[Andreas]

Trying something new with this one. Wrote it in the key of E, which is a key I usually don't use that much, but it fitted my voice kinda great. Experimenting a little with my style of writing these days, here with a 3 line verse, twice, and a short powerful chorus. When I get the time to record it I will drop it here on the forum Any thoughts or suggestion on the lyrics itself, or any ideas on my style and some cool keys it can be worth having a look at?
Be Mine

Your lips on my cheek
Say you’re waiting for me
To come sweep you off your feet
Your hand inside of mine
I could stay here for the rest of time
If you’ll just say you’ll be mine

Oh baby, just say you’ll be mine
Oh baby, I’ll give you all my time
If you’ll just be mine

You’re here with me
In this room waiting patiently
For me to say that I’ll love you
If it’s right I don’t know
Time spent together will show
Every question that you’re asking for

Oh baby, just say you’ll be mine
Oh baby, I’ll give you all my time
If you’ll just be mine

Instrumental Break (oh's)

(Last chorus, a little quieter/slower playing)
Oh baby, just say you’ll be mine
Oh baby, I’ll give you all my time
If you’ll just be mine

[CaliaMoko]

I have a few thoughts and a few minutes. Just my personal opinions, so use any ideas that appeal to you.

Looking at your first verse, last three lines. You use "mine" twice as a rhyming word. You could trade in one of the "mine" words for another word, like, maybe "With our hands entwined / I could stay here...." It isn't a perfect rhyme, but neither is "mine / time", plus you've already set up the expectation of some "near" rhymes with your first three lines, so it would fit right in.

Then in the second verse, third line..."For me to say I'll love you". The contraction "I'll" is short for "I will" meaning, in this case, at some time in the future. Is that what you meant to say? I don't know for sure, but I was expecting it to say she's waiting for you to tell her you love her right now. I realize, I might have gotten that wrong.

And finally, (and please remember, these are just my opinions, so I don't mind if you don't agree) I find using "baby" in songs overdone. Most of the time. Sometimes it's the perfect thing, and maybe--once I've heard this--I'll think this is one of those times.

I hope I've been helpful. If not, just ignore me.

Vicki

[Andreas]

As always your replies get me thinking @CaliaMoko and they're very helpful, thank you!

I didn't even notice I used "mine" as a rhyme twice in the same triplet line, so thank you for pointing that out.

For the "I'll love you" line, it is, what I believe does the song, that I am unwilling to say that I love her until I'm sure she would stay. Probably a little messy that explanation, but that was my thought when I wrote that line But I realize I might have gotten my grammar wrong on that line as well, so maybe if I change it to "I love you" instead, it will make more sense?

And for the use of "baby" in this song, it worked alright I think when I played it acoustic, and I put some power and emphasis on the word, so I guess you have to hear it before making up your mind around the use of the word

Andreas