
I know your bias for using the word "that" for a person and in this case God. I tried your suggestion and it flowed smoothly. So i'm opting for it.
Thanks a lot.
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