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I Don't Want to Intrude

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jacksimmons

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« on: June 07, 2019, 12:37:14 PM »
I have had this one floating around for a while but have decided it will be the basis for my next album so recently remixed it and did some tweaks. I am aiming for a more organic and natural sound at the moment so playing around with first-takes, not overly quantizing things and leaving in little imperfections. hopefully I haven't gone too far.

This is another love song, I am afraid.



Lyrics:
the day I saw your lips in the café mirror
people told me you were feeling pretty low
I didn't want to intrude
Help me shake the snow from my hair
Show me there are people that still care about my hair

Save me from the spider on the wall
And I'll save you from the shadows in the hall
Tell me everything you wanna do
I'll give you ten years
I don't want to intrude

I'm not the same when you're around
Little melancholy me gets left behind
Never looked up to see the sky
without the arrogance to ask why
it didn't suit me that day

Save me from the spider on the wall
And I'll save you from the shadows in the hall
Tell me everything you wanna do
I'll give you ten years
I don't want to intrude
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 09:07:55 PM by jacksimmons »

Younger Hills

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« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2019, 02:24:59 PM »
This is good! First off you have a fabulous voice and the vocal melody is perfect throughout the song. I like the guitar on this one :) The lyrics are also good, and they tell a great love story.

Nice job on this! :) 
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PaulyX

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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2019, 06:29:47 PM »
I really really like the incidental details in your lyrics mate.  I always do.  But here especially... the snow in the hair, the spider in the hall... just ace, they give clues to a much wider story than 3 minutes would normally permit.  The line "I'll give you 10 years" really made me think too...  is the narrator cynically saying the relationship will not last forever?  Or saying that their partner could talk for 10 years and they'd still be listening?  Either way, cool line.  Great the way the bass comes in near the end, and excellent vocal delivery.  Only the first line felt very rushed / unintelligable to me... could you thin some words out?  Lose "The day I..."?  That's my only nit - very nice, folk-tinged, charming track.
It's all too beautiful.

Bill Saunders

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« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2019, 09:00:12 AM »
The guitar rhythm reminded me of Johnny Marr round about the Queen is Dead era. Your voice on this is outrageous! It makes it a memorable and original listen. I get the organic thing, but I think the vocals could do with a pitching tweak in just one or two places.

The song itself is excellent - really enjoyed it!

shadowfax

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« Reply #4 on: June 08, 2019, 01:00:44 PM »
Lovely song..great singing, reckon the harmonies could've come in earlier though, fab lyrics..just fab!! not sure about leaving mistakes in a song though...although nothing stood out as wrong in this track.. :) :)

best, Kevin :)

MichaelA

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« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2019, 06:03:41 PM »
Ironic little number, and I liked the delicacy of this backing track. Very natural sound, obviously quite different to your 80s stuff, but refreshing.

Really well sung and a pretty neat chorus. Harmonies v nice and I agree with the comment above that asked for them in earlier.

I think I am going to enjoy this new direction of yours. Lovely! :)

MonnoDB

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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2019, 09:33:51 PM »
Beautiful vocal, great melody and the lyrics are interesting and engaging.. Great intelligent pop tune @jacksimmons ! Big thumbs up :)

jacksimmons

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« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2019, 10:19:42 PM »
This is good! First off you have a fabulous voice and the vocal melody is perfect throughout the song. I like the guitar on this one :) The lyrics are also good, and they tell a great love story.
Nice job on this! :)

Thank you very much! I'm glad you like the guitar although it's pretty...rustic? This is pretty much the first time I have played electric guitar on one of my songs haha. Thanks for listening!

I really really like the incidental details in your lyrics mate.  I always do.  But here especially... the snow in the hair, the spider in the hall... just ace, they give clues to a much wider story than 3 minutes would normally permit.  The line "I'll give you 10 years" really made me think too...  is the narrator cynically saying the relationship will not last forever?  Or saying that their partner could talk for 10 years and they'd still be listening?  Either way, cool line.  Great the way the bass comes in near the end, and excellent vocal delivery.  Only the first line felt very rushed / unintelligable to me... could you thin some words out?  Lose "The day I..."?  That's my only nit - very nice, folk-tinged, charming track.

