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awilhelmscream

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« on: February 06, 2019, 08:49:03 AM »
Hello!

These are some lyrics to a new song I wrote. The song is about dementia/alzheimer. The lyrics are written from two different point of views, grandson and grandfather. Please share some feedback, so I can learn to better express myself with my words. THANK YOU!

Grandson:
Your mind's a dark, lonely place
The light in your eyes is growing faint
Oh it's growing faint
My name, you no longer know
Just a flicker of remembrance now and then shows
That you still the same

So help me understand

How can you be right next to me
And at the same time a world away
How can you be ...
How can you be ...
How can you be ...
How can it be?

Grandfather:
Let me live and remember the sun
or let me drown in the after-glow
Let me live and remember the sun
or let me drown in the after-glow

Grandson:
There is a place in your ribcage
A palace buried in your chest
We can hide there (We can hide there)
Stay forever like that
My hand holding on to your thumb
Like it did back then
I can always (I can always)
I can always find you there

Grandfather:
You will always find me there

Let me live, Let me remember the sun
or let me drown in the after-glow
Let me live, Let me remember the sun
or let me drown in the after-glow

Martinswede

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« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2019, 08:59:56 PM »
Hi!

I think your lyrics has strength, but most of the story seems to be said in the first verse.
My first suggestion is that you remove the pointers (grand)father/(grand)son.
The story reads on many levels and even though you have a certain situation in mind, there are many stories about relationships that share common ground. Look for ways to both show it as a connection between two people, and to show the details of this particular relationship. I wrote 'grand' in parenthesis but you might as well substitute 'father' for 'mother'. Some times you draw up too many guidelines before and along the writing process that closes doors instead of opening them.

Anyway, if these are the lyrics to an almost finished song about 80% of the work is done. And don't forget... writing Trumps recording.

Cheers,
Martin
I love the smell of Donald Sutherland in the morning