Through the fire

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kaalbas

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« on: July 20, 2019, 11:45:19 AM »
Hey there.

I hope someone could help me with the grammar for these lyris and maybe give some feedback.

Through the fire

Verse 1

I've made my peace. I'm letting go
Of everything that I know

Pre-chorus

It's too late to turn around
Burn it to the Ground
Yeah
I won't let this be the end
I will rise again
Rise again

Chorus

I will make it through the fire
I Will Reach and touch the sky
I Will make it through the fire
All the way to paradise

Verse 2

I have to do what's in my heart
Even when Things Falls apart

Pre-chorus

Chorus

Bridge/solo

Chorus

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2019, 07:29:26 PM »
I'm pretty picky about grammar and I don't see anything wrong with these lines. For the most part they seem to be tight and effective. One line I might spend more time on is 2nd line of the 1st verse: "Of everything that I know". Based on the rhythm of the rest of the piece, I suspect this line might feel a little awkward and off balance as it sits. You could make it match by saying something like "Of things and people that I know" or (even better in my opinion) "Of things and people I have known". That second option does two things. It matches the rhythm pattern AND it introduces a near rhyme (instead of a perfect rhyme) which is an unstable element. Your song has an "unstable" theme, so this would support that.

You could even go in a different direction altogether and say something like "And let my thoughts and feelings flow". So many possibilities. :)

Just some ideas for you to use or lose as the spirit moves you. I hope I've been at least a little helpful.

kaalbas

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« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2019, 01:20:52 PM »
Thank you so much. I really appriciate it. I've been spending so much time writing the lyrics. I always get stuck, because I want too much, instead of keeping it simple. I have never finished one song, so I hope this is finaly it. What do you think about this sentence: "Of everything I've ever known"? Thanks Michael

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2019, 02:35:32 PM »
...What do you think about this sentence: "Of everything I've ever known"?...
I like it a lot. :)

kaalbas

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« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2019, 06:00:45 PM »
Hello again

I've made a small change to the second verse. I wasen't satisfied with the second line.  I hope you would give your opinion. :-)

"I have to do what's in my heart
It's time to make a brand new start"

Thanks Michael

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2019, 06:17:00 PM »
Yes, I think that's an improvement,  but I think you can do better yet. "Brand new start" has been used a lot. I'd like to hear something more original. But it's ok as is and that's just me.

A coue ideas that might jog your mind to come up with something else...
Otherwise I'll fall apart
Or surely I will fall apart

I'm pretty sure something better is out there.

kaalbas

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« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2019, 08:38:49 PM »
What about:

"I don't know what or who to blame
but I won't hold on to this pain"

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2019, 11:29:39 PM »
@kaalbas I like that. But keep in mind, you definitely don't need to please me. Lots of people will have different opinions and mine is likely not the best one.