Hi Paul! Thanks for listening! I have had second thoughts about the first line too. At first I thought it was zany but now I wonder if I should change it. I am glad you liked the lyrics. It is something I work on a lot having the lyrics be personal but also vague and ambiguous enough to have wider appeal. As for your question about the nten years line...maybe that is best left unanswered haha. Thanks for listening!

The guitar rhythm reminded me of Johnny Marr round about the Queen is Dead era. Your voice on this is outrageous! It makes it a memorable and original listen. I get the organic thing, but I think the vocals could do with a pitching tweak in just one or two places.
The song itself is excellent - really enjoyed it!

Thanks very much Bill! Johnny Marr is one of my guitar heroes but I can't accept the compliment. My electric guitar playing here is akin to a monkey playing chess. I'm just throwing the pieces around and trying to eat the board. I am very happy to be outrageous...as long as it is a compliment haha. If you could let me know which parts of the vocal you thought could do with a going over I would be very grateful. Sometimes you can become blind to pitch issues after a while. Glad you liked the tune. Thanks for listening.

Lovely song..great singing, reckon the harmonies could've come in earlier though, fab lyrics..just fab!! not sure about leaving mistakes in a song though...although nothing stood out as wrong in this track.. :) :)
best, Kevin :)

Thank you very much Kevin. Well, I am not so much leaving blatant mistakes in with this new approach but keeping in imperfections. So for instance there are a few times you can hear the guitar strings rattle on the acoustic, and there are little imperfections in the drumming pattern to make it all feel slightly more human. Great to hear you enjoyed the lyrics. Thanks for listening!

Ironic little number, and I liked the delicacy of this backing track. Very natural sound, obviously quite different to your 80s stuff, but refreshing.
Really well sung and a pretty neat chorus. Harmonies v nice and I agree with the comment above that asked for them in earlier.
I think I am going to enjoy this new direction of yours. Lovely! :)

Thank you very much Michael! I think this sound is more natural to me as well. It was the kind of thing I started writing when I first picked up a guitar. Thanks for listening!

Beautiful vocal, great melody and the lyrics are interesting and engaging.. Great intelligent pop tune @jacksimmons ! Big thumbs up :)

Thanks @MonnoDB glad you enjoyed it :)

 

macker71165

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« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 08:50:57 AM »
Great tune mate   well sung👍

Skub

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« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 10:45:06 AM »
Yo Jack.

A seemingly effortlessly engaging track,fragile,delicate and sweet.

That's all I have,Jack!
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Jibbek

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« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 10:53:23 AM »
Beautiful soft melody, lovely vocals. Fast bassline in the end is outstanding and drums perfectly support vitality of song. Listening to it reminds me of 100% pure form of love, well done :)

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 06:12:46 PM »
@jacksimmons - Jack I really dig your work, you have a natural songwiting gene, that's really as much of a gift as being born a natural pianist, etc.

I appreciate your un quantisedmore organic approach, and it really improves a guitar and Vocal song like this, they make it believable, easier to dive in and get the vibe, I never quantise my audio tracks...when you see a live  band they don't quantise anything, and nobody complains.

As for the song, yip, really good work hooky as hell, and well produced, especially the LVox, lovely verb.

Clever balance of acoustic and electric Gtrs.

I think the only thing I'd look at would be the drums, give em a bit more punch and raise em up in the mix a bit, the kick would give it a big of oomph and possibly bring the BVox, in a bit earlier.

A lovely listen

Rich

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« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 11:17:10 PM »
Delightful song jack.
Well done
I too love those incidentals, very effective.
The melodic lines are thrilling.

I gave myself a giggle while singing the refrain I tried
"I don't want to improve"
Not saying it's better this way, I just think it might be a bit of challenge, lyrically, to justify the lyric.

It's either this or that, then again it might be the other. 

And there you have it. 

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