konalavadome

One More Time

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CaliaMoko

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« on: July 16, 2019, 01:10:17 AM »

Pre-PS: Edits in the lyric made 8 August 2019, reflecting ruminations on feedback received so far.

*************

I've been getting more into writing lately. It has become kind of a stress relief activity.

This one is kind of a memorial to someone I used to know who died recently. There is a very rough demo in Dropbox (https://www.dropbox.com/s/onu03vlvsisr935/One%20More%20Time.mp3?dl=0), so you can listen to it. The lyric is below, and where the lyric and the demo differ, the printed lyric is correct.

I've done a lot of work on the words. I struggled. And I think I pretty much have them where I want them, but I'm so not objective, so if anything seems non-sensical, or doesn't flow well with the melody line, I'd like to catch it and fix it. I'm particularly wondering about the line "I didn't think it would expire". I know what I mean, but is it too obscure for anyone else? Or does that even matter?

Speaking of melody line, whenever I come up with one I like, I can't help thinking I must have heard it somewhere before...so if the melody sounds familiar and/or you don't think it's original, I'd really like to remedy that, as well.


ONE MORE TIME

VERSE
I heard the news today. I don’t know what to say.
I always thought I’d see you one more time.
But that will never be, and it surprises me
How often you’ve been wand’ring through my mind.

CHORUS
I always thought I’d see you again.
I really expected an encounter now and then.
[possible alternative: How well I remember we were bound/once so close as friends
or: How well I remember we were once the closest friends
or: Sure we would have a chance to visit now and then]

It’s hard to believe our opportunities have died are gone.
I always thought I’d see you one more time.

VERSE
My memories are old, yet, far from growing cold.
Those happy times don’t seem so far away.
You’re right in front of me, but just a fantasy,
And I can’t spend my life in yesterday.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
One more time. I didn’t think it would expire.
[possible alternative: One more time; I’m sure we could/might have met somewhere
or: One more time; I didn't think there'd never be]

One more time. You know, it isn’t fair.
I was so sure we would have a chance for turning back the tide.
I always thought I’d see you one more time.

CHORUS

AND THEN I ADDED TWO REPEATED SECTIONS

VERSE 1

BRIDGE


Copyright 2019 Vicki Morrison Goble
« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 11:44:41 PM by CaliaMoko »

shadowfax

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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2019, 08:09:59 AM »
Can't get at this..when I click on the link it asks me to create an account.. ???

Paulski

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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2019, 01:43:24 PM »
Can't get at this..when I click on the link it asks me to create an account.. ???
Just close that box and you can play the track Kev

Paulski

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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2019, 01:46:16 PM »
Hi Vicky
Lovely song and a great tribute to your lost friend.
Your vocals are pitch-perfect in this - wish I could do that  ;D
There are a few places where there is an extra bar or two that could be removed - but that's scraping the bottom for nits I know.
Lovely song  ;D
Paul

Skub

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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2019, 02:59:00 PM »
A very catchy and heartfelt song.

Lyrically it's a lesson to us all,for sure.

Your guitar playing sounds like it's getting more confident Vicki. Keep it up!  8)
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crystalsuzy

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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2019, 11:10:41 AM »
A really lovely tribute to your friend Vicki. I' sorry for your loss :'(   the lyrics sound spot on to me and I don't think the melody reminds me of
any other song in particular  :-\  Your vocals are beautiful, as is the song  :)
I'm glad you're getting back into writing again. I also find it very much a stress relief  :)

Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2019, 02:20:28 PM »
Hi,

I like your voice, you are in control and we feel that you have real freedom. The simplicity of the accompaniment serves well the piece which is good enough to exist with a simple acoustic guitar.

I only have one word to say: bravo !

