The night

  • 2 Replies
  • 123 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Girlinside

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 39
« on: May 16, 2019, 12:22:01 PM »
I’m standing on the edge of the cliff that lives in my mind
thoughts of yesterday and of my decline

the voice of reason in my head
changes like the seasons of time
my lovely mother , father - no longer here

the trips that we took to seaside with my brother
go further and further away every day
it’s not sadness that I feel but longing

even when I dance
my feet are splashing in yesterday’s water

the voice of reason in my head
sits silently as I lay in the night

I know that nothing can last forever
I’d just like one last time for my goodbyes

maybe then my tears would be shed
and the voice of reason would be silent
and the silence of night would not haunt me
and the fists of my brother
beating my mother would still


CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2663
  • Do It Yourself!
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 01:07:29 PM »
This doesn't read like a lyric to me. Maybe my head is in the wrong place this morning (yes, it's morning here where I am), but it feels like free verse. There's no rhyming scheme, no hook, no verse/chorus structure, and no rhythm that I can discern. Like I said, it might be just me, but I can't figure out a way to make this into a song.

That being said, this piece paints vivid word images in my mind. I have no trouble following the story of it as poetry. I glean strong feelings of anxiety, depression, yearning, and nostalgia.

Keeping the idea of it being free verse in mind, I have a couple of suggestions I think would make it a little stronger.


I’m standing on the edge of the cliff that lives in my mind
with thoughts of yesterday and of my decline

And...

the trips that we took to seaside with my brother
go further and further away every day
it’s not sadness that I feel but longing

In my opinion unnecessary instances of the word "that" weaken poetry (and lyrics and novels and short stories...)

even when I dance
my feet are splashing splash in yesterday’s water

I'm recommending staying in present tense all the way through instead of using past tense in this one line.

I know that nothing can last endures forever
I’d just like one last time for my goodbyes

Using "endures" keeps you from having the word "last" twice in a row, plus endures gives a feeling of more effort

That's what I noticed and, as I said, it's just my opinion. Use it if it works for you or not, if it doesn't.

Nice one.

Vicki

Dogmax

  • *
  • Guest
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2019, 08:23:31 PM »
TBH i think this is wonderful and the reason why is because it lead you into that last verse, poetry and lyrics live with each other in songs it has always been and will always be that way, this is a wonderful poetry and lyric style of writing because you can hear it  8)

Just one thought on reading 'my feet are splashing in yesterday’s water'  maybe  'my feet are splashing in the sea of yesterday'