konalavadome

Away

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mikek

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« on: January 06, 2019, 01:04:06 AM »
this is a song i wrote recently.  as usual, i'm working on learning more and trying to improve my recording and mixing skills.  it is not something that comes easily for me.

i usually do fairly stripped down recordings, often with only guitar and vocals but i thought i would try something a little more challenging so i added some other instrumentation.

though i'm posting this in "finished" I'm open to any and all criticism.  I don't really consider the recording "finished" by any means, though the song itself is constructed and i doubt there will be any changes to the lyrics or structure... but who knows??? maybe one of you will have a dynamite bit of advise that i can employ.  anyway, thanks for your time... and now... the lyrics;

make that worried face, up and disappear
let that hair down, and come here
its a fight, everybody goes through
its all right, everybody gets blue
i'm wrecked again, lost a good friend
such a hollow place, this vacant room
shine a light, shadows all around
my respite, never to be found
baby all i can say
is this mess that we make
its all we can take, all we can take when we go
away

gotta hold tight, to things that make us feel
gotta hold on tight, cause not that many things are real
shine a light, shadows all around
my respite, never to be found
baby all i can say
is this mess that we make
its all we can take, all we can take when we go
away

https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox/away
« Last Edit: January 06, 2019, 01:07:03 AM by mikek »

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2019, 10:09:52 PM »
Liked it @mikek. Lovely acoustic sound. Got a sort of Neil Young vibe. The song has got a very good structure and very melodic. Thoughts - The abrupt stop start could maybe accentuated with a drum hit or similar. You have a great voice but I thought that the mix could benefit from some more low end stuff on the vocals. Vocs are the most difficult instrument to crack for sure  :) Nice work man  :)

fischermans

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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 06:51:20 AM »
Hello @mikek I like this acoustic stuff a lot and for me it fits to the lyrics very well. I listened twice. ;) Alexander
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tboswell

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« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2019, 11:57:53 AM »
Really nice vibe here. The ebb and flow of the song really works nicely. It rises up the peaks really well and comes down beautifully for the hook.
Made me think of The Eels a bit.

The production could do with some polish. You play everything well enough but it all sound tinny and thin. Could do with a really nice mic to record those acoustics and vocals.
And the lack of bass leaves a real hole. Ever the basic our of the box bass VSTs you get with things like garageband do a pretty good job and really fill things out.

Really nice song tho, properly enjoyed it.  :)

adamfarr

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« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2019, 12:10:20 PM »
Nice writing here - a sad vibe that feels very genuine and honest.


I think I'd like to hear the chorus stand out a little more from the verses in order to make it a bit more memorable.


The pads are effective - you could look at automating the vocal level as it sometimes seems to get overwhelmed by the guitar (or ducking the guitar).


I also got a Neil Young kind of feeling, and really like that guitar style.

mikek

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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 03:01:32 PM »
I appreciate the feedback, thank you.

I'm still working on the recording... Though my bass playing is sub par, I have added a bass part.

Also reworkwd the mix, learning about gain staging and how that affects plugins, so trying to employ that knowledge.

@adamthe pads you mentioned are actually a guitar...im using a volume pedal and a delay to create some atmosphere.

Thanks again everyone

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2019, 06:45:29 PM »
I think what I liked the most about this was how deliberate all choices sounded. You seemed to take a lot of care to make sure the weak syllables avoided the strong beats for instance. One exception stood out, but it also sounded deliberate: the pronunciation of respite--ree - 'spite, instead of 'res - pite (British) or 'res - pit (U.S.). The song needs it that way, of course, to fit the rhythm and I found myself actually liking it. And I'm generally pretty pedantic about language (I'm not saying that's necessarily a good thing; just being honest).

Oh...this just occurred to me. You use the word "baby" in your song, and it didn't even jump out at me. I don't usually like that, because it's so over-used. It must be especially suited to this song.  ;D

That's all from me.

Vicki

Yodasdad

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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2019, 01:27:12 PM »
haha.....I din't think you were going to resolve to that last note on the guitar...but you did...phew!

A really enjoyable listen. There's not an overly obvious hook to this that I could point to,yet it's catchy and compelling.

Production wise, Id say the drums probably need a little work. I really struggle with drums so I can't really describe what it needs. They seem maybe a little detached from the guitar and vocal, maybe a little dry, up front and prominent at times, and maybe just need blending in a little more. If you hadn't mentioned the production though, I certainly wouldn't have higlighted them as an issue.

Nicely done.

Yodasdad.

Movin Flavour

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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2019, 02:49:59 PM »
Not much of a production expert, but I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Some excellent guitars  and lyrics here.

Live those pauses, they add a great feel to the song.

Sung really well with raw energy.

Like the ending sequence.

Sandeep

mikek

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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2019, 04:11:27 AM »
https://thebonanzalunchbox.bandcamp.com/track/away

I recently purchased ezdeummer and took a crack at a new drum part for this. It still needs some tweaking but I think its an improvement,

The Portrait Piano

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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2019, 04:02:56 PM »
Hi Mike,

I'm not a sound tech expert but the recording sound excellent to me.

I am a fellow songerwriter and felt the melody, guitar riffs, drums & effects worked very well together for the genre. I particularly enjoyed the long drawn out notes in the chorus, great emphasis & I agree with the others about your fantastic Neil Young voice.

The only thing I can think of that would make it even better would be more of a punch when heading into the chorus. Perhaps a play with sound levels, added effects or an additional accompaniment would do the trick...

Thanks for sharing, a really enjoyable listen.

Law

Martinswede

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« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2019, 05:57:35 PM »
Hi mikek! (Or is it Mike K?) Anyway The Bonanza Lunchbox

It's a solid song. I have no criticism to give on vocals/chords/melody/general theme.
The lyrics are as good as you can find imo.

I've just started thinking outside of the guitar/vox arrangement and I always get stuck when it comes to drums. The plugin drums sound awful. The beat sounds like a metronome. I just give up. I can't offer any pointers in that department.

My two main inputs are that
1. You should have a harmony vocal on the 'It'a a fight...' parts. (If you want I can give it a try. (PM))
2. Add a strum on the guitar on the first beat in the chorus. Right now It feels like there's something missing.

Also I think your song and: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdHg4QEmBvk has some similar parts.
Check out the arrangement. Get inspired!
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Martin
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montydog

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« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2019, 03:07:22 PM »
Hi,

I like this. A lot. Nicely played acoustic and your vocals have real authority and credibility. The song is strong and you've done just enough with the backing to support it. A very strong chorus. Reminded me of early Eagles. I could listen to an album of this. I believe you and that's the most important thing.

M

Skub

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« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2019, 07:40:53 PM »
Yo Mike.

I love Steve Earle,John Mellencamp and our own late great Bap Kennedy (your namesake) so this is just fine by me.

I think folk from the US of A do this stuff the best,most of the others sound like plastic imitations.

Tom mentioned the lack of bass and the thin sound overall. This lets down a cracker song,but at the end of the day,it's still a cracker song.

Well done Mr.Kennedy.  8)
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MonnoDB

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« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2019, 07:52:07 PM »
Hi @mikek I liked this a lot. Snap on the Neil Young vibe - I like your vocal a lot you have a lovely guitar-playing style. Lyrics were the star for me. Poignant. Lovely!