IS

Younger Hills

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« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2019, 09:14:32 PM »
You have a beautiful folk voice, Vicky! And your lyric-writing is so amazing, and I think many can relate to these words you're singing. Your guitar playing sounds very good on this one as well :)

I have nothing more to say, other than, fantastic and I can't wait to hear the finished version :)
Where the Hills are young, the Souls are old

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shadowfax

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« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2019, 09:28:20 AM »
Luverlee song, reminded me of the Seekers, now if you had just chucked in some harmonies in the second half... 8)

best, kevin

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2019, 11:55:53 PM »
Thank you notes are in the mail to:

@Paulski : Pitch perfect! Oh my! I was having a good day. And I believe I've already figured out there's an extra bar here and there that needs to be removed. :)

@Skub  : Thank you, Davy. I think it's my favorite so far (of mine, that is). And practice apparently is effective. I'm even trying to learn some difficult chords--like barred F, C#m, ones like that.

@crystalsuzy : Thank you so much. It does feel good to write and sing. And helps with stress.

@Inanité_sonore : Thank you!

@Younger Hills : And thanks to you, as well.

@shadowfax : I like the Seekers! And I do want to add some harmonies. I'll work on that next. Thanks!

And thanks to everyone who listened! It means a lot to me.

Vicki

redrhodie

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« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2019, 12:09:00 PM »
Hey Vicki,

A couple of the words jumped out at me, encounter and opportunities. They feel slightly impersonal.


"I really expected an encounter now and then."

I miss your (smile, face, eyes or something even more personal), you were a (something) my dear friend

"It’s hard to believe our opportunities have died."
(It's hard to believe that our chances have died)


I didn't recognize the melody.

Lynn

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2019, 02:58:20 PM »
@redrhodie : I understand what you're saying, and I've run through it a few times with the different ideas. The problem with the  more personal approach is, it makes me feel like we were closer than we were. I mean, the people I'm memorializing--I was close with them once, but it was many, many years ago, and reminiscing in a close and personal way now doesn't seem appropriate anymore. To me "encounter" perfectly expresses the distance I feel has happened since that long ago time.

On the other hand, "opportunities" seems like it could be replaced with something better. In fact, the hope for opportunities may (or may not) have been all one-sided on my part, so it might be even better to present it that way. Perhaps something like, "It's hard to believe my expectations have all died."

Thanks so much for the input. I love this forum. :D

PaulyX

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« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2019, 06:05:07 AM »
Hi Vicky, super little song and I really like the melody, especially the chorus and the reach up in pitch.  No, the melody didn't feel stolen to me either.  I read the lyrics a few times since I know you pay a lot of attention to them and asked for particular feedback.  They nearly all worked for me very well, apart from these lines:
- 'I really expected an encounter now and then'.  I'm being pedantic but it's not clear if you were "expecting" now and then (which feels a bit weird, to expect something on and off), or if the "encounter" would be now and then (which contradicts the "one more time" message of the title).  Could you change it to something like "I really expected we'd meet before the end"?. 
- The "expire" line didn't jar although I'm not sure what the "it" is... I guess you mean "Our chances would expire" or similar (do you have space in the vocals to spell that out?).
I'm digging deep to find nits there though, I really like the track for its poignancy and prettiness.  Very well done and I hope you'll continue to a final version.
It's all too beautiful.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2019, 03:52:19 AM »
@PaulyX : Thanks! I like your comments on the lyrics and I was already working on some of that stuff. I hope I don't make it too bland by the time I'm done. I hope to have something more up to date to post soon. This will be going on the album I plan to have out by the end of November. I'll be adding your remarks to my "thinking sheet". Thanks again; I appreciate it a lot!

t.wretborn

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« Reply #14 on: August 08, 2019, 07:31:56 AM »
Hi!
I listened first and then read your introduction. That put a little sad filter on the song that I at first felt sounded a little too happy for the Lyrics, but it works. I understand what you mean that the melody sounds familiar. Especially the end of the chorus "I always thought I'd see you one more time". But who cares! It would be impossible to make melodies if you didn't except that it sometimes remind you of other songs :)