konalavadome

Blue Hue

  • 3 Replies
  • 65 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

indigobluehorizons

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 7
« on: July 28, 2019, 01:14:16 PM »
Driving through the noir of night, where lights intrude, and moths take flight
The sky’s a blanket of intricate layers, and I’m just a ghost with futile prayers

My wheels caress the tarmac road, as shadows dance and play an ode
I must get back to the town, where you’ll be waiting without a frown

My petrol gauge is quivering, I’m filled with rage and shivering
The hilltops stare in sympathy, the streetlights glare in empathy

The engine whines, and so do I, I’m so far gone I want to cry
The state I’m in is nothing new, and all this stress because of you

As dawn begins to break, I realise what’s at stake
I glance up at the sky, my eyes stuck like glue
For a small speck of light begins to break through
A pale and pretty sight, a welcoming blue hue

I’m miles away in thoughts and yards, I cut myself on mental shards
I itch to be with you my dear, if nothing else to quell my fear

My heart beats fast, I start to sweat, the steering wheel is warm and wet
The destination’s up ahead, but doubts are swirling in my head

The lights beat down from other cars, it hurts my eyes, I’m seeing stars
Then raindrops fall, impede my view, the wipers fail, and the brakes too

A deer runs out to test my skill, I swerve around and down the hill
I skid on leaves, spin through the muck, I’m counting on an ounce of luck

But dawn begins to break, and I realise just what’s at stake
I look back to the sky, my eyes are stuck like glue
For a small speck of light continues to break through
A pale and pretty sight, the welcoming blue hue

A howling wind whistles to me, the dashboard shakes to make me see
Purple shrouds, purple clouds, these coloured streaks subdue my doubts

A few more miles are all I need, to find you girl my heart must feed
Blind corners notwithstanding love, find warnings here but now it’s tough

I have the plan to make this right, it’s preordained, no need to fight
Your angel eyes are all I wish, your soft sweet lips I long to kiss

A new day born, it’s a fresh start, a few ways there to calm my heart
Arrive on time and there you are, your warm embrace is on a par

When dawn reaches its break, I’ve realised what’s at stake
I look away from the sky, my eyes are stuck on you
A larger speck of light has already broken through
A mass majestic sight, long live the sky’s blue hue.

CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2709
  • Do It Yourself!
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2019, 11:56:08 PM »
I don't have time for much, so just a couple starting comments.

First of all, when I read through this, it feels more like poetry to me than lyrics. The musical treatment could change that completely, of course.

Your first two lines feel strong to me. First three lines, really. And some of the other lines throughout. I have a question about line 2, though. It says you are "a ghost with futile prayers", implying your wishes are in vain. Yet at the end it sounds to me like we have a happy ending. Is that right? So I'm confused by that.

Line 4 seems a bit weak. It feels like it's reaching for a rhyme, any rhyme, just to make it come out right. The purpose appears to be to establish that you need to get back to your true love who you expect will be waiting for you. Can you come up with something more meaningful in place of "where you'll be waiting without a frown"? To find a rhyme, maybe you could change the first part of the line. Like, "I am hurrying back to find..." or "I am hurrying back to see..." Or you could get fancier: "It's imperative I get back..." There are probably many possibilities. And all this is merely based on my personal opinions, which are suspect, so consider them if you want, but not if you don't.

I don't have time right now to go through the rest. Good luck with it. I am curious as to how this might fit to music, so I hope you'll post a finished version eventually.

Rightly

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 966
  • and there you have it.
    • My cloud o' sound.
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2019, 12:33:46 PM »
This is intriguing poetry for me
Some really nice lines here, a very fertile starting point if you do intend to make it a song. 

I don't drive but any reference or play with the subjective human emotion and the car and the night is interesting. 

I think some editing would be needed to make it a song
I'm sure you have your own ideas. 


I enjoyed reading it
Good luck with it.
It's either this or that, then again it might be the other. 

And there you have it. 

https://soundcloud.com/rightly

indigobluehorizons

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 7
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2019, 06:38:07 PM »
Thank you both for the feedback, I really appreciate it. All the best. 😀