Would appreciate a critique

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Jo ash

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« on: July 28, 2019, 08:21:45 PM »
I finished this piece some days back... I love it. Please, say something, anything. Thanks.

Title: No One Like You

Verse 1

I can search this whole world
all rooms in heaven too
There’ll be no one young or old
that will be just like you:
You are God Almighty
that rules with humility

Chorus:

There is no one like You
There is no one like You
The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne
There is no one like You

Verse 2

When down and all alone
when friends have deserted me so
You remain the only one
when troubles won’t let go
You get me out of the pit
stand me back on my feet

Verse 3

You began the beginning
made all things from the dark
Gave life to all that’s living
made man head of the park
No one was at the start
You alone, the first and last

Copyright © 2019 Jo Ash
« Last Edit: July 30, 2019, 11:35:47 PM by Jo ash »

HappyDays

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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2019, 12:28:42 AM »
Hey @Jo ash,

 I think the intent of your music is sincere, since (referring also to your post in the collab forum) you write more gospel/worship music. I think it's always great to express your belief in music - whatever the belief may be. To be frank, I find this one a bit 'preachy'. I've written some Christian lyrics/music before, and what I've always strived to do is try to have the song be as universal as possible. I write about God as if he was a neighbour/classmate/stranger/even lover. We all have different ways to interpret God, so it's all up to you to do so.

I wonder about 'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne/'. I assume that you're talking about God, but I don't think using a lamb to refer to about him is the best. The change can be as simple as replacing 'lamb' with 'man'.

You kind of use near-rhyming with pairs likes world/old and pit and feet. Personally, I'm a bit iffy about that. I'd try to stick to closer perfect/near rhymes than the ones you chose. However, I could be totally wrong when I hear the melody and the final product.

I also listened to your song 'Our God Your Reign', and it was a pretty decent listen with a good twist of the instrumentals. I hope you make more experimental gospel music!

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2019, 02:40:26 PM »
Hi Jo,

When reviewing a lyric that has no accompanying melody (so far), one important thing I look for is consistency in the verses. So I compare the verses, line by line, to see if they will fit the same melody. Your verses have some inconsistencies but, for the most part, they can be made to work. One line I can't bend to fit, without it sounding awkward, is "when friends have deserted me", so that line might benefit from a little more thought.

I have a bias against using the word "that" to refer to a person (or, in this case, Supreme Being), so I do recommend considering changing "that will be just like you" to "who will be just like you" and "that rules with humility" to "who rules with humility". In my mind "that" refers to things, not people (or God).

I noted the reference to the word "lamb" in another post, and I assumed you used that word to identify this as Christian; however, if you're interested in "God-like" alternatives, you could try "King", or even "Father", although that second one adds a syllable which may throw off the meter of your line.

That's all I have at the moment. I hope it's helpful!

Vicki

Jo ash

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« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2019, 06:47:43 PM »
HappyDays,

Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians.  Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect ryhmes or near-ryhmes, I was just sentimental. That's all.

Jo ash

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« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2019, 06:59:33 PM »
Vicki,
Thanks for commenting. Most times I lookout for your contributions, they're always very helpful.
I know your bias for using the word "that" for a person and in this case God. I tried your suggestion and it flowed smoothly. So i'm opting for it.
Thanks a lot.

HappyDays

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« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2019, 09:19:32 PM »
HappyDays,

Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians.  Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect rhymes or near-rhymes, I was just sentimental. That's all.

I understand if you don't like my suggestions, it's completely fine. You're the songwriter, so it's all up to you on how you write how it goes. And it's wonderful you're showing your grace to God through music. I just have a different perspective about gospel music - thinking that there are more ways than being just preachy about the teachings of the Lord.

Good luck writing this song and I'm keen to listen to it if it'll be finished.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2019, 10:41:53 PM by HappyDays »

Jo ash

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« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2019, 01:11:57 PM »
HappyDays,
I never discarded your suggestion. It has its place in gospel music and music generally. I have other lyrics that take your suggested style but not this one. Someday, I'll post one here.  And yeah, I will definitely post a link here when its finished.

Thanks

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2019, 07:43:27 AM »
HappyDays,

Thanks a lot, for commenting. "Preachy?" Well, most gospel/worship songs are this way. So, in this case, I simply followed tradition. Anyways, your observation is noted.
'The lamb who sits on heaven’s throne' is a common and acceptable expression used by most Christians.  Replacing it with "man" will take a lot from the song.
And yeah, I know: feet/pit and world/old aren't the perfect ryhmes or near-ryhmes, I was just sentimental. That's all.


When you write songs of praise, there is a very difficult dichotomy to overcome.  For any song to stick in someone's mind, it has to "feel familiar" but surprise the listener with a distinctly different "something."  That's harder with songs of praise than in any other genre. 

For a song to gain listeners, it has to "stand out from the rest."  It has to "feel familiar" (and thus feel comforting) but BE different enough to occupy space in the listener's memory.

One way to differentiate would be to NOT come across as preachy.  Make your points in a less standard (i.e. less preachy) manner.  There are an infinite number of other ways to differentiate.  You can opt to be more subtle than standard songs of praise.  You can opt to differentiate through the music and instrumentation while leaving the words the same. 

If you want to write "just another generic song of praise," then stick to  your guns and keep it exactly the same as it is.  It currently fits the formula just fine.  But if you want your song to stick in anyone's mind, the formula is poison. 

www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

PaulAds

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« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2019, 09:14:17 AM »
Hi Jo

I didn’t think it was “preachy”

I think that if you’d already bought into the whole “god” thing - the converted, if you like - it’d be ideal. Gospel/faith based lyrics always seem a bit bonkers to me because I’m one of nature’s sceptics.

We had and possibly still have a TV show called “songs of praise” that films church services from around the country and it used to really creep me out. I guess faith-based lyrics are an impossibly hard sell for unbelievers.

Christianity has used much of the greatest music, prose, architecture and art to dazzle mankind with. You’re in good but tough company.

You lyric is pretty solid...but more importantly, seems genuine and heartfelt...and if I were God...that would be what i loved about it.

Ps

Also, if I were God...i think I’d get my ass down here and fix some of this shit.


 

Jo ash

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« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2019, 12:29:11 AM »
Hi Hardtwistmusic,

I agree with almost all that you said - about making one's song stand out. This is just one of my lyrics, there are others. And I know, you do too: not all songs of a musician stand out. Not even those of a legend. This is not in any way downplaying this lyric ( No One Like You). This lyric is excellent, so many people said so to me.

Thanks.

Hi PaulAds,

Thanks a million for saying this: "I didn’t think it was “preachy”
And this too: "You lyric is pretty solid...but more importantly, seems genuine and heartfelt...and if I were God...that would be what I loved about it."

On the issue of God coming down to fix things, what can I say?  :) :) 
Now I'll go "preachy" on you: His (God) ways are not our ways. ;D ;D

Have a nice day.