Songwriter Forum > Lyrics

A couple of new songs

(1/1)

Andreas:
Hey guys! From the few things I have been posting I have experienced nothing but good and constructive feedback, so I am trying once more, to see where these songs could go.
Monday I woke up bursting with emotions, and I sat down and finished 5 songs in just about 2-3 hours, in my typical cliche/love pop style :)
The first song I call best friend, and so far I have been trying to play it in a jazzy/soul acoustic style

(CH-intro)
I’m in love with my best friend
I’m gonna love you till the world ends
I never thought I could fall so deep
But now I know I’m sinking deeper than I ever believed
(V1)
My heart is opened wide
I’ll let you in on all of my mystery
Be my girl and I’ll be your man
I’ll treat you as best as I can
(CH)
I’m in love with my best friend
I’m gonna love you till the world ends
I never thought I could fall so deep
But now I know I’m sinking deeper than I ever believed
I’m in love, I’m in love, yes, I am ( )
I’m in love, I’m in love with my best friend (x2)
(V2)
I’ll never hurt you, you know that’s true
There’s no one else in this world but you, uooh
I found the one that’s always there for me
Everything around you, they fit perfectly
(CH)
I’m in love with my best friend
I’m gonna love you till the world ends
I never thought I could fall so deep
But now I know I’m sinking deeper than I ever believed
I’m in love, I’m in love, yes, I am ( )
I’m in love, I’m in love with my best friend (x2)
(Bridge)
I’m never gonna let you down
I’m never gonna let you go (x2)
(CH)
I’m in love with my best friend
I’m gonna love you till the world ends
I never thought I could fall so deep
But now I know I’m sinking deeper than I ever believed
I’m in love, I’m in love, yes, I am ( )
I’m in love, I’m in love with my best friend (x2)

The second one I yet don't know what to call, so if you have any tip for a smashing title, I would appreciate that a lot. I just recently changed the way I play the song, to start playing it with the use of Root and minor 3rd chords, in a D# tuning, and I would try to get it recorded during the weekend so those who want can take a listen. Was also thinking of doing the chorus twice the last time maybe. :)

(V1)
I took a memory and left it for keep
All that you are is all I ever need
You’re the reason why, I’m smiling now
You’re the one for me, you’re the love of my life
(CH)
Can you kiss me now, your lips on my mouth
Can you hold me tight, and never let go
You’re the only one, I have my eyes on
Hold on to that moment, in a moment it’s gone
(V2)
You’re perfect in every way I see
Am I ever gonna be, everything you’ll ever need
Am I the reason why, you’re smiling now
Am I the one for you, the love of your life
(CH)
Can you kiss me now, your lips on my mouth
Can you hold me tight, and never let go
You’re the only one, I have my eyes on
Hold on to that moment, in a moment it’s gone



 

lliam:
Nice songs @Younger Hills! I love when those bursts of inspiration come, often the best music I write is when I just let things flow and don't question too much what I'm writing  :) I would love to hear the recordings of these tracks when you have them!

Andreas:
Thanks a lot @lliam ! Will see if I can manage to record some tunes tonight, I have been a little bit caught up with school this week, and at the same time writing 1-2 songs every day. I was sure after that morning and those 5 songs, that I had used up my creativity for this year, but I have been writing as never before lately :) Love those feelings!

CaliaMoko:
I have a few comments for the first lyric. You mentioned English not being your first language, I believe, and I have to say you did a good job with this. A few spots could be improved, of course, but that's often true, regardless. I'll mention a few things I noticed, and keep in mind, these comments reflect my personal opinions. I have a thick skin, so I don't mind if you don't agree with me. I'm sure many others will disagree, as well, but I hope you'll find something useful in my remarks.

I’m in love with my best friend
I’m gonna love you till the world ends

These two lines imply an inconsistent point of view. First line talks about the object of your affections; the second line speaks directly to the object of your affections. It could be argued, however, that you're speaking directly to her in both cases. For me, it's kind of a disconnect and feels inconsistent, so I recommend doing something different there. I can't think of a solution without major reworking, so--unless it bothers more people--it is probably okay as it is.

My heart is opened wide
I’ll let you in on all of my mystery
Be my girl and I’ll be your man
I’ll treat you as best as I can

I recommend "My heart is open wide" (not opened). Most of the time you appear to be using present tense, and "opened" is past tense.

I also recommend "I'll let you in on my mystery" (take out "of")

And I recommend "I'll treat you the best I can." I think it flows better.

I’ll never hurt you, you know that’s true
There’s no one else in this world but you, uooh
I found the one that’s always there for me
Everything around you, they fit perfectly

First line: You have the word "you" twice in a row. I think there is probably a better way to say that. Maybe something like "I'll never hurt you, I swear it's true"

Second line: It says there "no one else in this world", but I think you mean there's "no one else [in the world] for me but you", so maybe you could say something more specific, like "There's no one else for me but you" or "There's no one in the world for me but you". ??

Third line: I always consider "that" to refer to things and "who" to refer to people, so I recommend "I found the one who's always there for me." Also, this line switches point of view again and is about her rather than to her. So maybe you could say something like "I'm so happy you're always here for me"

Fourth line: This line sounds awkward to me. I'm not 100% certain what you're trying to say. Maybe you're saying she fits in perfectly with everything around her"? Or maybe she fits perfectly in your life? I wonder if "We fit together so perfectly" or something like that would work?

That's pretty much what I have to say about this lyric. Of course, I have the same comments for each spot that has the same or very similar wording.

What I like:

I'm a fan of positive lyrics. Most songs with love themes seem to be "love lost" or "unrequited love". I think there are too many of those, so I like to see one like this. Thanks for the happy theme!

Notwithstanding what I just said, I notice you use some techniques that are considered "unstable", which should typically be reserved for unstable themes--like unhappy songs, the kind I just said there are too many of ;) So what does that mean? Well, if someone was really trying to follow all the rules of songwriting, the song should have even lines, consistent numbers of syllables in the lines, and all perfect rhymes. However...I like that you are using unstable techniques. For me that illustrates the belief that, no matter how stable one thinks a relationship is, there is always an element of uncertainty. You can never know another person 100%, so that uncertainty is demonstrated by those unstable elements.

And now, that really is all I have to say about this song. I hope to see a lot more of you in the forum. If I ever get another song up for review, maybe you could give me your thoughts on it. I'm hoping that will happen one of these days, as my life comes to some semblance of a new normal.

Vicki

Andreas:
@CaliaMoko Thank you so much for the feedback! The song was put down pretty fast straight out of heart, and I didn't change anything about it before I posted it here. I have been seeing some the things you have seen in these lyrics, and changed them up a little.

Writing songs with the amount of syllables is nearly impossible for me, because I write songs straight out of my heart and what I feel, and I am not there yet on my creative writing process where I can get the syllables to fit for each line. Also, my songs usually are on the sad side of the love theme, so this is a new experience for me :)

Again, many thanks for the positive and constructive feedback!

Andreas

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