Stay

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LukeArmstrongMusic

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« on: July 13, 2019, 06:32:55 PM »
Been a while since I have been posting a lyric here now. Have been packed up lately, working full-time this summer in elder care, and working on my debut EP, with songs I already have finished and ready for production, and with new ones I write.

Here is one I wrote today after work. Like always it is a personal story behind my lyrics, and it is in the indie/singer/songwriter genre. Not sure if I'll include this on the EP, but it will probably be considered at least.
I get some days off after tomorrow, so I will try and be more active and include all of you in my music, and review the amazing music the talented group of people makes on this forum :)

Take care all, and have an amazing rest of the summer!

Stay

Verse

I don’t know, If I should stay or do I go
I could easily walk out the door
Leave everything that we built behind
I dropped my heart on the floor
For you

Pre-Chorus

If there’s a switch that you can turn
To start a fire then make it burn

Chorus

I can wait till the end of time
If there’s a chance that I can make you mine
I will walk till I can’t stand anymore
If you say, please don’t walk out that door
Baby, I will always stay
Baby, I will always stay

Verse 2

I made you promises, I kept every word
I’m stuck with all the hurt
If you asked for it, I gave you time
The simplest thing to keep you off my mind

Pre-Chorus

If there’s a switch that you can turn
To start a fire then make it burn

Chorus

I can wait till the end of time
If there’s a chance that I can make you mine
I will walk till I can’t stand anymore
If you say, please don’t walk out that door
Baby, I will always stay
Baby, I will always stay

Bridge

Is there someone new in your life
Someone that can always make you smile
Tell me, where does your heart belong
Your love vanished up in the smoke

Pre-Chorus

If there’s a switch that you can turn
To start a fire then make it burn

Chorus

I can wait till the end of time
If there’s a chance that I can make you mine
I will walk till I can’t stand anymore
If you say, please don’t walk out that door
Baby, I will always stay
Baby, I will always stay
Where the Hills are young, the Souls are old

https://soundcloud.com/lukearmstrongmusic

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 02:54:10 AM »
I have a couple ideas/suggestions, based on my own opinions and biases, so use them if you like them; ignore them if you don't. :D

First line says:
"I don't know, If I should stay or do I go"
Consider "I don't know if I should stay or I should go"

Third line says:
"Leave everything that we built behind"
Consider leaving out "that" unless you really need it for rhythm. I'm a big fan of only using the words you need. Although, I probably get too carried away sometimes myself....

First line of pre-chorus:
"If there’s a switch that you can turn"
Another case in which you could leave out the word "that" although the rhythm is very precise in the pre-chorus, and you'd lose that if you take it out. It also doesn't stick out as much as the other "that's". To me, anyway.

Second line of chorus:
"If there’s a chance that I can make you mine"
Again, consider leaving out "that"

Second line of bridge:
"Someone that can always make you smile"
This "that" is different. I have a bias against using "that" when referring to people. I feel like it's trying to turn them into things instead of people. Consider "Someone who can always make you smile".

That's all I have for specific suggestions. My favorite part is the first verse; I think it's very strong. More so than the second verse; I'd like to see the second verse stronger to outshine the first verse. Of course, that could be done with the production, too. And, anyway, it's just my opinion. It's possible I haven't a clue.  ???

Yes, this is all just my opinion as I said at the start. I hope you find something helpful here, because I love being helpful, but it's okay if I missed the mark.

I'll be looking forward to hearing the finished product.

Vicki

LukeArmstrongMusic

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« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2019, 11:35:01 AM »
@CaliaMoko Thank you so much, Vicki! As always your opinions and help are spot-on :)

In the first line, I have been wondering if I should use "I should go" or "Do I go", so that idea has been on my mind as well.

I can see that I use a lot of "that" when I write lyrics :p Some of them I can remove as I read through the song, and also when I sing it, I change up the lyrics a bit, so it is not 100% like the written one here.

I have some ideas for the second verse, to make it shine more, and be more like the first verse. So I will see how it turns out in the end. Also, the bridge and chorus might be re-written a bit.

The first verse and the pre-chorus are the parts that I am most confident in because they tell the story just as I want to tell it.

Again, thank you so much for your help :) I will keep on working on this, and hopefully get a demo recorded soon for you to hear!
Where the Hills are young, the Souls are old

https://soundcloud.com/lukearmstrongmusic

LukeArmstrongMusic

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« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 11:49:38 AM »
@CaliaMoko Here's the idea of a new second verse I had, with a more similar feel to the first verse;

"You kept me closing and hoping for something more
Now I’m stuck with all of the hurt
Did you ever believe when I said I was in love
I meant every single word
I said"


And I have dropped a lot of the "That", that I had  :P
« Last Edit: July 16, 2019, 12:49:04 PM by Younger Hills »
Where the Hills are young, the Souls are old

https://soundcloud.com/lukearmstrongmusic

Jo ash

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« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2019, 09:16:11 PM »
'Stay'  is just great. It is going to be a song every adult can relate to. The Pre chorus lines are my favorite. The first verse and chorus too are great.
Honestly, it is the Bridge that I think that need re-working and not the second verse.  In all, it's still great. Kudos.

LukeArmstrongMusic

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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2019, 02:48:21 PM »
Thanks, @Jo ash :) The Pre-chorus was probably the part that did the song for me, and what I tried to build the song around after I got the first verse done.

In how I play it now, I changed it to; "Is there a switch you can turn, to start a fire then make it burn". But when I just read the first line of the chorus, the pre-chorus works just fine the way I have it written here as well.

The bridge is still a work in progress, that hopefully will turn out great in the end :)
Where the Hills are young, the Souls are old

https://soundcloud.com/lukearmstrongmusic