[Girlinside]

A soldiers night

Again he found himself
there , in his private hell
tortured by his memories

how can a hero be denied
full of hate for those who died

a war that’s past
and left behind
but tell that to his mind

his no brain no longer functioning logically
how can it ?
Four years
trench warfare

death fills his air
as he sleeps
beside him weeps
his sweetheart now his wife

she weeps for him
she sees not him
just a shell
of a man
whose been to hell
and back

she coaxes him
back to sleep
with her soothing words
another night
sleep disturbed

there , there
sleep tight
my hero





Sent from my iPhone

[Dogmax]

This is good but I'm thinking you know it could be great, what I think is missing is you not putting me right in there in his trench warfare state of mind, use between the verses I want to see his trench warfare, the madness the whole nine yards.

Warm welcome to you   

[rightly]

I'm glad I clicked on this

A nice bit of poetry.
Actually I wrote and posted some lyrics, quite similar to this in theme.

Well done. It'd be nice to read more of your work.

Welcome to the forum. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Dogmax suggests "take us inside the foxhole." 

One way to do that is to make this second person instead of third person. 

Instead of being about "him/his" etc.  make it about "you."  Sing it directly to the soldier. 

Also, you limit the generality of this by mentioning "trench warfare."  It's about every war (the're ALL "Hell" aren't they) until you mention that, then it's just about the first world war.  I think that's a mistake. 

Wonderful imagery, but I think it can get more personal, and better.