Tell Me What You Think

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Jo ash

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« on: June 07, 2019, 11:23:35 PM »
I am just a lyricist. I wrote this with a beautiful melody playing in my mind. I don't know if I should add a third verse, or if this two are good enough. Please, go through it and tell me what you think - about the entire lyrics.

YOU'RE MY FATHER

You're my father
The best there is
You've got it all,
All I need and want.
You've got fame, power;
Throne, dominion and a
Miracle working name
Oh oh oh God
You're my father
You're my father

Verse 1:
There's no glory like Your glory
You own all the heavens,
Every space on earth:
The bright and the dark,
The known and the mysteries.
You're my father!

You're my father
The best there is
You've got it all,
All I need and want.
You've got fame, power;
Throne, dominion and a
Miracle working name
Oh oh oh God
You're my father
You're my father


Verse 2:
Almighty and eternal father
The beginning and the end.
Owner of all life and time ;
Of fates and destinies.
Only You could've been my father.
You're my father!

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2019, 01:46:34 PM »
I'm probably not the best person to comment, but I'll give you my first impression. It feels more like a free-verse poem than a lyric. I didn't notice any rhythm or rhyming patterns. On the other hand, it's possible the rhythm could be managed by the way it's sung once set to music. And not all songs have rhyming patterns.

I tried running through the chorus a bit to see if I could come up with something that would work for a melody. The section


You've got fame, power;
Throne, dominion and a
Miracle working name


gave me trouble, but I was able to manage to force the rest of it into a melody that worked. It actually went pretty well except for the three lines I mentioned. And someone better than I could probably make something work for that part as well.

Your question about how many verses--that's really up to you. If you've said all you want to say with the lyric, then it's enough. I don't see a need for more. I think it would also be fine if you had enough more to say to make a third verse. I think you would still be able to fit it within about 3 minutes, give or take.

I hope that helps.

Jo ash

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« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2019, 11:41:43 PM »
CaliaMoko,
your opinion is well received. I'm grateful. The section you mentioned flowed in the melody I used. I slowed down to almost word counting level there. But after that, the pace picks up again.
Glad to hear I don't really have to add another verse.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 11:45:24 PM by Jo ash »

Sterix

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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2019, 01:03:31 PM »
Hi Jo and welcome to the forum.

As a full-blown atheist I'm probably not the best to pick my way through religious lyrcs but I'll ger her a try. :D

First thing to note - the chorus. From the off, it's always the most difficult to analyze lyrics that don't rhyme. It's not a no-no - I've done it myself when I can get away with it and my favourite band do it all the time - but it does make it awkward in the critique department. ;)

When people read lyrics they don't know the actual tune to they will  often force their own on them in their heads (I do at least). When it's not an obvious rhyming structure that makes it more difficult to analyze.

That said, onto the good stuff...

You've got it all,
All I need and want.

I would have switched around "need" and "want" in line 4, but that's just personal preference (you want something, you really NEED it).

You've got fame, power;
Throne, dominion and a
Miracle working name

I actually have a different take on this than Calia in that I never really had a problem with looking for a melofy. Given the lack of rhyming throughout I didn't bother to read it that way and just came upon it from a standpoint of words only.

I saw this part as actually semi-rhyming (po-wer / and a). My only point would be that I'm not sure abour "fame, power". As I said, I'm an atheist, but this doesn't seem to fit quite right with me with the image God wants to portray. It kind of paints him as someone who chases such base needs. It's not what you're trying to say (I don't think) but that's how it comes across. But you'll probably want to get a second opinion on that as I'm probably blinkered on the subject.

Verses-wise, they seem very much in the vein any number of hymns I encountered as a child.

My only real note on them is this:

8 / 9
6 / 7
6 / 7
5 / 6
7 / 9
4 / 4

That's the syllable count for each verese. Apart from the last line they're all different (I assumed 6 for line 3 of verse one, assuming you pronounce e-ver-y instead of ev-ry). One of them is two syllables different (again, I've assumed you pronounce it myst-er-ies and not myst-ries). As I don't know your melody, I can't tell how that affects things though. Just a note.

I would say it does need another verse - possibly something to round it off with a little more personal meaning.

It just feels at the moment that you're extolling God as praiseworthy but not really going beyond that into the real why (no real sense on the why with regards to you personally if that makes sense). If that's your aim to be general then feel free to ignore me here. I'm nearly thirty years distant from involving myself with this type of lyric (at least from this standpoint) so I'm way out of touch on it. :p

Overall though, it's pretty decent.
Then darkness fell
As the 1st God and the 2nd burned in hell
And all alone
Stood the 3rd God looking wearied to the bone


- War of the Gods : ©2005 Sterix

Jo ash

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« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2019, 11:10:26 AM »
Hello Sterix, thank you for welcoming me here. 
I will have to really study all you've said. You were thorough, honest, interesting and educative.
Thanks for this contribution.